The Power of Being Right Where You are Part 2

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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

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This is part two of the power of being right where you are.

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Sometimes there is a fear of moving forward, a fear of others, a fear of success, a fear of ourselves.

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There are many reasons why we stay where we are.

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Moving forward is so important, and we encourage you to embrace even the valleys.

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Don't deny yourself the lessons that we encounter along the way.

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Experience all the things, no matter how hard.

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Don't skip right to the end, and we'll talk more about that.

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Detours are so easy to take, but I encourage you, like we always say, to feel all of it, because there is purpose in the pain and there is hope in the journey, no matter how hard.

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Also, how many times do we stay in relationships when it is time to leave?

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Know when to bow out by being present and in the moment.

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Pay attention to how you feel around someone.

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If you are not heard or validated or appreciated, leave.

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You don't have to be with that person.

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Help yourself to stop that spiral that we talk about.

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Find ways that help you be more you.

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Anne talks about living in the fantasy and how that actually kept her from being more in reality and that kept her from leaving abusive relationships when she should have.

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We have some great Anne Frank quotes about how she actually lived in a world of isolation.

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In those walls, she found her way out through creativity and writing, and you too can find your way out.

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This is part two.

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You know I'd love to ask you a question, ann.

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I'm putting you on the spot and I know it.

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You know I love everything that you said, truly, truly agree.

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What do you do?

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What is your advice?

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We have had people ask well, what is your advice on if you feel that yucky way around someone, but they're, you know, out to get you Say they're an adult bully.

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How do you handle that where you can't get away from them but you are so uncomfortable around them?

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I have had these situations happen to me and, in order for people not to yuck my yum, I just ignore them and I enjoy in the moment and I don't allow them in my bubble, no matter how much they try.

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That's a great point.

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I don't think people like to be ignored, so that seems a great way to diffuse a situation.

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You know what I have found with the people who are either narcissistic or people who purposefully love to hurt you or push your buttons even when you haven't done anything?

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You know, the more that you act like it bothers you, the more it fuels them.

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Right, right, and so you're right.

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They feel like they've won, and it's kind of interesting how, when they realize that it takes two to play this game and you're not playing they instantly don't have a reason to do it anymore.

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So yeah, that's good advice.

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That's good advice.

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We love the questions that we get on occasion not all the time, but you know it's nice to be asked the question.

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And that doesn't mean I'm right, but that's what I do.

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But I like it, I think it's, I think it is solid advice.

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Yeah, you know, lots of times and that's a negative situation.

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And I know, for me one of my things is perseverating on things that are so negative all the time.

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And you know, time is so precious and I wish so much that I didn't allow the negative in.

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I didn't allow those negative people in their thoughts, their feelings, their definitions.

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I didn't allow my own thoughts to control me so much so.

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And then the other day I was driving down the street and I'm like Ann, what are you doing?

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All you're doing this entire drive is thinking about something really negative.

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You're wasting your time, you're taking all your joy away.

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All of a sudden, I'm in a bad mood and I'm just like, why are you doing this to yourself?

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So I mean, time is too precious for that.

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You are right.

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It is hard, though, and this is what I would call to stop the spiral.

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It is so hard to stop the spiral and I have not figured it out.

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In fact, I had a recent doctor appointment where we were talking about that very thing, and you know again the advice.

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It's not a one size fits all.

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My doctor said I wish that I could just give you this pamphlet.

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Here you go.

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He said I'd give it to everyone who walked in the door.

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This is all you got to do, and it's not as simple, as we'll take the stress away, you know.

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He even said if you tell me that I have to become less stressed, I said I'm going to knock you out right now and he started laughing.

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He said well, I know.

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You know life just has stress in general and it's hard to do.

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But you know, he said find what really works for you, listen to your body.

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So for me, I know that sometimes, when I'm feeling those moments of almost like all the fluttering, like the rapid heartbeat, and you feel like you just got to get away or something, it's just too overwhelming.

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Whatever the situation is, physical activity is something that really helps and on occasion I think we've mentioned this a time or two before, but certain frequencies of music have healing properties in them.

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So I believe it's 528 megahertz and I'll sometimes put that on.

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Yeah, it is really neat.

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It's really neat, you can look it up.

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You can look up the healing frequency.

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What is the healing frequency of music or tones?

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And I believe it's 528 mega, um, and it just, it just does something in your brain where it just kind of calms everything down and also maybe like a guided meditation that grounds you again, you know.

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So maybe it's telling you to um, you know, feel your fingertips.

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You know each one to your thumb, push each one, and it focuses you on the actual present moment.

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So, you know, for some people maybe physical activity would make that worse.

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Then, you know, you have to find maybe it's painting, maybe it's a nap, maybe it's dancing, you know, maybe it's sewing, I don't know what it might be.

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But I would just encourage anyone listening who you know, encourage anyone listening who you know in, myself included.

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I have to try a lot harder to stop the spiral, because that is for me, and in my opinion, the hardest thing to get out of.

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By no stretch have I even come close to mastering that.

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You know well, you have to give yourself permission to do that and you need time.

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You know, with so many kids and such a crazy schedule and you know just real life stuff not complaining, just real life stuff it is hard to make time to deal with some of the emotions and things that need dealt with.

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You know there's not always that optimal time to do it.

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No, no, there really isn't.

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Last night I needed me time, and normally I try to keep the same schedule as the kids to a certain degree, because I still have one that needs me to be close, so, but I stayed downstairs till midnight and I worked on things and I worked on things and I did me and I was just like it felt so good.

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It felt so good.

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Yes, I've been sticking up too late watching watching prison break.

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Yeah, I was just going to say watching prison break, yes, but I love it.

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It makes.

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Sometimes you just need something that takes you out of your head, and so for me, I guess that would be one thing also that helps break the spiral.

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If I'm really interested in something that I'm watching, that helps me just stop.

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Sometimes you just have to cut the cord, and I don't mean the TV cord, I just mean the thought cord.

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That's why I watch Beverly Hills, housewives and things like that.

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And the reality is I come back around and I'm like my life isn't too bad.

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So, yeah, what I do, but I do.

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And for you, did you ever daydream as a child?

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Such a good question.

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I really have to think about that.

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I sure do now.

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Oh, okay, I really will catch myself.

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Is it considered a daydream?

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If you are, on occasion my husband and I will both say, for example, pretend we won the lottery, what do you do with the money?

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And we just dream about it.

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I don't know if that's a daydream, but it's fun to think out loud about what you would do.

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We don't even play the lottery, so there's not even a chance that any of these dreams are becoming true.

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But I often there's always a lot going on in my head and I do find myself daydreaming Usually.

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You know, one time my therapist had me do I don't.

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It wasn't maybe a daydream.

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I don't even know what the type of thing it was called for.

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You know it wasn't like EMDR or anything like that, but it was a type of therapy like that where she had me close my eyes and she had me kind of walk through some of the hard times of middle school and how I felt.

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And I remember saying I felt alone and then she said what would have made it better?

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Insert in my mind what would have made that situation better.

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And I did really really well with.

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I can't think again what the name of that therapy is, but I did really well with that.

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It was really good to kind of think like that, because I guess I do think and I am such a visual person, but I don't know.

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Sometimes I just daydream about what it would be like to live on a beat.

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You know what it would be like, for I do think about this a lot.

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You know what would it be like for my mom to be healthy and be able to enjoy especially our youngest son?

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I feel like he would just be her favorite.

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You know, she would just be cracking up at him every single day.

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So I think about things like that.

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I'm usually daydreaming about how I wish I could transform our house Like I wish.

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I don't.

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I love HGTV, but I don't have any of that knowledge.

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I like to dream about what it would be like to live at the beach.

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You know what it would be like to have my mom be healthy and you know, with her mind being healthy, what about you?

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Do you daydream?

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Well, I do daydream and a lot of the things actually, that you said was a different house.

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What if it was what you?

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You know, what ifs kind of things.

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And this is kind of funny.

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What if I?

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Well, you know, because when you go through life and you think about forks in the road and what if I would have chose this way?

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What if I would have?

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Yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm so grateful.

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That kind of ties in I I mean, yeah, I'm so grateful that kind of ties in I didn't mean to interrupt, friend, I'm so sorry.

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No, go ahead, go ahead.

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That ties into what you had talked about earlier is, or what we were talking about.

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You know, living in the past or you know thinking about the future, I have found myself thinking how grateful I am that I took the road that I did that at the time I thought was so hard and so unfair.

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And boy, can I look back now and say I am so glad that relationship didn't work out.

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Or how did I not see that?

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Thank you for just you know leading me down this path and I chose a different direction.

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You know, gosh, could I imagine what it would be like if I chose this direction?

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You know the person I thought maybe I would marry one day.

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I didn't.

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And you know, I know that he has all girls and it's like how crazy would that be.

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My life would be so different.

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Like, all I know are boys, sure, sure, sure.

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So little things like that, yeah Well, I wouldn't have my kids today if I didn't, if all these paths wouldn't have led right here.

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So, you know, I'm really grateful Now.

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As a kid, though, I daydreamed and I had this whole imaginary world and it was what got me through.

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I really do believe that I had an imaginary family when I was in school.

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I was me, of course, but I mean, in my head I was somebody else and it was my way of, you know, staying safe and being able to, you know, handle all the chaos around me.

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But as I got older, it was a disservice, because I continued to kind of do that, but I didn't face reality.

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So, you know, and when I created this fantasy, it allowed me to stay in abusive relationships longer than I probably should have, because I lived in the fantasy.

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So it kept me from moving forward and dealing in the very moment that I was in, and addressing where I was, in order to move.

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And I think we all have things that keep us in a bad place or with a bad person, even though everything in us is trying to tell us to move.

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That's such a good point.

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I don't know that I fantasized in that way, but one of the things I most wanted as a young girl.

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I remember feeling alone.

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You know, we moved to a complete different place with two weeks left of my fourth grade year and that was a hard transition time.

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But I understand the thought process of my parents.

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It was so that maybe I could make some new friends heading into summer before I started at a completely new school, not knowing anybody.

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So that part was hard.

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But even way before that, the thing I wanted most was a dad.

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The thing I wanted most was a dad.

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And I hit the jackpot when my mom remarried.

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And the dad who raised me has always felt like my dad and I'm not, you know, I love my biological father as well, but the person instrumental in my life who raised me to be who I am today and I got to say I'm pretty proud of who I am today.

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You know there are people who've had better or worse.

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I get that, but I feel like I've handled a lot of things so great in me.

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You know, my mom and dad taught me so many great things Not perfect, of course, like.

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I'm not either.

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Things Not perfect, of course, like I'm not either but that was the one thing I wanted, so much so that when my mom started to date my dad, I was five years old and I remember I don't know how long that they dated, but I remember, around six years old, I asked will you be my daddy?

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We were just in the car and he didn't know what to say.

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It caught him off guard so much and of course he ended up saying yes, we went through a formal adoption process and the rest is history.

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But what a beautiful story it is.

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It's such a, it's such a great story.

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So I really did luck out and that, but that was the one thing I remember.

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I just wanted a dad.

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You know, there's something about a father-daughter relationship, you know.

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Yeah, yeah, I know.

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I mean, you get it.

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I, yeah, I know, I mean, I know you get it.

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I yeah, I know, I mean walking you down the aisle and all that stuff.

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I mean my brother was going to walk me down the aisle, my biological brother and then my mom biological mom intervened and then nobody showed up.

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So, gee, I had to ask my adopted mom to walk me down last minute.

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Um, I know, I those kind of things that you just are really important, that you know it's a snapshot in time, it's a memory that you want that it's supposed to be a normal memory for um, for all people who are walking down the aisle.

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So, but it's funny.

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But my daughter I adopted my older two and my younger, one of the two.

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She was three and we went on a Christmas day we had been seeing them for about a month went to their house.

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It was Christmas, they experienced Christmas at their foster home that they had been at for two years, okay, and she was only three, so, and then we brought them back to our house for good, and one day she was just playing and she comes running over to me and she said you took me without saying please.

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And I said honey, will you please live with us and she said sure, and then she just went off and continued playing.

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But you know, you don't realize how those things really affect somebody.

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And then it was just all she wanted was a place.

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So it was really cute.

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Oh sweet, that is so so sweet.

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But I want to switch gears real fast.

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Can we switch gears real quick?

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Because I just I had the beautiful privilege of seeing Anne Frank's diary in person and it was like being on sacred ground.

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It truly was.

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It was in a glass case, I mean, it was so.

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It was right in front of me and it was so protected from anyone hurting it, and I could see her writing and read her words.

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And you know, she was a girl who was stuck in walls and wasn't able to get out and she created this dream world, kind of what we're talking about, and wrote in order to survive and she did whatever it took and even in her walls she found a way to survive and she found a way to move forward, even when she was not physically allowed to.

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So a couple quotes from her in her pain, she wrote I do my best to please everybody, far more than they'd ever guess.

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I tried to laugh it all off because I don't want to let them see my trouble to laugh it all off, because I don't want to let them see my trouble.

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I think, that's what you were talking about in the very beginning of this episode.

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And yes, we do have.

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We feel like we have to do that because you don't want the other person to see they've won, or it's not the right time and place.

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You know it's hard when the right time is to feel all those feels.

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You know, I think that there are reasons for those you know for doing that.

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And I mean, I don't want my kids to see my pain a lot of times and I simply don't want to admit it to myself sometimes or deal with it.

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And I can picture Anne Frank being in those walls, daydreaming in her world of isolation and writing.

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And I can relate with this quote so much I can shake off everything.

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If I write, my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.

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That's really powerful.

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It's almost like I don't know what form of you know.

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Maybe therapy it is, but maybe it's just writing, therapy, journaling, sometimes, getting it out and just out of your head onto paper.

00:20:35.705 --> 00:20:40.433
It just, it cleanses you and then you can move on.

00:20:40.433 --> 00:20:43.607
You can burn the paper, you can keep the paper, but it's there.

00:20:44.780 --> 00:20:51.253
You know writing, creating my photography, my drawing, writing a book.

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You know, it's always been my way of getting through some of the hardest times of my life, and I can encourage everyone to find something that will help you get through too, Because you need an outlet.

00:21:04.767 --> 00:21:06.307
You have to have an outlet.

00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:14.906
Yes, I 100% agree, and just know that maybe it'll change as you change and grow and go throughout life.

00:21:14.906 --> 00:21:16.352
So don't give up.

00:21:16.352 --> 00:21:22.911
Keep finding what works for you in the season that you're in, and it might even be that it's different in different situations too.

00:21:23.571 --> 00:21:23.813
Right.

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We can't rush past the pain.

00:21:25.342 --> 00:21:33.734
We have to feel it, learn from it, and sometimes it's the hurt that teaches us the most valuable lessons about ourselves in the world.

00:21:33.734 --> 00:21:35.346
And I know you love quotes.

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I don't know if you have anything for us today, tina, but you know your quotes oftentimes help move us forward.

00:21:43.047 --> 00:21:44.704
So I didn't know if you.

00:21:44.819 --> 00:21:52.483
Well, I do have one and I'm sorry my screen might be really messing with you at this point and I don't mean to do that, but it's it's.

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I was having some computer issues today.

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I'm going to leave you with I think I'm going to leave you with this quote Be kind words, don't rewind you, you can't unsay something right and some of the most painful things are the words.

00:22:16.557 --> 00:22:28.867
Other and I know that this is kind of cliche how the scars and the wounds are physical wounds or whatever they can heal, but the, the wounds that are inside oftentimes are the ones that remain.

00:22:28.867 --> 00:22:34.355
And words are the worst way that you can hurt somebody.

00:22:35.740 --> 00:22:37.066
Absolutely true.

00:22:37.066 --> 00:22:41.189
You can't unsee and you can't unhear and you can't take back.

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You know what you say.

00:22:42.593 --> 00:22:49.267
You can apologize for it, but I think it's important we pick our words, so be kind Words, don't rewind.

00:22:52.059 --> 00:22:52.863
Yeah, and I'm going to change that to.

00:22:52.863 --> 00:22:56.760
That's one of the worst ways that you can hurt somebody, because there are many ways that you can hurt somebody.

00:22:56.760 --> 00:23:00.028
That's true, yes, I do know that.

00:23:00.028 --> 00:23:04.902
So, anyway, we want you all to know that it's okay not to be okay.

00:23:04.902 --> 00:23:14.576
We all wear masks and I've spent way too many years faking it Fear of moving forward, fear of others, fear of success, fear of ourselves.

00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:17.087
There are many reasons why we stay where we are.

00:23:17.087 --> 00:23:22.011
Moving forward is so important and we encourage you to embrace even the valleys.

00:23:22.011 --> 00:23:25.569
Don't deny yourself the lessons that we encounter along the way.

00:23:25.569 --> 00:23:28.709
Experience all the things, no matter how hard.

00:23:28.709 --> 00:23:30.165
Don't skip to the way.

00:23:30.165 --> 00:23:31.112
Experience all the things, no matter how hard.

00:23:31.112 --> 00:23:31.555
Don't skip to the end.

00:23:31.555 --> 00:23:41.247
Detours are so easy to take, but I encourage you, like we always say, to feel all of it, because there is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey, no matter how hard.

00:23:42.971 --> 00:23:47.303
Also, how many times do we stay in relationships when it is time to leave?

00:23:47.303 --> 00:23:51.113
Know when to bow out by being present and in the moment.

00:23:51.113 --> 00:23:53.428
Pay attention to how you feel around someone.

00:23:53.428 --> 00:23:57.830
If you are not heard or validated or appreciated, leave.

00:23:57.830 --> 00:24:00.067
You don't have to be with that person.

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Help yourself to stop that spiral that we talked about.

00:24:03.269 --> 00:24:05.185
Find something to help you out.

00:24:05.185 --> 00:24:07.986
I do something that I call thought stopping.

00:24:07.986 --> 00:24:31.140
I draw, I write no-transcript.

00:24:31.140 --> 00:24:35.471
She found her way out of her own isolation by writing and imagining.

00:24:35.471 --> 00:24:37.507
You, too, can find your way out.

00:24:37.507 --> 00:24:45.626
Tina and Anne are always so grateful for all of your support as we try to make a difference in this forever changing world.

00:24:45.626 --> 00:24:52.203
There is so much pain going on in the world right now, and we want to do this together, one heartbeat at a time.

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We want to leave you with this Remember the best way to predict the future is to create it, and that's by Peter Drucker Don't wait for opportunity.

00:25:04.553 --> 00:25:06.603
You have to go out and you have to create it.

00:25:06.603 --> 00:25:14.365
You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great, and that's by Zig Ziglar.

00:25:14.365 --> 00:25:21.364
Some people want it to happen, some people wish it to happen, others make it happen.

00:25:21.364 --> 00:25:25.492
If you don't take risks, you can't create a future.

00:25:25.492 --> 00:25:28.862
And I really believe in you.

00:25:28.862 --> 00:25:56.088
I know that you can believe in yourself, and I want to tell you that I was that person and I had to fake it until I made it, and I had to move forward, no matter how hard it was, and I had to believe in myself before I really believed in myself, and I'm still doing that today, manifesting things and making things happen, just because I'm getting out there and I'm doing it.

00:25:56.529 --> 00:26:32.346
You know, there was a thing that we had on our podcast recently where Ron Sanderson said that there were people who considered themselves lucky and people that considered themselves unlucky, and there was a research thing that this guy did and he put a $20 bill in front of the coffee house that he invited all these people to and I think it was like 80% of the people who thought they were lucky found it and 20% of the people who thought that they were unlucky found it and 80% didn't.

00:26:32.346 --> 00:26:39.859
So you know, it really has to do with a mindset and you can talk yourself into being different.

00:26:39.859 --> 00:26:49.465
I know circumstances are difficult and circumstances sometimes are what they are and they can really stink and they can be hard.

00:26:49.465 --> 00:26:54.244
You could be in the absolute worst possible place, but isn't that the place to begin?

00:26:54.244 --> 00:26:55.428
Isn't that?

00:26:55.428 --> 00:26:57.010
You have to begin where you are.

00:26:57.010 --> 00:27:02.971
You can't start 10 steps ahead from where you are, because you have to start right where you are.

00:27:03.511 --> 00:27:17.413
So here at Real Talk, we're encouraging you to start right where you are, no matter where it is, no matter how hard it is, no matter where those valleys are and just go through it and you will get to the other side.

00:27:17.413 --> 00:27:19.888
You have to go out and you have to make it happen.

00:27:19.888 --> 00:27:28.791
There's been times in my life where I absolutely positively felt like I couldn't even get off the couch, but the only way to do it was just to get up.

00:27:28.791 --> 00:27:36.028
No matter how hard it was, I just got up, and sometimes it's just one step at a time.

00:27:36.028 --> 00:27:40.226
Even if you can't see that step in front of you, you just have to take it.

00:27:40.226 --> 00:27:43.470
We believe in you here at Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

00:27:44.161 --> 00:27:45.226
Thanks for joining us.

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This is Real Talk with Tina and Anne and we will chat again next week.