The Simple Comment that Changes a Child's Life: The Denise Bard Story of Advocacy and Hope

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk. This is Ann. This is part four of Denise Bard's interview and I want to thank you all for listening because this is episode 40, episode 40 of Real Talk and it has just been a joy so far and we are just getting started. We're going to have to have Denise on more. We have really connected and we have so much more to talk about. So this is not the end with Denise, but this episode is so encouraging as she shares how her childhood made her a better parent and how she helps educate teachers. Today. I state that I don't want my children to know what it's like to not belong, and I tell a story that I've actually never told before. In the 40 episodes that we've had, the pair also have something else in common. Listen to this episode and find out what it is. I'm going to end with this. Denise shares how little effort it really takes to make a child feel special. She points out how everything we say to a child even a simple miss you can make them feel special. Let's reach kids as individuals instead of as a group or as a class. Thank you all for listening and remember Anchor House in New Jersey if you would like to donate. This is episode 40. Here is the last part of Denise Bard's story.

Speaker 2: 1:24

Yeah, I am not my mother's story. I am not the drug baby that I was. I'm not the neglected, abused child that I was. I mean that's part of my story. So I mean, don't get me wrong, that's part of the story, but that's not who I've become.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Now, also, one of the things that I know that you do is you teach teachers or try to help educate them and how to help children in need. So if you were talking to a child, or if you were talking to a teacher looking at you as that child, what would you tell them that you need?

Speaker 2: 2:03

Oh, there are so many things. If I tell you today it's. I just had a conversation I'm literally like a couple hours ago with a friend of mine who is now a teacher, and I can say this. She said I feel like we don't have enough time, like we want to spend more time, and what I said to her is you don't need that much time. All I need is for you to acknowledge me. All I need is for you to just find something positive to say about me how was your day? I mean, literally, it could be so innocent that you don't even realize what you say. Just understand that everything you say is going to affect me in some way, everything, whether I take something negative or positive. Obviously I would like the positive, but the point is, as simple as it may be, is hey, this is my Denise. Hey, how is your day? Hey, I miss you. These little things made a difference because it was recognizing me as an individual and not as a class.

Speaker 1: 3:16

Right. One of the this was when I was older and I was in college and I was making the absolute stupidest decisions I could have been making at that time. But I had a teacher who really gave a crap about me and she took me to lunch and she knew that I was making a lot of bad choices. She asked me some questions and I confirmed what she was thinking and she got so mad at me that she actually walked out and she left me to restaurant.

Speaker 2: 3:54

Ow, that's hurt.

Speaker 1: 3:56

Because she was like you know what, I expect more out of you. And she got up and she left and I will never forget that and I'll tell you what whenever I have, because I used to smoke, pot and drink and things like that a lot in my 20s and made some really, really stupid choices where it's surprising that I'm alive. But I have gone back to her doing that at different times of my life and I would be like think to myself you know what? She'd be getting up and she'd be walking out and she'd be telling that I want better from you.

Speaker 2: 4:40

Yeah, it's that you know. Yeah, I mean that hurts in the moment, as you said, that I'm thinking, oh my God, please don't do that to me. But maybe that's the. You know, as a parent like my daughter doesn't want us to ever be disappointed in her. That's what she always says. I just don't want you to. And I think that's the parental thing that that lady did for you.

Speaker 1: 5:04

It was. I care about you this much. I am so disappointed, and you right at this moment I'm just going to leave and I was just Did you get in contact with her ever again?

Speaker 2: 5:15

Was that the last time?

Speaker 1: 5:17

No, I mean, she has been in and out of my life as a support and you know, just talking and like every now and then we get together and I catch her up on some things and so she knows that I have my grandkids and I've adopted them and you know, and I think now that she would be really proud of me. I'm pretty sure that she is. But it's just kind of funny how you really care about how somebody thinks about you so much so that you know they walk out of that room. It makes you think about the decisions that you're making and that you want to make them proud. That's what I wanted to do.

Speaker 2: 6:00

Yes, yes, that's exactly that. I was in so much trouble when I was so in elementary school. I was, you know, always a good kid. You know I was on the safety patrol. I did you know all the right things. And I had a neighbor, like I said, my babysitter in her home. It was she, you know, with her daughter. She was really like that good mom. You have that. You know understanding what that is, and I wanted that. But I remember one time I did something. I went to my other neighbor's house and just left her house and she got so mad at me and yelled at me and I remember being so upset. But I went to her without having anybody tell me and I went to her and I apologized. And you know as an adult, you know we're whatever, but I remember, you know, once I got to middle schools, when I went back with my mom and I was fighting, I was drinking, I was in trouble, and I was in trouble because I didn't want to go home. So if I got in trouble at school I'd have detention and be less time at home, you know.

Speaker 1: 7:10

There were so many things.

Speaker 2: 7:12

But it was upsetting because the thing was when I got to my A3 and I had that teacher although I did get in trouble a lot, I never got in trouble by her and there was almost I always wanted her to be proud. But there was also a point where I wanted to test it like you did, where she still came back to you and I always you know, I was always, you're always testing that, oh, they're nice when I'm nice, but what will they do? Will they leave me when I do something bad? Because, and almost like, yeah, I mean, that's so crazy. Oh, exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 7:52

Because so many people have left us and you know there's always strings attached, or you know, and, but this was a different kind of leaving me. When my teacher did this, this was. It was that parental thing.

Speaker 2: 8:07

You knew that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 8:09

It was a difference.

Speaker 2: 8:11

Yeah, it's um, you know, it goes back to something I said to someone once. I said uh, I sometimes think that even if, um, well, I would hope that it would have been different, but, like, as I got older, I still wanted that mom, especially in high school. Um, it was almost, if I almost got scared to sabotage that, because, while I wanted it so much, I would have been afraid of it because I didn't know how to survive in a normal environment. So, you know, there was this. You know, you, you teeter on this line of wanting people to be proud of you and never getting mad at you than to whoo. You know, no, you're getting too, not that they're getting close, but oh, I'm too scared.

Speaker 1: 8:54

Let me I used to always have like this vision of me in my head, with you know going in for a hug, but my arm stretched out at the same time. Yeah, yeah, you know you're going to stay at a distance. Uh-huh, yeah, there was both of that was definitely going on, for sure.

Speaker 2: 9:14

I wish, as I got older, I had the hug. I you know, I loved Michelle's hugs and I think that I craved them forever, but I've never had them again, and I think that was one thing that you know. If I could tell a teacher is just that moment. The problem is obviously with today's. You know how? today, yeah, you can't touch students, which is sad because yeah, but it's sad because you know, I think of me and I think you know what. That was the only place I got that Like I never. There was no other place. I was getting something like that.

Speaker 1: 9:46

Right.

Speaker 2: 9:46

But yeah, yeah, arms distance yeah.

Speaker 1: 9:50

Well, you know, you and I have something else in common we both have autistic kids. I mean, that was really. I mean, I can't believe all the similarities, but you're raising a son with autism and I have three kids with autism and I also have autism. So one of the things that I was thinking is you know, I always said that I would never be the parent that I was, you know, ever that I had. I don't, I never want to be that mom or moms that I had, and so how did your childhood help you be a better parent with an autistic kid child? And also, you know, you have a daughter and just all the dynamics and everything. I mean, how did your childhood make you a better parent?

Speaker 2: 10:42

Well, I was terrified to be a parent and, you know, rightfully so. I think a lot of us think, you know, would we know how to be? Because we didn't have that. But it goes back to two things. One I thought and I didn't get this until recently, because a lot of people say, give them what you always wanted, and I would get mad and I'm like I don't know what I mean, I don't know how to give that because I never got that Right. But I really actually did because, as a parent, I wanted my kids to be in a safe environment. I also think my husband helps me with this. You know he does not come from the same background that that I came from. As you know, we got married in 2001 and he was an Air Force and we went out to Nebraska. So I was pulled away from, you know, the the environment in which the cycles were, and I think that helped me out a lot. But I do think that knowing what I didn't want my kids to be around to witness because of my childhood, but it goes back to again. I'll go back to the people that gave me those moments because they were teaching me a long way to be the parent, or to be, at least learn how to be, the parent. I knew that I wanted to be able to make my daughter and my son feel wanted. I never wanted them to question what I wanted. And I was able to do that because that teacher gave that to me. I was able to. You know I'm not the best hugger, but I know my kids know how much I love them.

Speaker 1: 12:26

I say I always. I do not want my children to know what it feels like to not belong.

Speaker 2: 12:34

Yes, yes, yes, that's exactly that. That's exactly that. And so there's challenges with having a child who is not on the spectrum, although my daughter has, like anxieties, adhd, which if you medically look at it, there's a lot of things that they think because I was exposed to and have that, you know she unfortunately has. We have a lot of genetic disorders, but it's a challenge between her and my son. They're about 22 months apart and so parenting was difficult. It was as they were growing up, because the expectations were different, which you know you have to have when you have a child with autism, not to say that you can't have a good expectations for them, but you have to understand that sometimes they don't meet the same expectations as your child who doesn't have a disability. But I think that, having had all of those moments with the teachers and thinking back of you know, if I had them as a parent, how would my life be? Because this is another thing, like when I say I still think about that. I don't think about that in the 14 year old me, I don't think about that in the 10 year old, eight year old me. I think about that as the 48 year old who has a supportive, you know, had a supportive family. And how I would be today had I had that family and that sounds crazy as it is is what helps me to be the parent that I am Gathering the things that I had gotten from them. And with my son with autism at Stink, well, I mean, it's a challenge. I think that you know there, really, I know that sounds so cliche, there's no book on it, but I think I had to have patience and I had to be. Those little milestones were even more exciting, you know. So it was. It's I call parenting in the middle. So I talk about this too. It's parenting in the middle Cause my son, it has autism. He's not on the lower side of the spectrum, but he is not on the higher side of the spectrum as you would say Asperger's or anything. He is just right there in the middle. So it's having a child with developmentally at about, you know, 10 to 12, some things are younger, maybe a thing here and there older, but it's a continuation for me parenting, if that makes sense. So you know you have empty nesters, like my daughter, you know she goes on and she, you know, but my son will always be here and he's going to be the same. He's going to need the same exact parenting that I am doing consistently.

Speaker 1: 15:32

Yeah, yeah, I have, my 10 year old is like a three year old developmentally, you know. He just and he's not ever going to be able to live on his own, and that's just a fact. Yeah, so you know, I mean it's okay because he brings so much more to the table and to our family. And he's just such an amazing kid but he just needs a lot of help. Yes, so yeah, but I still, I mean you. What it did for me was I had a sister who was given back into the system after my dad died. My mom handled it horribly and gave her to the system, but she used to beat her to a pulp and I can remember, you know, because she had asthma attacks and she would go in and she would just beat her and I would go in after my mom had left the room and I would go in to make sure she was still alive, which is insane to even say that out loud. But one of the things was, you know, I mean her, one of her weaknesses in her life, I guess, would have been her asthma. So and she was beat for having it. And so I just it, just it furiates me when I even see kids bully my son or you know, they hurt him purposefully because he's different.

Speaker 2: 17:06

Yes.

Speaker 1: 17:07

And it's just. I just have no tolerance for it and it just makes me so sad. It hurts to the core of who I am.

Speaker 2: 17:16

Yes, yeah, and I have that as well. And this is where this is kind of and I'm at that age where, with him, this as my kids are older now like this, is where I also wish that I had that mom to go to just be like, oh my gosh, you know it's different stages and with my son this is like you. This will always be what it is and we are proud of him for coming as far as he has. He will be with us, you know, for the rest of our lives. It scares us to think where is he gonna go after that, but there's still days that you are overwhelmed with that. That again, I just wish I had somebody to call and be like you know, just listen to me. It doesn't mean you have the answers, because this isn't something. This is a continuation of the hurt. You know. You see your child hurting and we이지 that, you know. For you know Well, I say this wrong. He doesn't notice a lot of these things.

Speaker 1: 18:23

It either does my son, he doesn't either.

Speaker 2: 18:26

But I notice it and it's where it's like oh my gosh, yeah, I am. Yeah, it's just tough, it's tough and I don't know if I yeah.

Speaker 1: 18:42

It's made me a better parent and it's made me want to be more in tune with my kids and help them and not ignore their needs.

Speaker 2: 18:54

Yeah, it does. And you know what? There's almost a patience with it too that I never had before. And with that comes that you're able to not go crazy Like so I was always busy, always on the go, always on the go, and it forces you not to be, it forces you to go with this, whatever flow it's going to be. And I mean I love we have grand plans, my son and I we are going to. I don't know if this will ever happen, but we're going to run the lottery so we can get a camper so that we can go and explore the different things that he loves, and so it's almost like I get to relive different things with him. Because of who he is, I'm never going to miss out on all these spectacular things of learning. I'm glad I'm not the parent of younger children anymore. I don't think I could handle that anymore. But I mean, with developmentally being young, it's still you get that good sense of it, that good little. I love when he learns something new he's 18. And when he tries a new food and he's like I really like that. Panda Express Orange chicken is our new thing. And I'm like, yes, I still get excited about those moments.

Speaker 1: 20:15

Yeah, yeah, the newness of everything. Again, yeah and again.

Speaker 2: 20:19

Yeah, it is, it is, it makes it is and it makes me just appreciate everything even more.

Speaker 1: 20:28

Well, we should probably be wrapping it up here soon, but before we go, I just want you to explain how people can give to Anchor House or help other organizations like them and maybe change another child's life.

Speaker 2: 20:46

Absolutely Well. Again, if you go to our website, which is anchorhousenjorg, you can find there's the donate button. We always are welcome to donations. That's how we operate. If you're in the local area of the Tri-State Area with New Jersey, Trenton, Philadelphia and you would like to volunteer, they always can use some volunteers in kind donations. There are so many little things that you can do to help support these kids and you can find all that information on our website, which, again, is anchorhousenjorg.

Speaker 1: 21:28

Well, thank you, denise, so much for being with us, and these have been. This has just been great, this was fantastic. Well, thank you for listening to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. See you next time.