Tina's Transformation: A Raw and Emotional Exploration of Overcoming Life's Struggles on the Road Less Traveled

Speaker 1: 0:09

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. I am Tina.

Speaker 2: 0:12

And I am Anne. Today you are listening to Part 2, with Tina sharing the emotional takeaways from her Hawaiian trip. Tina and Anne both get real in this next episode. This is Part 2.

Speaker 1: 0:24

Connection. I'm so glad you said that that's something that's so special, so important, something I felt along the trip in various ways with various people I encountered. I want to tell you a little bit of some of my first takeaways, if I can, and you know some I've written about and some I have yet to write about, but I can't wait for other moments to keep coming out of these. So a couple of things that I had written in my journal while I was there to describe the trail in the beach were stunning, hard, unforgiving, special, beautiful, magical, otherworldly, fear testing, confidence boosting, brutal, breathtaking, kind, calming, peaceful, bright, plentiful, self-sustaining, all welcoming, free, sensational sunset, spectacular night skies. And as I started to think about it, I realized something really big and important with those words I wrote. A lot of them are opposites Brutal, beautiful, you know, fear testing, confidence boosting. Or you could even say fear testing and calming. Those don't typically go together, right, right. But what the trail taught? me was differences can coexist and it's okay to feel two opposite things at the same time. Case in point my friend and I are complete opposites with our emotions and that was one of the things that was a hard adjustment for both of us. And I will say, when I got home, I went and visited my mom, who has early onset dementia at 62 years old. We are in the later stages of it. So we had spent the day with my mom and I was pulling out of her driveway two days after I had gotten home and all of a sudden I started sobbing. It hit me. I'm a visual learner that I already knew. But what hit me was the stark contrast in those words that I had just shared with you and the opposites of them. And I realized, because I'm such a visual learner, walking that hard trail, there were parts that were just unfair, brutal, horrible, painful. I wanted to quit. Sometimes that reminded me of what the journey of life is like. And then this will tear me up. But you walk that hard journey and you get to that beautiful beach and it is worth it. And that's when the parallel was that must be what heaven is like. You have to take this long, hard, brutal at times, awful, unfair, painful journey, but don't forget what the final destination will be in narrow narrow, right, right. I had this great vision so much like when I watched the movie the shack if anybody I've read the book and then I watched the movie and in the shack there is a scene of a garden and From the eye level of the main character, he's taken a machete and hacking away at this. He does not see the beauty from his level, but when the camera pans out and you get the view from above, it is this beautiful, intricate spiral Garden, and it is so beautiful when we can see it from a different point of view. And so I think that the trail has taught me, and the beach has taught me that it's a lot like life, but it will be worth it in the end. And that was something that was so beautiful that hit me as I was pulling out of the driveway from my parents house, and so I wanted to share that with you and I wanted to share that with our listeners that I don't even know if I've been able to put it all into words yet. You know, like when I left my parents house on that Thursday, that's when it flooded me and it like I pieced it together and I was like, oh my gosh, you have to go through the brutal to get to the beautiful. And and, yes, it just hit me in such a profound way that I just sobbed and, yeah, the peace, the love, the Pain, but the end is worth it. It's giving me such a good visual, such a good visual.

Speaker 2: 5:05

That's gosh. Everything has beauty and joy, and pain, and loss and hurt All wrapped up into one. I mean, that is lost. And I always say that if you Don't let in the pain and the hurt, you're going to miss out on the joy. And you know, yeah, you have to let it all in, no matter how bad it hurts. That's so, so true.

Speaker 1: 5:31

That is what call a loud taught me. That is exactly what it taught me, and it was a lesson that I needed to have, and I could only have it in such a way that I walked it myself and saw it With my own eyes. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2: 5:47

Yeah, I mean you know so good one of the. I Really feel that I started living After my mom passed away, and I've said that before. But one of the reasons was because I could finally let some walls down that I had up and I could finally start letting some things in, because I was trying so hard to keep all the pain out that finally I was able to just let them down and feel it all, and so I mean that that's one of the biggest ways that we can recover and let the peace in, because if you can't let the pain and you can't let the peace in and hopefully now you can let that peace in- yeah, it was like I'm always a big believer in feeling the pain to heal it, but I think I got to a point where I was only feeling the pain and not letting the joy in.

Speaker 1: 6:50

I almost feel like I was opposite and this helped me really see with my own eyes, through this experience, that both can exist and at the same time.

Speaker 2: 7:03

They really can and they do.

Speaker 1: 7:05

That's right.

Speaker 2: 7:06

Everything really that's right. I mean, I just watch my kids grow up and my son just turned seven that I feel like I just told yesterday and my arms and cradled him after he was born. And I'll tell you what I felt as much joy for him as I did, loss for myself as because I long for and I'm going to cry.

Speaker 1: 7:36

Oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 7:37

I long to keep them innocent and to keep them pure and to keep that newness of life in them, where things aren't tainted within them, and the pain and the loss and the disappointments I mean. The other day he had gotten a drone for his birthday and he just has been so good at it, I mean amazingly good With the control, so I wasn't really worried about it and he took it outside in our backyard and we've been very careful because we have neighbors, neighbors, neighbors. So I was like buddy, straight up, straight down, and for some reason it would not, he couldn't get control over it and it dropped behind your fence. He just looked at me and started sobbing because he knew that the chances of us getting it back were about zero and I was like, oh, I mean, I felt his pain so much and I wanted so badly for him not to hurt and I had. You know, you just have to let your kids experience life and hurts and pains and grow. It's all. It's all there, all the feels, all the feels.

Speaker 1: 9:07

All the feels. You are so right about that. You know you walk through that story so well and I could just I feel like I was there, feeling those feelings with you. I get it. We don't want our kids to have to feel those things, but you know what it equips them for the real world, and the real world is real and beautiful, the real world can really suck, and I only want them to experience the joy.

Speaker 2: 9:34

And that's not realistic because that's not the way that it is set up to be. But you have to let the pain into, experience the joy. And you know what's hard is that he's autistic, so he feels unlike what people say autistic people feel so deeply, so deeply, and they're so empathetic, more so than I think the average Joe. And you know he just takes in so much. He's just such a sensitive kid. And I said, buddy, I'm just going to get you a new one. It wasn't that expensive, it's fine, it really is. And it's true, he didn't get the drone back in, but you know, it is what it is. And he's getting a new one. It's coming on August 11th and he will be fine. And he's like but he's like you, he personifies everything. And he, he was like but that's my drone, and he names everything. He's like but I'm going to miss that drone. And I said you know what? But it's exactly the same. It has the same battery, the same everything, and we'll, you know, you'll love it just as much. So anyway, it just. It does make it hard, though.

Speaker 1: 10:51

Yeah, it sure does. There is no easy way to parent. I can tell you that in the world is not always on our side. It's hard. I've missed you so much. Thank you for loving me in just the sweetest ways. It means more than you will know.

Speaker 2: 11:07

You know, I, I you know, truly thank you. When we were talking before you hit the trail, I just I wanted to get on an airplane, I wanted to fly there and try to figure out. You know how I be beside you without not walking, without walking that trail, cause I wasn't going to do that after seeing those pictures, and but I really did. I wanted to come there and I wanted to hold you, just hug you, give you some comfort. But, like you said, it's God's timing, god's plan for you and what you needed at that time, and you were able to figure out what you needed.

Speaker 1: 12:02

You know that, I think, has been one of the most powerful things that I have learned. I also learned, you know. You said I don't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I could do it, but you know what? I am so much more physically and mentally tough, stronger than I thought. There was a point where I was so scared I was sobbing and the wind is pelting me, and my therapist had often talked to me about how my inner critic, or my anxiety, would end up being the hero of my story, and I didn't understand it until Kalalao. And now I do, because it was my anxiety and my fear that propelled me to keep moving forward. You know, what some would perceive in my own self, might say at times, was my greatest weakness, ended up being my greatest strength. And so I did this trail. I wanted to feel more than just pain and sadness. Of course I have happy moments in real life as well, daily life, don't get me wrong. But you know my mom's diagnosis and some other life. Things have been really, really hard, and I'll tell you what I felt. More than pain and hurt, I felt so brave and so loved that it brought me to tears every single time. I thought about it. Even when fellow campers and passersby would congratulate us on accomplishing this trail, it meant the world, and I teared up every single time. Friends sent me with gifts, with money, with cards, with food absolute treasures to me. And what I did find the most interesting was that I thought I'd be most overcome with emotion getting to the beach, but I actually felt it so much more on the way back, knowing that once I reached the end, I would get to come back home to my family. I missed my boys immensely and my love for them only grew stronger over the 11 days that I was away.

Speaker 2: 14:02

Oh, my goodness, how beautiful. It just sounds so beautiful. And you know you're right, Tina, I mean that is life. I mean there is nothing that I haven't gone through that has been hard. That is actually. There's some beauty in it, no matter how hard it is and I always do I always say that I mean and I know that you know some people might think I'm weird even if it's a death or a horrible loss or whatever, or you're going through something really horrible, like you are with your mom, or that I have with other people that I've lost there's always some kind of a joy or some kind of a beauty that you can take from it, some growth, some and the courage that you talked about. I mean, in life I've gone through such difficult times and the only reason that I am where I am in life is because you draw from courage and strength and things within you that you didn't know that you even had. And I understand what you're saying about. Yes, I don't know if I could do that physical trail, but there's been so many things in my life that I thought I could not do. But here I am, you know, and I am so proud of myself for those things and they move you to the next thing in life and prepare you for whatever lies ahead, and that's what's so amazing as well. Yeah, I know that there's. Is there more that you would like to share that you took away from your trip?

Speaker 1: 15:33

You know, those, I think, were the biggest things. It's funny, the peace I felt, the deep peace I felt along the whole journey, was something I feel like I was longing for. I actually really, truly honestly felt like that was an only God thing, and I have not been close with God for quite some time with my mom's diagnosis, stayed real close, if you will, through all of the other things life has thrown me, but my mom's diagnosis really really has wrecked me, and so the peace I felt, with the anxiety that I also felt just about the trail and the difficulty in the weather elements, it was like God was saying yeah, you can feel those two things, you don't have to berate yourself for feeling these two things, but rest in my peace, knowing that I have you, I'm going to hold you and you can rely on me, which I do think in part was my friend who went with me, because we are really opposite with our emotions and that's okay, we're different. I think that that is one of the reasons she was there with me, because it did force me to rely on something greater than a physical being, and I'm really grateful for that. I don't think I see my anxiety any longer as something that is so bad and what is wrong with me? At least not in this moment. I feel like, wow, look, it can coexist with peace, it can be calmed, and you know what? In some instances, life is scary and you should feel that way. You know what I mean, and so it was so nice to feel such a deep, absolute deep sense of comfort and just a piece that I couldn't explain and I'm really grateful for that. I felt so loved and cared about from, like I said, all the gifts, cards, encouragement, prayers, love, the letters, the money. You know that everybody pitched and it was like it was all for me. And one of the girls I met at my campsite the last night that we were there, she said to me we were just exchanging stories and along this topic got brought up and she said that's just a testament then to what kind of friend you are, that you had so many people who wanted to do this for you and cheer you on. She said that's amazing and now we're friends on Facebook. You know what I mean. It was just so fun.

Speaker 2: 18:02

You know and I always call those types of people divine appointments I mean, it was meant to be that you were to meet.

Speaker 1: 18:12

Absolutely. We were all there for a reason and you know it was interesting to me. There was a lot of nudity there. I had heard that sometimes you might see that a lot of the women were fully nude, and what I came to understand about I guess, just that whole thing was sometimes in life things are different than what we're used to. It's okay, we don't have to always make it an issue. Do you see what I'm saying?

Speaker 2: 18:41

Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1: 18:41

That's what kind of resonated with me. And there was one lady who was nude all the time, who was really, really nice, come to find out that her significant other had passed away suddenly four years ago, and so all of the local people who were there were there for her because it was the time that it's the time of year that he had passed away four years ago, and so they all came back to that spot to be there with her and for her and to show her support, and I so wish I would have known that sooner, to where I maybe could have found a way to open up the conversation with her, because our stories were so parallel. I'm there for pain as well, a respite from pain, and I felt that love and peace that I think she felt too, and I would have liked to connect on that level with her. I just didn't quite get the opportunity in time. But I thought it was neat that there was someone else there who was kind of in a similar situation as me, you know, coming to a place to find a different perspective and to feel the love, and it was just a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2: 19:50

I do believe we were all there for a reason and I'm just so in awe of you and that you did all of that. I think that you're teaching us all something and that you know just to push through, to get to that other side, no matter how big the fear is. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:11

I thank you. I really am proud of myself. I it's like I can't believe I did it, but then I also can. One of the greatest parts was coming home and seeing all of the letters and pictures and scrapbook that my family made for me while I was gone, and it was so stinking sweet that it'll be a treasured part of this journey too.

Speaker 2: 20:35

That's awesome and it makes you realize how much you're loved right.

Speaker 1: 20:40

I absolutely. That was something that just stuck with me the whole time is how loved I am. Oh my gosh, my eyes are wide open now and I really hope they stay that way for years and years and years to come.

Speaker 2: 20:55

I truly feel loved and I felt you Well if you ever question if you are, or if you ever hold on to somebody's comment or whatever to you that makes you question if you are, just remember this and maybe grab that scrapbook and just realize that everything is a moment in time and it doesn't, you know, encompass who you are as a person. So I mean, you're just an amazing, beautiful human being and I'm so grateful to know you.

Speaker 1: 21:32

And thank you. I feel the same about you. I thought about you so many times and wanted to call you and I wrote to you in my journal and really sharing just my heart and all of this with you in there. And I'm glad that I didn't get to give you my journal writing but I'm glad that I got to share it with you in this way.

Speaker 2: 21:51

Yeah, I actually even I can't believe that I did this, but I thought of you so much and I wanted to know the weather conditions and I wanted to know everything about what was going on where you were, to make sure that you were okay.

Speaker 1: 22:06

I love you. You are so sweet.

Speaker 2: 22:09

I went on the Earth Cam. They have a camera that's right about where you were on that island and so I would just go on it say, ok, the winds are low, it's not raining, it's OK. So she must be OK. You know I mean it was something that it just gave me a little bit of comfort to just spend a few moments there with you on the camera, so, but I'm so glad that, yeah, you know, I'm glad those cameras exist. If people don't know the Earth Cam exist, you should go on there because you can travel the entire world without even leaving your house. So it's actually a beautiful thing. It is so cool.

Speaker 1: 22:54

You are the best.

Speaker 2: 22:56

Well, you know people have asked me because my family and I, we like do things. We are some of the most busiest. Yes, you are, that I know. And people have said you know, oh gosh, my gosh, you just keep your kids so busy and you just have so much. You just jam packed their day. You guys have so much fun every single day. I take them all over the place. Anything fun, imaginative or playful were there. And you know I'll tell you my dad died when I was 11. And I learned young to live. I mean live, love much, live much, laugh much. You only have one day. What are you gonna do with it? I mean this is the day to do what is important to you, live with no regrets, tell the people who are important to you that they matter and walk away from the people who hurt you and don't care. Take care of the one in front of you. And you know I don't have a lot of money and I never will, and I don't have a lot of things for myself, but I can give and give and give what I do have and what I can. You know I remember when my dad died and I was an afterthought. I mean it was like the worst time in my life. It really was, and I was the one not heard in the room and I was the one that was the quiet one. It was about my mom and my sister was treated as a has been and she was given to the system at eight years old. The things that people knew me were for swimming and my dad and, like I said, being that quiet one, and I remember, after my dad died and my mom gave my sister to the system, that she took me on this six week trip around the country, literally like we hit, like every state, and she did it to run from her mistakes and all I wanted was for one person to really notice me and I fought for years to be noticed in all the wrong ways. So you know, I will never not pay attention to my kids and I want them to live as if each day is the most important day and they are the most important child in the world. So they deserve that. And you, tina, are living, you are conquering, you are becoming, and I am so proud of you.

Speaker 1: 25:45

Thank, you so much. I love that. My kids have seen me do this too. They've seen me want the dream. Then they've seen me set the goal. Then they've seen me train. They came with me to all of my training that I did in the gym and then they got to experience the trip through my eyes and see my photos, and it's been a really beautiful thing. I think that later down the road it will really touch them and they will remember this when they're older, maybe when they're a parent and say man, I remember when my mom did this and it was amazing for her. I want to do it for me too.

Speaker 2: 26:20

Oh well, you, you just exemplified so much strength to them and for them to get out there and conquer their fears. You know, I mean, just look at what you taught them.

Speaker 1: 26:31

Thank you, thank you. I mean it is really, it's a gift that this whole trip just special, is the resounding word really that I feel about it. There's been so much given to me and me maybe being able to give out at least to my family, and I'm so grateful Really.

Speaker 2: 26:50

I am, and you know you don't realize how much you miss people until they're not there. Yes what you miss and what you appreciate.

Speaker 1: 27:00

Yes, we have been really meshing so well. A little space sometimes does a lot of good. My oldest son was really excited for me the whole time and would send me the sweetest messages. Like I love you to the moon and back. Mommy, I can't wait to see you when you get home. Be safe, I love you. My middle son was the crier I just want mommy to be home and my littlest love, who just turned three. He would always pull the chair next to him in the morning, because we sit next to each other for breakfast and we share our tea and he would say where mommy go. And he was just everywhere. Where mommy go, you know it's like well, when the heck is she coming back? But it was really sweet to be missed. It is so sweet to be loved and there really isn't much greater of a gift. I would just say, if I had to kind of sum up some other things or just the things about my trip and these are not quotes from me, but I read two that really resounded for me and it says enjoy this moment, even if it's not perfect. Tomorrow isn't promised. Live with the grateful heart. Spend time with those who matter most. Take care of your amazing body that has done so much for you. Enjoy the beauty of this earth. Stay kind even when you have every reason not to. That was the first one that really spoke to my heart, and one of the other ones is about more of the emotional side. The pain you had turns into peace as you accept that everything had to happen exactly as it did for you to be exactly who you are now. You hold no blame, bitterness or resentment toward the experienced person or yourself. Instead, you see it as the catalyst that led to your change in development. Very storm that shook so much in you also worked to clear your path.

Speaker 2: 29:00

That's just so beautiful. Do you know who said that?

Speaker 1: 29:03

The last one was Morgan Richard Oliver.

Speaker 2: 29:07

Well, it obviously has changed you. There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 1: 29:13

I still feel the peace and if you know me and you know my personality, I can be a little high strung and I feel you Well you know what, if I would have wished anything for you before this trip, it would have been to find peace.

Speaker 2: 29:32

So that's awesome. I did.

Speaker 1: 29:37

I'm riding it out as long as it lasts, because you never know. You never know when something tries to sink your ship.

Speaker 2: 29:46

Yeah, but you know, once you experience something, you can get back here and there might be some turbulent times, but you know you'll always find your way back. I really believe that.

Speaker 1: 30:00

I think you're right. I absolutely think you're right, and I think that I gained so much more than I ever could have imagined. You know, nature nurtures me, and being out there for so many days at a time it was just, it was my happy place. A lot of wind and a lot of sand, a little too much at times. Oh, my goodness, it really, it really nurtured me. You know just, I can't even exactly put it into words. It's kind of like a quote from where the crawdads sing. I don't know if you've read the book or if you have seen the movie.

Speaker 2: 30:42

I've heard about it, yeah.

Speaker 1: 30:45

It's a pretty intense movie. I watched the movie. I didn't feel or read the book, but it said that sometimes the hard night sounds. She didn't know or jumped from lightning too close, but whenever she stumbled it was the land who caught her. Until it lasted some unclaimed moment, the heart pain seeped away like water into sand. Still there, but deep, kaya lay her head upon the breathing wet earth and the marsh became her mother. I just I get what she was saying in that movie. I wrote that quote down from when I watched that movie because I really did understand what she was saying and I think that's what just mother nature does to me and being out in nature it, just it nurtures me in some way and can invite that peace and calming and I do think that's in part because we are wired to be out in nature and it is supposed to do that. It's just. It's such a deep level and I will be forever grateful for this trip and we'll remember it forever.

Speaker 2: 31:53

I think that's where we often meet God.

Speaker 1: 31:56

Yeah, yeah, I would agree with you, I absolutely would. I definitely felt close to him and felt him near, especially with that deep peace, and I really needed, wanted, hoped for that. For whatever reason, I wasn't able to find it here until I had left, but it also hasn't left me yet. So I'm grateful that I was able to experience that and feel that, because it's been missing for quite some time.

Speaker 2: 32:24

Well, by the way, tina, I am so glad that you're back. Thank, you and I love you so much.

Speaker 1: 32:32

I love you and there is no place like home. I'm so happy to be back. It was so wonderful and special, but there's no place like home. Dorothy, did I just switch my, did I just change? I might have morphed.

Speaker 2: 32:49

I don't know. I just thought maybe I was in the Wizard of Oz for a second.

Speaker 1: 32:53

I know, but it's true, really true words.

Speaker 2: 32:57

All right, well, friends, thank you for listening, thank you, tina, for sharing and we will see you next time.