A Quote-Filled Episode on Boundaries, Healthy Healing, Healthy Grieving and Advocating

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne Tina.

Speaker 2: 0:13

I am so thrilled to see you. I cannot believe how excited I am to have you back. I've missed you so much. I'm just thrilled to see you and we're doing with this video so I can actually see your face, so I'm even more thrilled.

Speaker 1: 0:30

I know I was thinking I was going to be nervous about the video, because I don't love being on video. I used to do TV a little bit, but it's okay because it's just you. I'm telling myself I'm just talking to Anne, I'm not talking to anybody else, but I missed you. It is so good to be back.

Speaker 2: 0:46

Thank you for giving me the time I needed to take care of myself and my family Well, you know that's what we do here at Real Talk and that's what I told the listeners, and you know we're a real and a raw podcast. That's what we do and when we need some extra tender, loving care or whatever we need, you know that's what we do and I love you and, of course, I'm going to do whatever you need. I did want to say that we have some exciting news about our podcast. We have been officially picked up by WDJY FM 99.1 in Atlanta. We are so excited to be a part of their audience and their 20 affiliates that they have. We are very thankful and blessed. All we want to do is help other people and we are going to do that every Sunday at 11, starting December 11th. Now, I know it is. It's so exciting. Now, Tina, you wanted to come back with your own kind of special spin on the podcast.

Speaker 1: 1:49

Yes, because we love quotes here on Real Talk with Tina and Anne and my heart kept telling me that we needed to go and talk in depth about a few, and there are so many. You and I both collect quotes. I know lots of other people collect quotes and so some of the quotes that have really been speaking to my heart and because of the season I'm in, and then others you've likely heard before and I think it's important to talk about some of these because words and actions, or lack thereof, can hurt.

Speaker 2: 2:21

That's absolutely true, and we're going to touch on quite a few of those today. I mean, you know, what's really cool about quotes is that we can interpret them so many different ways in our life at different times. I mean, we can feel one resonates with us today and another day. It kind of makes you wonder why did it resonate? You know, it's just because maybe we grew or maybe our circumstances changed, right.

Speaker 1: 2:49

I think that's what's so neat about quotes and music, because sometimes you hear a quote or you hear a song and you're like, oh, it's cool, it's got to catch you tune, or yeah, I just, I really like that, and then other times it kind of takes life to happen and then it really takes on a great meaning. So I think the way I phrased it before is it doesn't have great meaning sometimes until it does.

Speaker 2: 3:16

I love that. I love that. That really hit me. I can tell that's really good. You know, one of the quotes that you sent me God won't give us more than we can handle is one that I actually go to in my head at times. I mean, our family just went through a very unfortunate situation that many people in our country can relate to now and we were at a tree lighting with our family and there were upwards of 50,000 people there that I heard on the news and it was one of the most magical nights. I mean, we go every year, but it really just seemed extra special this year and we were getting ready to leave and all these teens just started running past us, screaming, and everyone else started running. I mean, long story short, we ran under and we ran into a stairwell, under some stairs and with this other family, and we sat there until we waited for it to be safe from a shooting that had happened and you know, I spent most of that night thinking about it and the next day and we're trying to help our kids process and I'm getting better, but I'm trying hard to allow the kids, you know, for it to be about the kids and to continue to talk with them because they really are struggling. It seemed like they were pretty touched by this, and which of course they would be. Plus, they also have trauma from their past on top of it. So they're really going through a lot right now, and everything that is going on in other parts of the world, I mean there's just so much going on right now. You can do this and that's what I think that God won't give you more than you can handle. You can do this.

Speaker 1: 5:04

I agree you can do this. I used to believe that quote, but I find it now to be false. The more life that I go through, I do think and believe God gives us more than we can handle, and the reason is so that we turn to Him for help and strength to get through it.

Speaker 2: 5:22

Man. You are on today, Tina, that is awesome.

Speaker 1: 5:26

I think all of these quotes have really been speaking to my heart and there was one that really spoke to me that I actually sent my husband the other day when you mentioned childhood trauma for your children and we have both had childhood trauma, you and I. I saw this the other day and I sent it to my husband with a big thank you for doing this and speaking this to me and for me it was understanding your partner's childhood traumas and triggers is a love language and I would extend that same thought to you with your children. Understanding your children's past trauma and triggers is a love language. That hit me so deep and I know it wasn't something we were going to talk about today, but it just really tied into what you said and, again, speaking to my heart, so that, speaking to my heart, I'm going to speak it to you.

Speaker 2: 6:20

Well, I appreciate that and I know that you are the same with your kids. I mean, you know, I can't say that I always, you know, because there are times I'm just like, okay, we need to move on, you know I, and but for the most part, you know, it's trying to tap into not only what they're feeling but also how, the right way to handle it and the right things to say. And is this something that we need to go into more and really process more with them, which is this is something that we need to process more with, and I've had conversations with the school about it as well. You know, we just live in a different day, we live in a different time and our kids are going through things that we didn't necessarily have to go through. Even with the trauma that we had in our own homes, it wasn't like a worldwide scary trauma that we're just is affecting all of us and being afraid to even go to an event because you think something's going to happen, or always looking for an escape route wherever you go. You know, I mean, it's just a scary time.

Speaker 1: 7:28

Yeah, I agree, I hate that. Your family went through that and everyone else who was there that day too. But here's what I know Like you said, you can do it and you're going to get the strength to be able to do it from a higher power.

Speaker 2: 7:43

I always feel God and I think that that's why I feel like, you know, he's right there helping me through it. You know, I almost never feel like I can't handle something. I have a peace just about all the time. I really am able to let things go pretty quickly. But that's me now. That wasn't always me. I wasn't always like that. I have such a huge tolerance for tragedy. Unfortunately, my life was one tragedy after another after another, and, being an autistic individual, I've also had such a hard time not getting stuck on certain things. But God has gotten me through some of the most horrific tragedies in my life and I lean on him all the time.

Speaker 1: 8:32

And I would say I'm inclined to agree for the most part, although this current season I'm in I feel the most distance from him than I've ever felt before. But my hope is that, as he says, he'll come back for the one.

Speaker 2: 8:49

Yeah, you know, I know that God just has me and that gives me such peace, regardless of what's happening. I have this saying more than God won't give me, more than I can handle. But my go-to every day sometimes is I say trust the process, no matter what's going on. I don't know why that just is like this thing that just goes through my head Trust the process, whether we, when we were adopting our kids and there were times that it really appeared to me that there was no way it was going to go through I just said it. Just it was like God was putting it in my head Trust the process, trust the process. And I can tell you that that almost falls into for almost anything that we're going through and for me also. That great AA saying let go and let God. I mean I can tell you, I can't tell you that I go to that all the time in my head and because I can't control everything and I can't handle everything that is happening, so I simply say let go and let God and I just release it.

Speaker 1: 9:51

I love that and I think that sometimes trust is my biggest hurdle, because I don't understand what's happening and I like to be able to understand. So take, for instance, I'm going to go back to my phone for this. Take, for instance you know, my mom diagnosed a few years ago with early onset dementia and that is what has killed me. It is moving quickly and, while I was on a little break from the podcast, we now have a caregiver for my mom. I get to do one of the days during the week and we have someone that she knows and loves her God daughter to do three of the other days. And so about a month ago, my mom's God daughter sent me a message and it said I really enjoy the time I get to spend with your mom. It's such a blessing being able to have the opportunity to spend three days a week here. That note gave me all the feels. It made me happy, it made me sad, it made me angry. And if you're like, well, why did it make you angry? It made me angry because I wrote back to her this is so sweet, you are so sweet. I wish I felt similarly, because it kills me to see my mom in this way, but I actually spent a day with her and my mom over this time and it was that message and seeing what she meant. You know she never meant for it to make me sad or angry and I knew that. But I now feel like I've turned a corner in my mom's diagnosis and disease. Okay, I do feel that same way. I do feel now like man. What a blessing I bring my mom so much joy. Do I wish it was different? Absolutely. Will I ever enjoy this disease? Not for one second. I don't think anybody would. It is so, so hard. But that message that she sent me, just the way that she called it a blessing and an opportunity and I really do now feel that way too. It has given me such a piece that for the first time recently in a very long time I've looked forward to going over and seeing and helping my mom, whereas before it just absolutely crushed me to a million pieces that it felt like I couldn't function. I think I'm just starting to understand, maybe, the role that I play. So I love that's when you say trust the process. I think I'm beginning to do that in this scenario. For me that's a big deal.

Speaker 2: 12:42

It takes a long time sometimes to get to acceptance, and maybe that's it was just a long journey to get here.

Speaker 1: 12:55

A real long journey.

Speaker 2: 12:56

I think you're absolutely right, yeah, and I mean there is nothing wrong with that.

Speaker 1: 13:03

And knowing, too, that somebody who really loves your mom is with her when you're not, when your stepdad is not able to be, that's got to be a great feeling Absolutely and just seeing how I don't know if the right word is easy but seeing how natural it was for my mom's goddaughter to be there and to help. Honestly, she reminded me a lot of the way I act when I'm with my mom. When I'm with my mom, it's okay, it's good, like, yeah, some of the things hurt me, but it's not until I leave that I really feel that you know, because I'm really trying hard to be in the moment and hopefully have a good day. You want to talk about a commercial that just, oh, a good one. Is it a Chevy commercial? I'm not even sure. It's a five minute commercial and it is an old lady and you can just see it in her eyes. She's just staring out the window. You know, you know it's dementia and it's how a family. They're getting together either for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner and you can tell she's just out of it. And so one of the granddaughters decides to try something and takes her on a journey to the world that she might remember her past and drives her around and then brings her back to the either Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. And I mean, I was. I just watched it this morning, tears just streaming down my cheeks, but it was beautiful at the same time because you saw, you saw a way maybe to bring some light back. And the third the thing she said was let's make today a good day and I loved it. Because I always say to, I tell my kids today is a good day for what? And they say a good day and I loved it. And so now it's got me thinking what are some things that might be able to jog my mom's long term memory to help her have maybe more good, coherent, days.

Speaker 2: 15:17

You know Carrie, a friend of mine, she did that. She did that with her dad and her mom and she took them because they both had Alzheimer's. So she took them, drove them around to their you know favorite spots and we actually took her mom to Myrtle Beach because that was her favorite place to go with her husband and he had passed away and she had dementia and so we took her there and we were. She just stared at the ocean. It was just such a beautiful time for her and I'm so glad that Carrie got to experience that with her mom. So, yeah, it's really important to have those times. I'm so glad that you're able to be with your mom, no matter how hard it is and I know it's super hard. I was with my adopted mom when she was in her last days and, as difficult as it was, because our relationship was so clashed, I mean we just weren't that, we weren't really that close. But, with that said, I'm really glad that I was there and it was a really special time for her. So I'm glad that we got to have that.

Speaker 1: 16:38

Yeah, absolutely, and I think it's a good transition into one of the other quotes that I sent you.

Speaker 2: 16:44

Yeah, and it's also. It really resonated with me. Ironically, when we start to get better, we also start to get sad because we realize how much we've missed out on, how badly certain people have failed us what the younger version of us actually deserved. Yes, healing involves healthy grieving. There's no way around it. And that's from an unknown person, but, yeah, that really hit me, tina.

Speaker 1: 17:14

That one hit me too. That one has me still thinking so many of us have had so much life happen that wasn't fair and we didn't choose and that just plain sucks. There's no other way around it. But we are responsible for our own healing, and so I would say also healthy grieving and healthy healing. We did not cause the trauma or the things maybe that have happened to us, but we sadly then are responsible for healing them, not only for us, but for our children, our family, you know. Show them that it can be done, it will be done. This is how you do it.

Speaker 2: 17:58

You know, I have grieved my childhood at times, lots of times, and I have been sad when I see a dad with a child, knowing what I missed out on, or when a dad walks their daughter down the aisle. That was a big one for me. You know, my biological brother was supposed to walk me down the aisle, but my biological mom, because of how our relationship was, she wouldn't let it happen, so she didn't let my brother come. So then last minute I'm standing there and I had nobody to walk me down the aisle, so I had to ask my adopted mom to walk me down. But yeah, those are the kind of things that you do grieve in the moment for sure, but then after, as you look back, it's you wish that things were different.

Speaker 1: 18:45

And even in this season of my life, I am grieving the loss of my mom, even though she's still here. Yeah, sure, and I'm grieving the loss. She was a fantastic grandma. She still is a great, great grandma. I don't want to take that away from her. It's just different than we ever thought it would look, and I hate it because it's really hard for me to see social media, all your friends who sleep over at grandma and grandpas, and we don't have that. We can't do that. Or look, my mom or dad took the kids here and there and I think it's okay to be happy that they have that and also sad for you that your kids don't or that you don't because of a sickness like what my mom has, and so I'm trying really hard to, I guess, get to even a better place of acceptance with that, so that I'm not, and then I am making really big progress in this area.

Speaker 2: 19:46

I'm not as much triggered by that you know, though, I'm going to go back to a picture that you sent me, when you had an amazing day with your mom and you sent me this picture and you were so happy about this day. There's so much to unfold there because, yes, it was a great day. It's been rough with your mom, so this was an extra special time because you got to do that craft and it was just great. But the other part of it is that went through my head. This is where the grief comes in is that you could see where the role reversal has taken place, and now she's the child and you're the mom and you're taking care of your mom, and I could see it in that picture and I understand the grief, thank you.

Speaker 1: 20:41

Yeah, it's hard, it's hard, but I'm so proud of all of us for how well we are loving her right through it. Oh yeah, my God, especially we can't. I can't imagine the life you thought you'd have and the one that you got you know so young. For this to happen, because it's unfair, and I don't it is.

Speaker 2: 21:06

That word is so, like, you know, an immature way of saying something, because I tell my kids, yeah, life is unfair, you know. But yeah, it fits. This fits perfectly in this situation. It's unfair, yeah. Well, let me just say, yeah, grief is a crazy thing and it is amazing what we grieve over and how long a sadness can stay with us. I mean, I've had times where I'm really surprised on how long something stays with me. I have also grieved about things like, you know, what my older two kids could have had, as our family was split for a lot of times, unfortunately, because of what happened with one of my kids. But you know, life is hard and I say that all the time. This quote talks to my younger version of myself and where certain people failed me. We have to go through the sad so we can get to the other side, and I pray that. You know we have a feeling of empowerment on the other side, of a feeling of hope or love. But you know I've also learned in treatment that every new day is a chance to rewrite your story and I know that we've talked about that before.

Speaker 1: 22:19

And I still love that. It's very, very very true.

Speaker 2: 22:25

You know, when I saw this quote I thought about treatment and I don't know why. And we were talking and I went through a lot of these quotes. I went through AA and treatment quotes just kept coming back to me with this. But I went through treatment for alcohol use and one of the things that they stressed which is really interesting and I don't think people really think about, was that people can keep us sick and as we get better and a lot of people around us are so used to this dance that we have or the relationship that they had with us and weirdly they kind of try to keep us there because that's what they know and you know they say to rid of people, places and things in order to grow. Have you had to rid of people, places or things in order for you to grow?

Speaker 1: 23:16

Yeah, I'm smiling not because I'm happy about it, but because it's happened several times. You know, here's probably the nicest, shortest way to say this Sometimes our family that we did not get to choose, you have to cut ties because of toxicity or because of safety or because of bull for yourself and your children, and so sometimes you get lucky too and you have people who you get to choose as your family. Amen, and so, yes, to answer your question, yes, I have had to rid people out of my life, things out of my life in order to grow absolutely. And I'm in a place like that right now and it's kind of I don't know quite where things stand at the moment. In one of the situations that we're in, we're hoping to keep ourselves protected and our children and we'll have to see how it goes and hope that the people in question can fly, because you know everyone deserves to feel in their own you know yard safe, for example, their own space, to feel safe and not have to feel worried that they'll be harassed or anything like that. And so I do think it's important to get the toxicity out. Yes, and maybe it's permanent, maybe it's just for a period of time, but you know, this is really like. The word that comes to my mind is boundaries.

Speaker 2: 24:55

It's yeah, yeah, and we do have some quotes about that coming up. But I just want to touch on that. I remove toxic for my life. I just get. I mean, it's life is too short and I've realized that, you know, I just I think I used to tolerate it a lot more when I was younger and I kept toxic relationships and I guess I didn't really realize that. You know, I can take control over my life and I can rid of that. But you know that leads to another quote that you sent. I think so often what people misunderstand about boundaries is that the point of setting them is not to change other people's behavior or convince them to value different things. It's to advocate for yourself, regardless of how they respond. And that's by Danielle Kopke, if I'm pronouncing it right Sounds good to me.

Speaker 1: 25:49

I'm not sure 100% either, but I love this one and I love it because of the second to last part it's to advocate for yourself. I have learned, the people whom you set boundaries for or against, however you want to say it they don't like it. They often, if not always, try to push those boundaries you set, break them or manipulate you or them in some way, and that's when we need to stand tall and love safely from a distance. Boundaries are meant to protect the person setting them, so, of course, the person they're against isn't big like them. So always, always, advocate for yourself and don't even think twice. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:33

I mean, it's a great place to be. I tell my kids all the time to advocate for themselves. That's the key word you're using is advocate, stick up for yourself. I think that this is something that we are never too young to learn, and I think we as adults set boundaries, like there is someone who really hurt my child, and so setting that boundary with them and for them, like saying, you know, this person hurt you and they can no longer be in your life and I am protecting you, and I think that sets up a feeling of protection too for them, and they know hey, you know, my parents got this. I don't need to set this boundary for myself right now, because my parents are doing it for me. I think that that sets them up for, you know, being able to do that when they are older and able to do that for themselves.

Speaker 1: 27:22

Absolutely. I think that's our role as a parent is to show them how to do things, because life is hard and things are not always going to go your way. People are going to hurt you, upset you and things are just going to be downright unfair, but it is our job to show them how to advocate for the close. We just did that here with the situation that we are in involving two people that are part of our family, and we have to sit down and tell our kids you can't know the full story because it's just not age appropriate. Exactly but we will protect you with our life and we need you to know that that is what we're doing and that is why these two people have to be cut out of your life. And you know we say we don't want you to be mad at us for this, we're trying to help you understand. And they, the two older ones, both gave us a hug and said thank you for protecting me, and they have not asked to see these two people in nine months, and I think that those two things speak volumes. So, absolutely, we are showing them, unfortunately, but fortunately, so that they will know how to do it themselves one day, what it looks like.

Speaker 2: 28:34

Yeah, you sent me a quote that goes with this on control.

Speaker 1: 28:41

Control what you can, confront what you can't. This one is interesting to me.

Speaker 2: 28:48

Well, one of the things that I like about this but I wanted to change one word because we've been using that word is change the word control to advocate, because I think it has a little different feeling to it when you say, when you hear the word control, you feel out control. But advocate just has a sense of empowerment to it and I really like that. And treatment again, in the AA rooms we would always hold hands at the end and say you know, god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. And I really there's days where one specific part of that will just resonate with me Like it'll just whatever it is. It'll just say, oh okay, I need to accept the things I cannot change. I can't change the situation. I need to accept that and I'll say it over and over again, or it's another kind of a situation and I'll say those things over and over in my head and it's just really interesting how quotes really get me through my day. I didn't really realize that until we're talking about this, I guess.

Speaker 1: 30:03

So I'm totally with you, and some stick out to me more than others. Now, when I saw this one, it is conflicting to me because I believe there isn't actually a whole lot we have control over besides ourselves. But even that can be a challenge sometime because, believe it or not, people do make this hard for us to be able to do so I like to confront what you can part in terms of growth. Challenge yourself to see a different perspective or to go outside your comfort zone or even stand up for what you believe in. But then there was another part of me that, after I kept thinking about this one, I thought well gosh, I feel like that second part could just be taken as argumentative, always wanting to be right and sparking trouble. You know it's not saying if you don't have control over it, go and fight. You know what I mean, but I feel like I don't know. Part of me was like you can't. It's kind of like the saying you can do anything, but not everything you know. And I feel like that's kind of what this. This speaks to me a little bit. It's like, even if you can't control, it doesn't mean that you have to fight every battle. You kind of have to pick and choose. So I put this one in there because it really has me thinking.

Speaker 2: 31:22

Yeah. I think it's good to think, and when we talked about this originally, you were saying, you know, I mean we might not have the same thoughts and feelings about the same quote, and you know, I feel that way. When I used to go into the jail, it was really interesting, when I would talk with the women, how they would just, you know, blurt out these kind of feelings and thoughts about, how they felt about the same scripture. And it's just so. You know, you can read the same thing, even in a book. You can read the same, you know passage in a book and it affect you so differently at different times. Or a song, which there's. So I have certain songs that I go to depending on mood. There was one that I was thinking about that we are not but defined by our mistakes, that we are defined by the strength and courage that it takes to rise above, and I so love that, that we can walk away from the things that can hurt us.

Speaker 1: 32:22

Oh yeah, absolutely. So how about this one? I'm allowed to do what's best for me, even if it upsets people.

Speaker 2: 32:29

Yeah, and it will, because it's again. It's that boundary, You're setting something up with that person and they could have a reaction to it.

Speaker 1: 32:40

So this one I saw in some sort of some sort of online forum and it first, initially I 1000% agreed and I still do agree with it to a large extent. I mean, you do have to put yourself first sometimes, even if it upsets people, and I think that's in terms of boundaries. But I also see how it was really interpreted as being selfish. People are saying, well, that's so selfish. And they're like, well, what if you have kids and don't you put them first? And it's like I agree in many, many, in almost all cases, yes, you do put your kids first, but the truth still remains. This is my go to example If you are in an airplane and they're talking about the oxygen mask, if the oxygen mask comes down, who do they say to put it on?

Speaker 2: 33:26

first, exactly.

Speaker 1: 33:28

Yourself, right Yourself. If you aren't filled up, you can't pour into others. Now there are times where we have to suck it up, as a parent, for example, and still pour into our kids if we don't have anything left, but at the same time, if we show them what's best for me. So I go to a restorative yoga class once a week. My kids beg me I'm used to beg me not to go because it's a night that I don't get to be there for bedtime and snowing, so that's why they don't want me to go. But now, over the last several months, they realize how important it is that I'm a nice or mommy, because I get the face for me and I get to just have my central nervous system calmed and it really rejuvenates me for a couple of days at least. I could really use this class twice a week, if I'm being honest, but they see how good it is and they see that I'm taking care of myself. So I say, yes, I'm absolutely allowed to do what's best for me, even if it upsets anybody, because you do matter, you do.

Speaker 2: 34:35

That's a good one. Actually, that's just you matter. We do matter as the mom, as the adult, as the adult in the room. I think that that's really hard sometimes because we put our kids. I mean, in all situations. I really do think that we put our kids first. I know that we do here, and so I'm starting to get pretty upset with them, though, because I'm constantly like, you know, I would be a better mom if you would pick up after yourself, if you would do the things that you're asked to do, so I don't have to say it 50 times by the time that I get really angry at you, and then I'm starting to boil and boil. So, yeah, I mean it would be great. We don't have any idea what that's going to be. It would be great if they learned how to work as a team. So you know, we're trying to think of them. But, yeah, it really does reach a point where they need to, and this is another big thing. You would think that, as we're thinking of them, that they would pick up on the fact that I need to think of others too. Like they would be like, yeah, I'll think of you too, and now it doesn't transfer a lot of time. So I'm trying to constantly teach them how to. You know the boundaries thing. We're really teaching them A lot of these things that we're talking about today. We are but this thinking beyond themselves and being able to not constantly want or need and they want it taken care of. Right now, you know that kind of stuff is. We're still really working on that, so there's a lot more to discuss, but we're going to wrap it up here. You know, tina, I just love you and I'm so glad that you're back. So thank you so much for listening to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. We will see you next time.