Treat me bad because I already do! Taking Guilt to Self-grace part 2

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This is part two of turning guilt of wrongdoing into grace or actually we could call it because this is what I kind of thought I would call it instead of turning guilt of wrongdoing into grace as treat me bad because I already do.

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You know, the more you listen, the more that you will understand.

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If you haven't listened to part one, I would really recommend that you do, because it is a great tie-in to part two.

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We ask a lot of really difficult questions this episode.

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Do you think that some people should be treated bad because of some of the choices that they've made?

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Do you feel if someone hurts you deeply, should you be allowed to hurt them?

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Have you ever felt that you yourself deserve to be treated badly because of bad choices you have made?

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Do you think God loves you more or less because of choices that you've made?

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You know, if love is an action, not a feeling, then do we have to have the feeling for us to be able to be loved?

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Can somebody actually be tainted?

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I mean, if somebody feels that again, feels as if there's so many things that are going against them in their life?

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Do you feel that somebody can actually be tainted If everyone is getting a miracle, but you, you are the miracle we talk about.

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That quote from Beth Moore and many, many other great quotes.

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This turned into an amazing discussion that I think that you really will want to hear.

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Thank you all for listening to Real Talk with Tina and Anne, and this is part two you know what was the final straw for them?

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And they just said you get to a point where you just absolutely had enough.

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Something just clicks inside of you and you're like, no, it's not going to be this way anymore, I don't deserve it.

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You work up the courage and then you get out of the situation, and I think that threshold is different for everybody.

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Yeah, yeah, I agree, and I'm always.

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I can feel.

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When I was the director at that shelter, you know you could just feel how strong those women actually were.

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It was such a combination of they were so strong but yet they were so beaten down at the same time.

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And they had just and I, and a lot of the times it was about their kids and why they wanted to change.

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But to find it within yourself just to be enough to be the reason why you demand better, just because you're important enough.

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So one of my favorite lines from the movie the Help stays with me all the time and it's she says you is kind, you is smart, you is important, and that's always stood out to me from that movie and I'll say that to my kids, and every day before, just about every day before they walk out the door to go to school, I always say be kind, have fun, help others and, most importantly and they respond, I love you.

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So I just think that there's so much that we need to remember that each of us are here for a purpose.

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I truly do believe that.

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And when you figure it out, it really opens things up and I think it really makes you see the world differently, see yourself differently, see the surroundings differently, and I think that might be also part of making you realize that you deserve better as well.

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So I think it's a threshold and I think it's once you know your purpose.

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Like I believe, I'm a conduit and that doesn't mean you just have one single purpose.

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I just one of my purposes in life is to connect people and things to other people and things or resources, and I get great joy out of being able to do that.

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I think finding your purpose is so important and you could have more than one and they could change by season, you know, but when you do, it gives you so much.

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I think that people who end up at the end of their life and miss that, you know, and somewhere along the lines, the people who end up back using, end up back in the prison system, end up, you know, alone, depressed or making really bad choices a lot of the times, and maybe not, but just that maybe they spent a long time looking for that purpose and they didn't find their purpose.

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They weren't able to really grab onto it, and so then there was that hole, that longing, trying to figure out why were they here?

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You know, my seven-year-old has asked me why am I here, why was I born?

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And I find that interesting that even at seven years old he wants that answer.

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So I think that we all have that want to know why are we here?

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Right and I wish I could say, oh, at nine years old you're going to figure it out.

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But it comes different for everyone.

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You know, and it really does hurt my heart when children or people who've really had a hard, hard life, things they didn't deserve, you know, absolutely not, but it becomes their responsibility to heal from and it just hurts my heart that maybe they hadn't had someone speak positive to them.

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Or, you know, they didn't have the tools available or they did, but they didn't know how to use them.

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You know, if you show me, you know, sometimes we have the tools and we can use them and sometimes we just don't know, maybe, what they are.

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But I'm so confident that I'm so confident your seven-year-old will be able to find the way, because with with a mom like you, there's just absolutely no way for it to go any other direction.

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I mean seriously, I know it shouldn't be this way, but you are such a gift to them, to your kids, and you're raising kids again for the second time and you've got some things under your belt and I'll tell you you are one to not give up and I know that you will help your kids find their way.

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Absolutely, and I'm sure it probably hurt your heart maybe to hear that, but at the same time there's a whole lifetime to figure it out.

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You know, that's the flip side.

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We can figure it out and we can figure it out together.

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Well, him in particular, he is gifted and he will figure it out, and we can figure it out together.

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Well, him in particular, he is gifted and he will figure it out.

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I know that he will.

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And he is so inquisitive.

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He's always asking, you know, questions beyond the grave.

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He's always, you know, it doesn't matter what it is, he is looking at it and he's trying to figure it out.

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So I love his mind and I love that.

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He asked too, you know, going back to this, do you think that there's ever been someone that really deserved everything that they got?

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I mean, honestly, I think so.

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I do.

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I got to tell you.

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I am not going to hesitate when I say this I like karma.

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I think sometimes karma bites the right people, you know it just does.

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And sometimes karma's gotten myself too.

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I can look back and say now like yeah, I might've had that coming for a decision that I made.

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But you know, there are some people who I think deserve what they have coming for them.

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Okay, you can take an example of someone who murdered someone.

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I don't think you just deserve a slap on the wrist.

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No, you don't, right?

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You know, I guess you would definitely be able to speak more to this than I could, but I do find it hard to believe and I know I'm not alone in this.

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I'm not saying it's impossible, but I do find it hard to believe if people really change.

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You know, if you're a murderer, change.

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You know, if you're a murderer, or especially if you're a mass murderer.

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I don't know, you know.

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Is there any rehab?

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You know, I don't know.

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You know it all comes down.

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Is it genuine?

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I think that's what I mean.

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Is it genuine if there is a change of heart?

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I think that there's different sets of people within the prison system or when somebody does something to that extent, and I think that there are people who are genuinely good, people who have made mistakes or done bad you know, or went on the wrong path and then they do turn it around.

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I do believe in those people and I've seen that.

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But then there are those people that I think where the mental health piece is there, where there just isn't any way for them to turn it around, because it just you know whether it's a sociopath or something to that degree where I mean, that is their mission is to hurt other people.

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But there are different degrees.

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But the people who are like the sociopaths and the people who really do all they want to do is the second that they get out is they're going to hurt somebody.

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It's a different story.

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Now I really did get to know some of the women personally in there and in the jail, and one of the women, I mean something had happened and she ended up murdering somebody, but her heart was a good person.

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Now she should have that consequence.

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She needed to do that life in prison.

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She had to.

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I mean that's the consequence to her actions, but her heart was still good.

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She really and I mean she took a life and I can't think of anything more horrible, so she absolutely deserves to be there.

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But could she still be a good person?

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Well, I think that this leads me to a question I've often wondered.

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Okay, let's say that you were held captive.

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Okay, I mean, this happened in Cleveland, ohio.

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There were three women that were held captive in a home for gosh a decade, if I'm remembering correctly.

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But let's just say that someone's held you captive for a very long time, abused you, abused you, abused you, and then one day you take their life.

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So I don't feel bad in that situation and I would go as far to say I don't feel like the person who took the life may deserve the life sentence that they will get.

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You know at what point I think, if there's self-defense.

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There's self-defense when the person is right in front of you and you have to do something because it's just or you're going to get killed.

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I mean, there is that.

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But then there is the other where I think you just need to let the law take control and play it out that if you take somebody's life, even if they helped you captive for that long, you're going to do the time.

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That's just the way it is.

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Yeah, but that's just a hard situation to think about.

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The law is the law and it doesn't say well, you know, if if you do it for this reason, then you're okay, you don't have to spend as much time in here.

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It's just supporting you know, someone who was tortured their whole life, you know, and saying I understand why you did what you did.

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I mean, it's still wrong, but I was at the menendez brothers, who who?

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there were two brothers that that happened to and then they killed their parents and they're doing time now for it.

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Might be that sounds familiar to me, but anyway, that was a big discussion everywhere.

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You know they were tortured by their parents and then they ended up killing their parents by their parents and then they ended up killing their parents.

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So I don't know.

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I just think that there's so much better, there's so many better ways that it could be handled.

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Have you ever felt that you have ever done anything so bad that you felt for yourself afterward and maybe for years after, well, I deserved it.

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I deserve whatever's coming my way.

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Yep, I've also felt that way about myself too Long ago, but lots of healing since then and realizing that you know what Mistakes are meant to be made.

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They mean you're learning, especially as long as you learn from them.

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You try not to make the same mistake more than once or twice before you before you learn from it.

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But yeah, I've absolutely felt like, well, I absolutely deserve what was coming to me, do you?

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think god loves you more or less, depending on what you do oh boy, I don't know how to answer that.

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I'm in such turmoil with God currently, mostly because of my mom's sickness and her diagnosis and situation, and you know, I don't feel loved by God and I know that someone else very close to me would feel the same way.

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We aren't sure what we did to deserve this.

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Even though we know that's not how God works, it still feels that way.

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But that's really the only way that I can answer that question is by giving that example.

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What about you?

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Well, I think a lot of my life I felt that way because other people made me believe that.

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But if I just would have focused on what the you know what the word says, what God says, that he does love us, I think God loves us.

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I mean, god is love, so how could he not love us?

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I don't know.

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I mean that's, I don't know.

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I think we've all done things, but I still think that he still loves us.

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And I don't think that because we did something, that this happened after.

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You know, like all I believe that when I'm saying it, but like something will happen and I'll be like, well, you know what.

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You called somebody a name the other day and so you deserve this.

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Right now, you know, I mean like things like that will come to my head and I'll just be like well, see, came back to you.

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Oh, ann, you're so funny so I don't know if I would go that far for me, but I love you anyway and I would say mine is just, probably.

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It's just, it's this deep longing to feel the love because I'm such a big feeler and you have had counselors tell me, well, maybe you don't need to feel his love to know you're a big feeler and you have had counselors tell me, well, maybe you don't need to feel as loved to know you're loved.

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I'm like, but that's what I'm missing.

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I don't know how else to describe it.

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I mean, you can say someone it's just like in real life.

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If someone says they love you, but they don't show you that they love you, how do you feel loved?

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You probably don't, especially if your love language isn't words of affirmation, it's, you know, acts of service.

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So that is such a hard question, from what I'm supposed to know to how I feel, if that makes sense, that's the best way I can break it down.

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And that's really good.

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You know, part of the thing with me and I was just thinking about this is that you know, I never took a traditional path in my life in any way.

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And when you look at certain people and you know they're born by I don't know, I'll just throw out you know, one's a doctor, one's a lawyer.

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They have this really good, great genetics.

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Their grandparents were amazing people.

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Their great-grandparents were amazing people.

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They have kids.

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You can see them succeeding in the school systems and they're going to be like you know, the best musician or the best athlete, or you know you can see them getting into Ivy League schools and you're just sitting there going well, of course, of course you know.

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but and I've felt that way before and about other people in my life.

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Yeah, yeah.

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And then I'm like well, you know, and you were adopted.

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You adopted your kids because you couldn't even have kids, which then you ended up with your grandkids adopting them, and even my disabilities and everything, nothing has taken the traditional path with me.

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And then I even thought about how my siblings and if somebody, I can't tell you how many times people have said to me you know what?

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Oh, do you have any brothers and sisters?

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Yeah, I have a biological half sister and half brother who, you know, never lived with me, but my biological half-brother passed away from drugs and I have kind of sort of an adopted sister who lived with me, but she was really my adopted cousin and we kept her in the house as my sister, but after my dad died then we put her back in the system, or my mom did anyway.

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And I have a half-brother from my adopted dad's side who was so much older than me he was way gone when I was brought into the family and I have my biological dad's side that I just met through DNA matches.

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But there is so much pain from the biological dad that none of us stay connected and I actually had my biological mom say to me one time that I was a dry birth and I was a pain from the very beginning.

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And you know, I'm just thinking about this and I'm going oh, now I think I know why I feel like I'm a little tainted.

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I mean, I don't know, you see this lineage over here and then you see this lineage over here and then you're like well, can someone actually be tainted?

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So there's a quote by Beth Moore that comes to mind, and it's when everyone seems to be getting a miracle, but you, you are the miracle.

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And that came to mind as you were telling that story.

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I'll take it.

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I'll take that.

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I agree, and I can't think of the author of this quote and it's not a direct quote anyway but it's something that helped heal me because I get really frustrated of looking at certain families like they're just perfection.

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If there ever was something close to perfection, that is them, and of course, things come easy to them.

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Look at this, generation after generation after generation of near perfect people, and then there's me who and it's not that I'm trying to throw myself a pity party, it's just everything seems to be an uphill battle.

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You know, I'm learning things for the very first time and the quote had something to do with you're who your bloodline has been waiting for.

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And I hold on to that because if it is something that my mom taught me and it's something that I really do believe about myself and, I think, all of my children, I think anyone who knows me well would say Tina, you are who your bloodline has been waiting for.

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Because I have been recently, just in the last like six months, reading that quote about I am who my bloodline has been waiting for, just man, I'm like, okay, okay, I can do this.

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Then you know, because I think that puts a fire under your butt.

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I mean, that makes you just, it makes you release all that stuff that has you know that you've sealed from all the generations before you that it's failed.

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Yep, yes, that's exactly how I feel.

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I feel like, okay, single-handedly, that quote shifted my perspective to make me feel like I'm not enough and I'm not worthy to.

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That's absolutely what my purpose is here is to break all of the decades, generations of sin and crap and shame and crap, and that's what I'm here for is to that I am who my bloodline's been waiting for.

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It changed everything A fierce determination.

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I'm going to use it because I know my three feel as if they have those same kind of feelings that you know.

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There was a lot that happened to them because, of things that happened before that generation.

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And I would love for them to see themselves as the hope in that generation and in that lineage.

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Yes, I think that's why the word hope is one of my favorites ever.

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I collect wooden little signs, if you will, for like the windowsill, and I've had people give me several that say hope and I think, if it's anything you can take away, don't lose hope.

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Look at you, look at me, look at our families.

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We still have all the hope there and I loved when I read you are who your bloodline has been waiting for and I'm like, yes, yes, I am.

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It's so hard and exhausting at times, but so worth it.

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We are who our bloodline has been waiting for.

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We are turning the page, creating this brand new book, brand new chapter for all of those that come after us.

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I think we've mentioned before on the show.

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That isn't it amazing.

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It should be a given, but it's not.

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Because it wasn't for you and for me of how we're raising our kids.

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They will have much less trauma hopefully none, but much, much, much less than what we had, because we know more.

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We're doing different things.

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We are who our bloodline has been waiting for yeah, yeah to anyone who feels that way, that you're tainted or that you're just not worthy.

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Everyone has purpose.

00:23:24.222 --> 00:23:36.905
You know, we need to quit lying to ourselves and allow other people's lies to find who we are, because that's what they are they're just lies.

00:23:36.905 --> 00:23:45.928
No matter what path has been placed before you, you can forge another, and I have never given up.

00:23:45.928 --> 00:23:56.458
Tina's never given up, no matter what I pushed through and believed in myself, even though, unfortunately you know, I've allowed others to treat me less than.

00:23:56.458 --> 00:23:59.064
I'm going to work on that.

00:23:59.064 --> 00:24:01.127
I'm really going to work on that.

00:24:01.894 --> 00:24:02.920
I believe that you will.

00:24:02.920 --> 00:24:07.866
Yeah, I'm going to make that like a promise to myself.

00:24:07.866 --> 00:24:18.525
What I do know is that, regardless of whatever lies before you, whether you've had a traditional path or not, everyone is worthy and loved and has purpose.

00:24:20.208 --> 00:24:20.909
Absolutely.

00:24:20.909 --> 00:24:23.262
My path wasn't so traditional either.

00:24:23.262 --> 00:24:29.655
I am also adopted, but my mom is my real mom, just a different type of adoption.

00:24:29.655 --> 00:24:39.321
And when you are in a family and I've always felt like I belong to my dad's side of the family, but still in the back of your mind that voice comes in.

00:24:39.321 --> 00:24:42.675
So I agree 100% with what you said.

00:24:42.675 --> 00:24:47.067
We all have purpose, we are all worthy, we are all supposed to be here.

00:24:47.067 --> 00:24:51.554
Someone once said you know, if you're not dead, there's still something for you to do here.

00:24:51.554 --> 00:24:52.917
Oh yeah, you're not dead yet.

00:24:52.917 --> 00:24:57.307
So you know, just keep going, keep on going.

00:24:57.935 --> 00:25:05.361
I want to ask everyone if there's anything standing in your way from thinking that you are important enough to be treated well.

00:25:05.361 --> 00:25:12.306
Is there anything that makes you feel that you are disqualified from being loved?

00:25:12.306 --> 00:25:19.765
And I want you to really think about what we're talking about here today, because you are.

00:25:19.765 --> 00:25:25.383
There's nothing that disqualifies you from being loved or feeling worthy.

00:25:26.345 --> 00:25:30.722
Absolutely and remember you are who your bloodline has been waiting for.

00:25:32.851 --> 00:25:37.874
If you are sitting there thinking I'm not worthy to be loved, I'm not worthy at all.

00:25:37.874 --> 00:25:40.135
I want you to stop right there.

00:25:40.135 --> 00:25:43.178
You are worthy of being treated right.

00:25:43.178 --> 00:25:45.700
You are worthy, period.

00:25:45.700 --> 00:25:48.582
I want you to ask yourself these questions.

00:25:48.582 --> 00:25:51.042
Why do you feel that way?

00:25:51.042 --> 00:25:53.825
Was there something planted in your head?

00:25:53.825 --> 00:25:55.747
When was that?

00:25:55.747 --> 00:26:01.339
How old were you Put yourself in that situation when it happened?

00:26:01.339 --> 00:26:04.598
Can you think of a replacement phrase?

00:26:04.598 --> 00:26:22.498
Every time that you allow someone to treat you badly and it makes you smaller, makes you feel less than I am asking you to come up with a phrase that works for you, that you can say in your head For me it will be.

00:26:22.498 --> 00:26:23.840
You don't deserve this.

00:26:23.840 --> 00:26:25.703
You deserve better.

00:26:27.070 --> 00:26:37.806
Coming from someone that had to find the strength young to make it as a failure to thrive baby and had a lot of horrible messages said to me very young, I know you can do this.

00:26:37.806 --> 00:26:40.833
I was told I would not graduate high school.

00:26:40.833 --> 00:26:43.038
I got a master's degree.

00:26:43.038 --> 00:26:48.693
I was told I would not be able to hit a ball and I practiced until I hit a home run.

00:26:48.693 --> 00:26:58.445
I was told that I wouldn't be able to really ride a bike and I ended up riding a unicycle in parades.

00:26:58.445 --> 00:27:09.752
I was told I would not be able to drive and I worked until I was able to drive a postal truck, even on the right side.

00:27:09.752 --> 00:27:20.866
I was told I would not be able to read and comprehend because of my eye disabilities and because of my executive functioning and working memory.

00:27:20.866 --> 00:27:22.876
I figured it out.

00:27:22.876 --> 00:27:27.141
I had trouble being social because of being autistic.

00:27:27.141 --> 00:27:35.390
I used the interviewing skills I got from being a journalist to be able to ask and communicate better with people.

00:27:35.390 --> 00:27:48.321
To be able to ask and communicate better with people, I learned when I thought that God did not love me, when people from the church people from the church told me to leave that I was not worthy.

00:27:48.321 --> 00:27:55.380
They were the ones with the problem and, trust me, they were.

00:27:55.380 --> 00:28:02.499
I wrote a whole dissertation about it to get my master's and it was very well received.

00:28:02.880 --> 00:28:13.798
By the way, on restoration ministries and I honestly think that this is a thing, but that's just a side note.

00:28:13.798 --> 00:28:19.561
Don't let anyone let you feel a certain way.

00:28:19.561 --> 00:28:30.622
You are important, you are loved, you are worthy, you are the one in your bloodline that the world has been waiting for.

00:28:30.622 --> 00:28:40.044
Remember, at Real Talk with Tina and Ann, we always say that there is purpose in the pain and there is joy in the journey.

00:28:40.044 --> 00:28:43.538
You can join us each week anywhere.

00:28:43.538 --> 00:28:44.681
You get your podcasts.

00:28:44.681 --> 00:29:00.267
You can reach us on Facebook at and get all of our episodes.

00:29:00.267 --> 00:29:01.568
Message us.

00:29:01.568 --> 00:29:03.271
We will message you back.

00:29:03.271 --> 00:29:08.063
You have access to our monthly newsletters and you get special messages from us.

00:29:08.063 --> 00:29:18.663
So just remember again that you are worthy, you are loved and you have purpose.

00:29:19.463 --> 00:29:28.064
And if you're that person that is floundering around and feeling as if you don't have purpose, I'm telling you that you do.

00:29:28.064 --> 00:29:31.938
You do, and it might be right under your nose.

00:29:31.938 --> 00:29:34.810
It might be something that you've been doing all along.

00:29:34.810 --> 00:29:39.142
It might be the person that's sitting right in front of you that needs your help.

00:29:39.142 --> 00:29:48.076
And if you can't find it, somebody gave me the best advice when I was just in my absolute worst space.

00:29:48.076 --> 00:29:51.881
There was nothing I felt that I was doing right.

00:29:51.881 --> 00:29:56.257
Somebody said go help somebody else.

00:29:56.257 --> 00:29:59.142
Right now, you go help somebody else.

00:29:59.142 --> 00:30:01.611
It was the best advice I got.

00:30:02.592 --> 00:30:07.637
I got up and I got a degree in helping people.

00:30:07.637 --> 00:30:18.285
I'm so sad, in a way, that I'm not able to really volunteer and do all the things that I want to do.

00:30:18.285 --> 00:30:25.681
I have a list of places that I want to work and help at, and my life keeps me from doing that.

00:30:25.681 --> 00:30:27.284
So you know what I did.

00:30:27.284 --> 00:30:29.712
I was like you know what?

00:30:29.712 --> 00:30:38.696
I'm going to make a podcast from my own house where I can continue to make a difference in people's lives.

00:30:39.179 --> 00:30:43.778
So if there are roadblocks that are in front of you, you've just got to figure out a way.

00:30:43.778 --> 00:30:45.682
Go, get up.

00:30:45.682 --> 00:30:48.055
You know, show up, and that's what people have.

00:30:48.055 --> 00:30:50.038
I have learned this along the way.

00:30:50.038 --> 00:30:56.076
If you feel as if you can't, the best step that you can do is just to get up.

00:30:56.076 --> 00:31:02.234
Show up, and your purpose will be right in front of you.

00:31:02.234 --> 00:31:08.073
I promise you that there is always somebody out there that can benefit from your help.

00:31:08.073 --> 00:31:12.144
Go to a homeless shelter to help, go somewhere to volunteer.

00:31:12.144 --> 00:31:31.961
If you show up to love somebody, I guarantee and I say this all the time no matter where I volunteered, no matter where I have worked when I'm giving to other people, I'm always getting more back and I'm always feeling as if this is why I'm supposed to be here.

00:31:31.961 --> 00:31:35.904
Just remember you are important, you have a purpose.

00:31:35.904 --> 00:31:44.917
Nobody, nobody, should talk to you in a way or treat you in a way where you are less than so.

00:31:44.917 --> 00:31:51.695
Keep being real and keep being you and believe in yourself.

00:31:52.378 --> 00:31:55.008
Thanks for joining us on Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

00:31:55.008 --> 00:31:56.935
We look forward to seeing you next week.