Transcript
WEBVTT
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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.
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I am Tina.
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And I am Anne.
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This is a continuation of the story of grief.
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This is part two.
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We are going to start with the end of the first episode with the quote about grief.
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And here it goes Grief is not a disorder or a sign of weakness.
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It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love.
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The only cure for grief is grief, and that's by Earl Grohlman, if I'm saying that, right.
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But yeah, that makes me want to cry too.
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That's what I'm saying.
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You got to feel it to heal it.
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The only cure for grief is grief.
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That has stopped me in my tracks.
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One of the other things a sweet friend gave me was another children's book.
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I don't know how to pronounce the author's last name.
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I think it's Charlie.
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It's either McKeezy or Mack-eezy, I'm not sure.
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But he talked about in his book.
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It was titled like the horse, the mole, the boy and the fox, his book.
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It was titled like the horse, the mole, the boy and the fox, and it really is a great story and not even one that is even anything of chronological order.
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But he says in there we see so much of the outside but so much, almost everything happens on the inside.
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And that was that has been so profound to me that it's had me just it continually has me stop and think.
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So I guess what I'm saying is sometimes you know you can look at someone or something on the outside and it might look okay, and you just don't know on the inside and I feel like that's, you know, that's.
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That's what happens with the pets that we are entrusted to, for example.
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You know you might look at them on the outside, like my neighbor was just telling me today, well, when I would see Georgie walking by in the afternoon.
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He looked okay, but you couldn't see what was happening on the inside.
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You know, animals are so stoic and that's every single animal.
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I mean, this is actually kind of a beautiful story.
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But my one cat I had had two cats that lived till they were 20.
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And well, the one cat, he was sick and I didn't know what was wrong.
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Well, and he was 12 at the time and they circled, and I don't know why the vet did this because you know, it was like they were writing him off.
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He was losing fluids, he wasn't able to retain his fluids and I forget what was going on, but she wrote 12 on his chart and she circled it really big, and that's why I remember how old he was at the time.
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And they said well, you know, I mean it's, he's just not going to make it.
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Well, he lived till he was 20.
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Wow, the reason was because, well, all I had to do was buy fluids and I would put the fluids in him.
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And he got to the point where he knew, ok, this is fluid time, and I would put the shot under his skin and he would just lay there with me while I put the fluids in him, and I did it two times a day until he was 20.
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And before he passed away, he was getting sicker.
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I mean, at this time he's 20.
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And he was getting sicker and I had gone away for just the day.
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He was so attached to me and it was like because of my non presence in the house at that time, he decided to I mean, he decided to go downhill and he was going and it felt like he was going to go pretty fast, and they called me and they said, just go straight to the vet.
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So I ended up at the vet and he was just laying there as still as possible.
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It really looked like he was just going to go.
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I put my finger on his paw and he grabbed and he held onto my finger and I put it, my finger, under his nose and he started to sniff and he lifted up his head.
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And do you know that we ended up being able to bring him home for a little while longer and he I mean he, his will to live was so strong and he did not want to leave me and then, when we finally he would not pass away on his own, he ended up dying at home.
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But then he ended up like reviving again two more times and it was so hard to watch that I finally, like you said and it's so hard to make that decision for them to be put down because you don't want to play God and you just don't know if it's the right time and you question if it's the right time and that is exactly how I felt with our first dog, cooper, my shadow, my very, very, very best friend.
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I hated having to make that decision and we are two years, two months out from that decision and I still feel guilty about it.
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My veterinarian told us it was time, having similar issues to what our Georgie had, and I am still over here thinking did I make, did we make, the right decision?
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Did I do it too soon?
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And our veterinarian told us a story of she said I wouldn't let you put your dog down if it wasn't absolutely necessary.
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And we knew that our Cooper had had a tumor and even though his blood work a month prior turned out okay, georgie's two months prior was good, good for him, his normal and then it just all went downhill and I absolutely hate having to make that decision.
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It is not something I take lightly.
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It is not something I enjoy, even though I know it is a kind, loving decision.
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It's.
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It is not something I take lightly.
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It is not something I enjoy, even though I know it is a kind, loving decision from you know what our veterinarian, the experts have said, but it's, it's something I've not been able to let go with our Cooper and I think the difference is there was shock and trauma to how it happened with Cooper because on the outside I didn't know anything was wrong, only until a month prior when a scan showed he has a tumor in his belly.
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So everything was happening on the inside and I just didn't know it.
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And he didn't want to go and he was hiding under this chair where I was sitting when it was time to say goodbye and I looked at the vet and I was like am I making the right choice?
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And she said I absolutely think so and I'm so sorry.
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And she said you know, we could send you home with medicine to see.
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You know another, you know more medicine to see if anything would would help him.
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And I said I don't want to do that to him, I don't want to watch him suffer, I don't want to keep seeing the seizures in him have no control over his bowels.
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And I think one of the things I'm really hung up on and I'm just being really honest with our Cooper from over two years ago is that there were a few close friends who I said this was the end.
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And one of them said are you sure?
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Like how do you know?
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And I said, well, I don't know if I ever really know, but he's lost control of his bowels and I almost feel like, because I said it was time, I couldn't bring them back home, even if I could have, if that makes any sense, and I think I'm hung up on that, that point, and I'm thinking to myself.
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Tina, your own veterinarian said this was the right thing to do, the most loving thing to do, but it's just certainly didn't feel, and still doesn't feel, that way.
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Yesterday I switched my plan over.
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I have pet insurance and I had, for whatever reason, unlimited plan before for a million dollars, which I'm not really sure how that happened.
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And then I realized that my price had gone up.
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So I called and I said you know, it went up from 40 to 60.
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I mean, that's quite a bit.
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And then she said well, you know the next plan down and we talked about how the coverage is.
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Lady on the phone has had had to put cats down and we talked about how, really, if it gets to the point where, if my cat is having to have care over twenty five thousand dollars, we're probably looking at something that's probably more significant.
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And for cancer, we always decided that we would never go into treatment because it really does rob them of their quality of life.
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When it gets to the point, tina and I think that that's where you need to know with Cooper is that when their quality of life isn't there anymore, when their quality of life isn't there anymore and just imagine how he felt not being able to have control over his bowels anymore when you know an animal is so prideful over you know, I mean they go outside, they do their stuff, they come inside and when those things start going, they must not feel good about who they are anymore.
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You're absolutely right.
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It was just, I mean, my shadow everywhere I turned there.
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He was right.
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The pain of losing him took my breath away, as it did with Georgie, and I think for two separate reasons because Coop was my best friend and Georgie was the last dog standing, you know, and I I don't know how to live without one and I don't know that I want to.
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You know, yet I'm not ready to talk about or think about the possibility of having another dog.
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I believe I will have another dog one day and I hope I'm blessed too, because they are so great.
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I just feel guilty even thinking about it.
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You know, it's just like that.
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Like your quote said, the only way through grief is grief, and I think I'm just, I'm just right in the middle of it or in the beginning of it.
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I should say, yeah, well, it just happened.
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And I think people think, because it's just an animal, that you should get over it quicker.
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Oh no, it's not just an animal to me, no, no, not to me either, not to me either.
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You know what, tina?
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I have never heard that book about that leash.
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I'm going to look it up.
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Yes, it's called the invisible leash.
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It's really really sweet, like really really sweet and um, it's funny.
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A friend of mine told me about it and then one a different friend showed up at my door with the book within like two hours of learning about it.
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Patrice k-a-r-s-t.
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It's really, it's really really precious.
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Oh look, I'll have to, I'll find it, I'm gonna get it, yes, yes, you know perry, the counselor that we had on a few weeks ago.
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She was the director of Camp Quality, which is a kids camp for kids with cancer, and I was the photographer there.
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So for like years, you know, we were very, very involved with these kids.
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Some of them have passed away and it was.
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It was pretty rough, but we got some books that were for kids for grieving and they were pretty good.
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Yeah, but one of the other things about that is every year we would have the service animals and everything come to camp and man, you want to talk about the kids loving on that.
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You know we take our three to the library every.
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It's like the second tuesday of every month.
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The kids get to read books to the dogs and man.
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It's just the most beautiful thing I bet they're really, they're just so special they're, they're so special I I can't stress that enough what dogs do for me and what you see them do for other people, and you know that's, that's something I, you know.
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I'm thinking about a few things.
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I'm thinking about well, maybe I'll volunteer at an animal shelter, maybe I'll sign up for Rover and I'll get to go and be with other dogs and just help other people, you know, when they're on vacation or something.
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Um, I just don't feel like I'm designed to live without a dog.
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I, I don't want to be alone.
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Yeah, I don't, I've never gone without a pet, I've always had a pet.
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It was hard for me not to have a dog and just have cats, um, but you know it, when I look in the eyes of a dog, my heart hurts so much because I feel the loss so great, um, that I just, I don't know, I've never been able to get.
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But but also, that was also because I ended up with having my kids, which then, um, I just thought that it was going to be too much for me to have a dog and the three kids at the same time.
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So, plus, you know you can't go, you can go away with a cat.
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It's, it's hard to go away when you have dogs I mean you have to get little sitters and they have to come and take them out a couple days.
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Cats can stay all day by themselves.
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They've got their litter and their food.
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So it's it's just different.
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But yeah, yeah, if I worked in an animal shelter I would probably leave with every animal.
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I I would.
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You know that's that's the yeah, that's what I'm thinking about is okay, like what would be actually um, like with with bringing georgie home that first time.
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It was never supposed to be.
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We're going to keep them forever, but I couldn't bring them back.
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Yeah, you know I couldn't do it.
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So I know that if I ever brought it home, that would happen again.
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So I I, you know, I'm trying to, I'm trying to heal, get to a place of peace and then consider what might be the next step.
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I think I'd like to sit the summer out and not have a dog this summer, so that I can just wrap my head around everything that's happened.
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And who am I without a dog this summer?
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So that I can just wrap my head around everything that's happened.
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And who am I without a dog right now?
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And then hopefully, maybe in the fall, we would be ready to maybe get another one, or or maybe then I do something that helps me still be connected to dogs.
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I just, I, just I love, I love them so much, I love them so much.
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And big dogs I'm not a little dog person, I love big dogs.
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Not that I don't like little dogs, but I don't want a little dog.
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I want 60, 70 pound dog, that's.
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That's what I like.
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Yeah, we, we.
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Well, daisy, the one who ended up really rescuing my heart.
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She had been outside forever, this cat.
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Just, you know, I kept seeing this cat and its neck was raw to the part point where it was all pussy, just it was.
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Her whole body was scarred up, her whole neck.
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She just, I mean I'm talking bloody bloody.
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And everybody would just call her that cat.
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Oh, there's that cat, whatever.
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And you know, I just can't get over people that nobody wanted to help this cat and all I wanted to do was help this cat, and she didn't trust anybody.
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She just she had been outside, I guess, for the first six years of her life, and even to the point where this was before I had moved there.
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But the tenants there had said that they saw her dying outside in the frigid, frigid, cold weather, when you know when.
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Nobody was willing to help her.
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But she just always seemed to make it through.
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And so it got to the point, tina, where when I would walk to go pay my rent, she would come out from the bushes and, like a dog, would follow me all the way there and then hide in the bushes till I came out, and then she would follow me all the way back to the apartment and she would go up the stairs and stand outside my apartment.
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And it got to the point where it was like below zero temperatures and I opened my door and I said, come on, and she ran in and that was it.
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She was, you know, she finally trusted me enough to do that, but it was quite the process to get her to that point, but, and you know, she was with me until she died and she was probably one of the most loving animals I've ever had.
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So you know, they know, they know when you rescue them.
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Oh yeah, oh yeah.
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I mean Georgie was absolutely sent to us and cooper picked us out of the litter that we, when we went and we're looking for a chocolate lab, I mean he picked us and he was the very best dog.
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nothing like the love of a dog.
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I think I'm still kind of like did this all really just happen?
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Like did it really just happen three days ago?
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I mean, I literally have to tell myself at night you have to allow yourself to sleep, staying up all night and crying Like I cry myself to sleep each night and I'm like but you got to let yourself sleep, tina, you have to.
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Like Georgie wouldn't want you to do that, georgie, I really believe that all of the sunshine this week is for us, literally for us, because Georgie would have been laying out on the deck this whole time sunbathing.
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He loved the sunshine and the sunshine is one of the things that makes me happy, and I don't think I'd be able to get through this time with it being doom, gloomy, rainy, cloudy.
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Truthfully, I don't.
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Yeah, he's right there with you guys in all kinds of ways.
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So that's one way of God, you know, pouring his love down on you and letting you know here's the sunshine.
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Yeah, because I think the only way I I seriously feel like the only way I hold on to my faith is through nature, like I just think, okay, well, god's giving me this sign through nature because, listen, I just certainly don't feel like he's loving in any.
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We're still not there yet.
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I don't, and I mean I'm not mad at him.
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Dogs die, people die Like I get that, it's just.
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There's just a lot, not just my life, you know.
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I know a lot of people have a lot of things going on and a lot of people I love right now have a lot of hard things going on and just a lot of hard between it is.
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It is a lot of hard, just a lot of hard.
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You know my eight year old.
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It was really interesting.
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She sat across from me and she said mama, why isn't life fair, oh gosh?
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And I said I, I don't know, yeah, yeah.
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And she said I, I really want to know why it isn't.
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And it just made me want to cry because I was just like, wow, I mean it was so profound coming from a little child.
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Yes, yes, yes, she really wanted to know and I mean I could.
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My mind, in my adult way, is going all the way back to Adam and Eve and sin and sin, and I'm thinking all these things that just aren't appropriate for me to say at that moment, except for I don't know and really in my heart, you know, if I don't want to philosophize it to death I really don't know when I and right, I mean we can try to analyze the scriptures or analyze science or analyze whatever we want to to get to an answer.
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But honestly, but the truth is, when I ask that question, I'm not really looking for an answer.
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I'm looking for someone to empathize with me and just say I don't know, because this is not fair.
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I don't know because this is not fair.
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Yeah, you know, just to validate how you feel, how she feels, you know.
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Yeah, that's that was.
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I just met her right where she was, right, that's right.
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All I could say was I don't know, but it isn't, and she.
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It was kind of profound.
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It was a couple minutes of just profound, very unexpected, but anyway.
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Well, thanks for doing this.
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It's good to just be in the moment.
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real and raw, that's what we're supposed to do and I thank you so much for listening to part two of the story of grief, and we will be back next week.
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Thanks for supporting us.
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We really appreciate it.
