Who you are in your Fear is NOT who you Really are part 2

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This is part two of who you Are in Fear Is Not who you Really Are.

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If you did not listen to part one, I highly recommend that you do it now, before you listen to part two.

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You can reach it at realtalkwithtinaanncom or on Facebook or anywhere you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening, and here is part two.

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It was one of my first really big jobs in the field because I got a counseling.

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You know I have these degrees and so I wanted to go into the helping profession and I ended up being a director of a battered woman shelter and it was one of my most every single job I've ever had.

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I really feel the mission and the purpose behind it.

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So I did all the things.

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I did all the things.

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I was great.

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You know, I really loved going to the hospital and helping the women there and transition them into the shelter and help them in their life and help get them jobs and and help the staff be who they needed to be and all the things.

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But then the director there was.

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I was the director of the shelter, but there were many facets to this organization and the head of the whole entire thing says to me you're going to speak in front of the board and I just went and I just went no.

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And she said yes, you are.

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And I rose and I called in sick that day.

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Oh no.

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And I did not do it.

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And I'll tell you what it wasn wasn't like, and this is years ago.

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Would I do it now?

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Yes, but under I would go in, and this is the autism in me.

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I would have to sit in a certain place.

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I couldn't have people close to me, I would have to hold on to something.

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I would have to have all my senses taken care of in order to do it.

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But I would would do it.

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But back then all I did was see the intimacy behind what she was asking me to do, because they just wanted to hear about me.

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They just wanted me to come in and share and meet me.

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And I panicked.

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I just panicked.

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That wall, see, I was one way with the women in the shelter, because that was my mission to fall down with them.

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Yeah, was a different thing when there were people that were a power for me to sit across from them.

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My mission wasn't there anymore.

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It just changed.

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It scared me and I again became voiceless, so I couldn't even show up.

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So that's really interesting.

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So in this, as I'm hearing you, everything's coming to me, as in these certain settings, when I am talking to people who can have relatable situations with me.

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You know, I sit on the board for a nonprofit shelter for youth.

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If I'm talking to any of the youth, if I'm talking to the young adult or whatever I have, you know it, just it flows because there's some kind of relatability.

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You don't have any like your walls come completely down because you have somebody across from you, that number one.

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If your guard, not guard if your wall is down and you're more open, they're going to be more open to you.

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So you're not hidden because they see your vulnerability.

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And when I'm speaking, and I'm speaking to teachers, it's not kids, but when I'm speaking to teachers, I know that they are going to have an effect on those kids.

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So I, I pull down a little bit more, not a lot with them, but I pull.

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But I'll tell you what.

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Here's where my guard goes up and I that's how I was thinking about this when you talked about speaking I sit on the board and I sit on the board with the most incredible humans.

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They are so good, their mind is in the right place.

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Their hearts are in the right place, but my guard comes up because they have and this is kind of like a weird thing, but it is what it is I shut down and don't use my voice as much as I feel like I should.

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I could not, that they've ever said no to me.

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I mean they're.

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They want my voice.

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I'm there as the voice of youth.

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What intimidates me is that these are highly educated, meaning college graduates.

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You know they're in these businesses that you know are all up here.

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I didn't graduate college, I went for a semester or two.

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I don't have that educational background.

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I mean, my expertise is in what I've lived through, Right, so that's where I can do my authentic self with other people who are experiencing that, and then again With hard knocks, which can be.

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I mean our experiences can be the best teaching tools for other people.

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Yes, but we always get into the situation, no matter how good we get with the speaking and stuff like that, there's going to be a group that, all of a sudden, you're like you know you, you get, I don't know you do.

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I had this one.

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I have to tell you this real quick I this, this young adult that I'm, you know, helping to do the blog with for our thing, and she has such, a, um, just a confidence about her that I wish I had.

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I mean, she's like, you know, she's old enough to be my, I'm old enough to be her mom, but she has this confidence.

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We were talking because, again, I can, I can have these discussions.

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So, you know, that mask is down, because your fears are down, because you're talking to somebody who has been in situations.

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And I said to her I was like, oh, when I get to this setting, and she you know we're on zoom and she looked at me.

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She was like don't you ever, you know, this girl is, is you, you know, 20 something years old.

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And she was like you can't let people like that intimidate you.

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You just gotta go in there like you are.

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Um, I forget what she said, but she said such good words that I was like, ah, so that's been on my mind, but it is.

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It's funny how we get in certain settings and you know what I mean.

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But yeah, I, I, um, I definitely feel more at ease and more comfortable not wearing a mask and being more of just who I am, because that's me when I am speaking to the youth or the kids, or even somebody else like yourself who has shared similar backgrounds, where we have a relatability against us, where we have a relatability against us.

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And then again, with just the teachers, I don't relate, but I know that they're going to affect the kid like me, so I try to tend well, I have to.

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I mean, my speech is about my story, so I guess I need to let down a little bit, to be more to share that.

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But yeah, it is.

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It's crazy.

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When my mom passed away up until she passed away, I was a person that I could say my mask was about as thick as it possibly could be.

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There was nobody or nothing that I was going to let in.

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Yeah.

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After she passed away, and I always say that I started breathing the day that she stopped breathing, which is pretty powerful, but I do.

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You know, I have a tattoo that is the dove and it says faith in God's hands are releasing the dove.

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And it's so funny.

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Well, it's not funny, it's really strange.

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But after she had passed away, I was with one of my daughters.

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She was with me when it happened.

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We leave the hospital, we're driving down the street.

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It's like after midnight.

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I'm like I need gas.

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So I pulled over.

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You know, I got, I'm at the gas station.

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We had balloons, helium balloons that were had been tied to her bed, For whatever reason.

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I wanted them and I took them and I had them in the car.

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I had them in the backseat of the car.

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I opened up the front seat and here I am, I'm getting the gas and everything.

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I opened up the front seat and here I am, I'm getting the gas and everything.

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And out of nowhere and I'm talking these balloons were tucked in the back of the seat.

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They weren't moving Out of nowhere, the door was open and they, they just went out of the car and we tried to grab them or whatever, and I mean it wasn't a wind, there wasn't anything, there was no reason for them to leave the car.

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They were secure and out of nowhere.

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They just like leave and it was the absolute strangest thing and I and we both tried to grab them and it was those balloons just took up everything with her.

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It was so profound to me.

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Yeah, so I got the tattoo because I wanted it to represent how I, where I am now in life and I really believe it took a lot, most of the mask up with her.

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Yeah, I felt a little bit the same.

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So when I ended contact with my mother which caused everybody in my family to disown me except for two cousins, there was a little bit of relief I still, like was very shocked.

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It took me years but it was like all of a sudden I can use a little bit of my voice.

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My grandmother passed away a couple of years ago.

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It was same, similar.

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It was like I even I know I said to someone I said now I could breathe.

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And actually they said now you can breathe too.

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It was really weird, but it's crazy.

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The people who put those fears in you and they're the ones who put the.

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I call it.

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You know, for me it's like their hands over your mouth, so for that's your mask or whatever.

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Um, once they were out of the picture, yeah, you do kind of have that area to breathe and let things down, let that guard down a little bit, because now I don't know it's a freedom.

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I definitely agree with you.

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When that and same with a little bit of last breath, when my grandmother did, I was like I know I'm free.

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Now that's somewhat.

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I still have adversities on.

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You know the person that's still living, even without contact.

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There are still issues, but in the big picture, I'm, you know, you're finally free, and I think that that's what helped me to to be able to write the book, to be able to come out and speak, because now I didn't have any of that keeping me quiet keeping me quiet.

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Yeah, you know you're talking about.

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I mean, did you ever see yourself doing these things that?

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you're doing now?

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No, because I would have been terrified, terrified.

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Well, and I'm inside of me.

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I always, I always, wanted to help somebody.

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Like I wanted to help someone because I've always had that in me, but did I think I would be helping them in this capacity?

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Absolutely not.

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Like maybe it was in there and you always thought something, but oh God, no, I mean no, no, but it just.

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I mean it's who I am, though, Do you know?

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And like, like you said, like I know that this is what I'm supposed to do, Like I know this is my purpose.

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This is where I'm the happiest, you know.

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Obviously I have a wonderful family.

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I'm happy, but me as the person, not me as the mom, not me as the wife, not me as the friend, me as the person.

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This is what I'm supposed to do.

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So that does kind of help me, it reassures me, I'm doing the right thing you know, because it makes me happy.

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Well, I think that lots of times, fear keeps us from being able to tap into our talents, and that's.

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You know, I always wanted to be a broadcaster.

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I always wanted to be all these things.

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I mean, this was my passion.

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What I'm doing now behind a microphone, and I you know as a kid, my creativity was what actually helped bring me out from being able to be behind that mask.

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And we recently have been dealing with the death of my brother, and so it's really kind of really brought up some of those traumas again.

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And so what ended up happening for me was that kid in me said you know what?

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I'm going to start drawing again and start tapping into some of my talents again, again, and start tapping into some of my talents again, because it can really stifle you to the point where those masks can keep you from even being able to know where you can thrive and live and love and feel and all the stuff that helps you be you.

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Yeah, and my creativity and my photography and my drawing and my writing and all those things you know.

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And I also make associations because when my dad had died, I was at the best in my swimming career, if you want to call it that.

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But back then it was heading in that direction, heading in that direction, and so then I ended up quitting when I had to be taking care of my mom, because I really felt so much heaviness on me to take care of my mom all the time because I was the only one.

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So I really, you know, there were so many opportunities, like I wanted to go to Juilliard, I wanted to do like all these things, to even go to New York or LA or you know, because that was my passion and what I wanted to do, and I was just like, no, I have to take care of her.

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So I kept putting everything that I didn't feel as if I was worthy.

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I believed all the lies, I believed all the fears that I was even telling myself.

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So I kept my own self here where, you know, stuck I guess that's a really good word I kept my life from being able to really become who I wanted to become because I believed all those things.

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Yeah, you know, we were talking about this.

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All of a sudden it reminded me I in high school and thereafter I got into acting, and not because I was trying, yeah, I wasn't trying to.

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So for me, the acting was I wanted a family so bad, I wanted a mom so bad, and I thought, well, if I can't have it in reality, I'm going to do this.

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You know, I'm going to have it on, you know, to be able to do this and I can pretend to be this person I really wanted to be.

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So it was, it was.

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You know those things.

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Obviously, I got married and we moved out to the middle of the country, so that kind of went away.

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But yeah, I, those things they do, they kind of mask you for for again.

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For me it was that I don't know that that was going to be me, but I knew I wanted it to be me.

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And you know, if something came along right now I'm not going to lie I'd be like all right, what do you want me to?

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do Me too, oh me too.

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I am all about it.

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Yeah, I'm totally there now.

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I'm probably more confident now because you do tell yourself you're not worthy of something you hear, especially in the acting business, because I remember so many times I'm short, I'm small, I don't look my age, I have a higher voice and back in the 90s I have a higher voice and back in the 90s that was, you know, you can't get anything because you had to be the actual age of the character, explore the things that maybe you want to explore.

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For that fear, like you know, I'm so used to.

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I always said this I was so used to living in chaos in that silence that anything normal or out of that silence scared me because I didn't know how to thrive, or be me outside, because I was so quiet for so long.

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You know my daughter had so much trauma by the time she was 18 months.

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I mean I just hate this for her.

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I mean we got her when she was 18 months and she's made a lot of progress, but she really hides behind that mask and I hate that for her.

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You know I hate when kids learn so young that they have to live behind that mask.

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It's just not fair because they didn't have a chance to start their life before they already had that mask on.

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And she gets into so much trouble at school and in different areas of her life.

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But behind that mask is the most absolute beautiful soul.

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She is so helpful and caring and loving and then she feels the least bit of threat or whatever goes on with her and it just comes out in like the worst ways and I'm like wait a second, you're too pretty to act like this.

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You're too beautiful inside to act like this.

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So what's going on?

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But it's that learning so very young that I'm going to start acting out and I'm going to hate and I'm going to punch and I'm going to fight because I've got these masks on and I'm afraid.

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Yeah, no, I am, that's exactly who.

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That's what I did too.

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It was you know you.

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Just that's all you know and that's what protected you I have.

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I know somebody now it's actually somebody I related to that only one of two, so different on the outside than on the inside, and I just recently have been able to know the inside person, which is so total opposite of that outside.

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I mean, like we talk about fear when we talk, when you were talking to me about doing this, immediately she came to mind this immediately.

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She came to mind because immediately, because I'm like again, only because recently I've gotten to really get to know her and I'm like, oh my god, who the hell are you now like?

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Where, what, what is?

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I mean literally it was like, and I tell her all the time I'm like I never.

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You are the last person that I would see this other person inside.

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You know what I mean.

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That's how opposite it was.

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It's this such, and I always say what are you guarding?

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What are you guarding?

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Because on this inside of you is not like just total opposite, and I'm so lucky to be able to see that other part, right, I mean that's when you talked about this mask thing.

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Just immediately she came to my mind because I'm like, oh man, we talk about masks, that that lady's got a mask yeah, yeah, uh, now my daughter, she, she does take the mask off for certain people who are hurting vulnerable I.

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She becomes that caretaker, even at nine years old.

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I'm like so proud of her.

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Yeah, this is another thing.

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I see her really take her mask off with animals.

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And that was another thing with myself, you know, I mean with myself, you know.

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I mean I was living in it was one of the worst environments.

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But you put an animal with me and it just melts me, it goes away and I'm able to really become who I am and let that animal in, Not people.

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But yeah, I mean I'm, I'm the first one to say you know, no, it's animals before people.

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I think that's the way to go, though you know there's no judgment there.

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They love you for every part of you.

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That's, that's the best part If they can love, if people I, for those of us who put up these masks if we knew that people were like the dogs, where we knew that they love every part of us, that they cherish everything, the good, the bad, the whatever, the no judgment yeah, I don't think we'd have the masks that we wear anymore.

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Well, I mean, it helped.

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The only time that I felt the little bit that helped me was the teachers, and like, if they, you know, I felt this connection with them, like you probably would, a dog or whatever, but if I felt a connection, anytime I would see them, or if they smiled, they said hi.

00:21:59.538 --> 00:22:05.198
It really kind of let off that weight on my chest and let me breathe a little bit.

00:22:05.881 --> 00:22:14.313
When you go through a lot of trauma, one of the biggest things that can happen and this did happen to me and I've seen it happen to other people is a failure to thrive.

00:22:14.932 --> 00:22:15.193
Yeah.

00:22:15.954 --> 00:22:20.820
And it is a real thing and it can even happen when you're older.

00:22:20.820 --> 00:22:28.758
It is just not for babies, but it can be instilled in you when you are very young.

00:22:28.758 --> 00:22:43.324
It can come out in mental health ways from depression, eating disorders, hurting yourself in many types of ways, such as dependencies, and it can show itself in stresses.

00:22:43.324 --> 00:22:47.736
There can be relationship problems and financial problems.

00:22:47.736 --> 00:23:17.720
It can bring out an overall just not caring and just this feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and the anxieties and just the overall stressors of life can just be too much where you live on a shutdown and, like I said, it can happen very much so with adults at every single age, even in the elderly, especially in the elderly.

00:23:18.280 --> 00:23:39.960
There are a few key times in my life that I lived like this for a really long time, way longer than I should when my dad died and when I lived in a very abusive relationship that I've talked about, you know, in many different ways here on the podcast.

00:23:39.960 --> 00:23:47.221
That happened to me, where I lived on complete shutdown and I would say that was a failure to thrive time for me.

00:23:47.221 --> 00:23:55.154
But because of those times in my life I really feel that I would be in a different place in my life.

00:23:55.154 --> 00:24:00.502
I would be further along if I wouldn't have had those times happen to me.

00:24:00.502 --> 00:24:02.840
Now I don't live there where I live in the oh gosh, if this wouldn't have had those times happen to me.

00:24:02.840 --> 00:24:03.298
Now I don't live there where I live in the.

00:24:03.298 --> 00:24:05.156
Oh gosh, if this wouldn't have happened.

00:24:05.156 --> 00:24:12.001
If this wouldn't have happened, then I would be, you know, but I really do believe that they stunted my life.

00:24:12.001 --> 00:24:20.960
Have you had those times that you were completely and utterly just hopeless in fear, and how did you find your way out?

00:24:21.853 --> 00:24:26.773
Yeah, and it kind of goes back to, like my childhood, where I was.

00:24:26.773 --> 00:24:27.936
You know, I go.

00:24:27.936 --> 00:24:46.615
It's the regrets Like if I just said something, maybe I would have been rescued and I would have a different life and I would not have the fears that I have Even, I mean growing up, even into the young adult life, where I just wish that I had the voice to do something or say something.

00:24:46.615 --> 00:24:56.311
But, and I think, if I did like you, you do you think about where would you be if you just use the voice, if you just, you know, were able to do that?

00:24:57.594 --> 00:24:58.395
That's good yeah.

00:24:58.856 --> 00:25:01.480
Yeah, you, yeah, I was.

00:25:01.480 --> 00:25:03.243
I was definitely like I said it's.

00:25:03.243 --> 00:25:07.779
It's only been recently where I've been able to come out of that.

00:25:07.779 --> 00:25:16.931
You know, maybe if I did that I would be further along with with who I am or where I am, or maybe my life would have went a different path.

00:25:16.931 --> 00:25:17.330
I don't know.

00:25:17.330 --> 00:25:19.113
I love my life right now.

00:25:19.113 --> 00:25:22.275
I am perfect for where I'm supposed to be.

00:25:22.275 --> 00:25:26.438
So it did work out, no matter what road I did.

00:25:26.438 --> 00:25:33.804
You know I can't go back and change anything, but thank God that I thank God it worked out to where I am today.

00:25:33.804 --> 00:25:35.704
You know worse.

00:25:35.704 --> 00:25:45.731
You know it could be worse if I chose different things, be worse if I chose different things.

00:25:45.751 --> 00:25:51.223
As far as in my adult life, I think that I wish that I had the courage to do the things I'm doing now a long time ago, because I think that I would be.

00:25:51.223 --> 00:25:57.521
You know I am speaking and I did write and the speaking is getting more and more.

00:25:57.521 --> 00:26:11.288
But I think if I had not had that fear in me five years ago, I would be 10 times further of where I am today and I just, you know that's that's where I definitely can see that.

00:26:11.288 --> 00:26:27.057
I just wish I had that because and I'm doing a good job, don't get me wrong, but I know that I would have been further along had I started, you know, had I had this much courage to say things or come out of my shell, you know, cause that's basically what it is Like.

00:26:27.057 --> 00:26:29.143
You know, I'm being more of me now.

00:26:29.143 --> 00:26:34.826
I'm I'm feeling safer to be me now, and if only I did that like five years ago.

00:26:35.508 --> 00:26:38.954
You know I could have been ahead, but it's a journey I'm on.

00:26:38.954 --> 00:26:43.282
So, um, um, you know it's okay, journey I'm on.

00:26:43.303 --> 00:27:28.856
So you know, it's OK where I'm at Mm hmm, and be different and to flourish and not allow fear to be that mask anymore and be afraid and I want to be able to be that strong one I still have, and you know, years ago, because my sister and I were separated and she was put into the system and so I and I keep this with me all the time and this is one of the biggest reasons she drew this.

00:27:28.856 --> 00:27:31.061
Let me see if I can get this I can?

00:27:31.103 --> 00:27:32.131
yeah, I see it.

00:27:32.131 --> 00:27:38.376
She drew of the two of us in in our woods behind our house.

00:27:38.376 --> 00:27:40.980
It was was actually.

00:27:40.980 --> 00:27:46.526
She took a real photograph of us and she drew that for me.

00:27:46.546 --> 00:27:47.247
That's incredible.

00:27:47.650 --> 00:27:49.536
And it says sisters forever.

00:27:49.536 --> 00:28:04.692
And I keep that hung up on the wall and it's been with me wherever I've lived, or, you know, I always keep it where I can see it, because it's my purpose, it's my mission, it's my voice, it's my reason for everything that I do.

00:28:04.692 --> 00:28:18.654
And I want her to always know that I'm talking for us, I'm speaking for us, I'm talking, I'm trying to help those, you know, those kids that were like us, and hopefully somebody gets the help.

00:28:18.654 --> 00:28:30.730
And I never want to get back to where I was, where I felt stunted, where I wasn't able to take that mask off, because there were definitely times in my life that I felt so that way.

00:28:30.730 --> 00:28:39.584
But now, you know, I'm I'm so utterly grateful for a platform and for a way to express things.

00:28:39.584 --> 00:28:52.582
You know, I mean, we are given such an opportunity that some have not been able to have, so I feel very blessed and honored to be able to do this.

00:28:54.252 --> 00:28:55.337
Yeah, I mean, that's it.

00:28:55.337 --> 00:29:14.343
You know, if we could just give one kid because I'm all about the kids even an adult, though, if we could give someone a little courage to come, you know, let that guard down and become who they are, then you know, I think for me it's worth the risk, yeah, and courage is the word.

00:29:14.403 --> 00:29:15.351
Courage is the word.

00:29:15.351 --> 00:29:35.480
Yeah, I actually wrote down the word courage, because it takes courage to shed your mask and show the world who you are and for anybody that's listening, denise and I and always Tina we want everybody to know that you know you can believe in yourself.

00:29:35.480 --> 00:29:36.383
You can do this.

00:29:36.383 --> 00:29:44.482
We did this, believe in you, and here, at Real Talk with Tina and Ann, we do believe in you.

00:29:44.482 --> 00:29:46.133
We know you can do it.

00:29:46.133 --> 00:29:48.980
You can take off that mask and you can be the real you.

00:29:50.390 --> 00:29:50.991
Absolutely.

00:29:50.991 --> 00:29:51.834
It's a freedom.

00:29:51.834 --> 00:29:58.275
I'll tell you what that breath that you can take from just having one step at a time.

00:29:58.275 --> 00:29:59.277
That's it.

00:29:59.277 --> 00:30:02.362
One baby step at a time and soon you'll be running.

00:30:04.424 --> 00:30:13.000
Yeah, you know, I always say, because of the AA and A sayings, you know, one day at a time and I always, you know, sometimes it's just one breath at a time.

00:30:13.000 --> 00:30:20.701
Yeah, you just have to get to the next one, you just have to go in with the next step at a time because you can see that step.

00:30:21.281 --> 00:30:25.573
Yeah, with the next step at a time, because you can see that step.

00:30:25.573 --> 00:30:29.701
Yeah, it's nice to have somebody to look at or hear that can say you know, I've, I've got that relatability with you.

00:30:29.701 --> 00:30:38.315
I, I, you know if I can be that person that you look at and say you know what, I want to do that or I want to be that, or whatever it is.

00:30:38.315 --> 00:30:42.343
Um, keep that in front of you and say I can do it, I can do it.

00:30:43.171 --> 00:30:48.247
Okay, Denise, you have some speaking engagements and things like that.

00:30:48.247 --> 00:30:53.060
Do you want to talk about your book a little bit and talk about some of the speaking that you have?

00:30:53.750 --> 00:30:58.257
Yeah, so my book is for anybody who can see.

00:30:58.257 --> 00:31:03.304
It's 30 Second second moments and the women who raised me.

00:31:03.304 --> 00:31:07.218
It's on Amazon and it's basically my keynote speech.

00:31:07.218 --> 00:31:11.862
I do talk to educators about the difference that they're making.

00:31:11.862 --> 00:31:17.794
I really go into schools and I look morale, so I'm not the person that comes in and tells a teacher what they're not doing Right.

00:31:17.914 --> 00:31:21.840
I think nowadays, especially nowadays, it's important to tell these educators all the things that they're not doing right.

00:31:21.840 --> 00:31:32.161
I think nowadays, especially nowadays, it's important to tell these educators all the things that they're doing right, that they didn't know, because they're helping kids like myself, who came from traumatic backgrounds, to thrive, grow and change.

00:31:32.161 --> 00:31:33.364
So I am.

00:31:33.364 --> 00:31:37.246
I'll be up in New Jersey speaking at a few schools that I actually attended.

00:31:37.246 --> 00:31:46.353
So I'm really excited because these are the schools I was in and where the teachers were in that I, you know, saw, and then locally here, and so, yeah, I'm.

00:31:46.353 --> 00:31:56.105
You know, if you're a school district out there and you're looking to inspire, empower and celebrate your teachers, you can find me, I think, through Denise.

00:31:56.451 --> 00:31:58.363
Denise Bard dot com.

00:31:58.403 --> 00:31:59.529
Yeah, absolutely.

00:32:01.054 --> 00:32:01.634
That's it.

00:32:01.634 --> 00:32:03.539
So that's great.

00:32:03.539 --> 00:32:04.240
Anything else?

00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:06.292
Any other plugs you want to put in there?

00:32:07.174 --> 00:32:08.277
No, just you know.

00:32:08.277 --> 00:32:13.292
You know, if you need a speaker, here I am, and please go buy my book.

00:32:14.896 --> 00:32:16.278
Okay, all right.

00:32:16.278 --> 00:32:18.711
Well, thanks a lot, denise, for being here today.

00:32:18.711 --> 00:32:22.539
We really appreciate you and we really appreciate everybody out there.

00:32:22.539 --> 00:32:24.063
Until next time.