The Power of Being Right Where You Are

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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

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I am Tina and I am.

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Anne, last time Tina and I talked, we discussed the worst thing that you could do to someone.

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We did a deep dive on how it affects us when someone hurts us.

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We did a twist on the word sticks and stones because in reality, words do hurt.

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People's actions really do hurt.

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They really do change our view on humanity and ourselves, and it starts young.

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We talked about how little ones can actually have their hearts chiseled every time that there is a hurt which is so sad, and we discussed how important it is to validate someone when they are hurt and to let them know they are heard and believed.

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I mean, every single time somebody has just allowed me the possibility, the ability to be able to be heard.

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I mean, that's everything you know.

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Today.

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We want to further this discussion on embracing where we are, even if it's not a good place.

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What if embracing the pain is the only way forward?

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We want to say right here that it's okay not to be okay.

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Pretending doesn't heal.

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There are times in our life that we legit are just not okay and we do not have to put on that mask.

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It's okay to let a person know that they have hurt you.

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It's okay to let someone know that you're in pain.

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The only way for anyone to move forward is to be right where you are.

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I want to add something really quick because this just happened to me.

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Somebody in our class just passed away yesterday and so it's on our you know our high school thing and everybody's making comments and everything.

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And a friend of mine who I graduated with, she messaged me who's her dad had passed away in the last couple of years.

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I don't know how you've been able to smile after you lost your dad, and I just thought that that was so powerful and I messaged her back and I said I spent most of my school years faking my smile.

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And then she messaged me back it must have been hard.

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So you know, I mean that was really interesting in so many ways.

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First of all, for her to say that or even, you know, acknowledge the passing of a dad in the pain and how much it hurts.

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And then for her to say you know it must have been hard for you to do that, for you to pretend for all those years.

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But you know, you look back and if I would have been in the moment and if I wouldn't have, you know, but I was only 11.

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I was so young that I didn't know yet how to be in the moment and I thought my role was to fake it.

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You know, I learned so young to fake it.

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Well, you always hear the phrase fake it till you make it, and sometimes you have to do that to get yourself out of a rut, and I think the goal of that phrase is to actually feel the thing you're faking, you know if you're trying to fake that you're happy to still find happiness in the hard times.

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I want to go back for just a minute and I want to say, in my opinion, I would say, that our episode of words do hurt.

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What's the worst thing someone could do to you?

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I think that might have been the one that we received the most feedback on and I want to say I appreciate the feedback.

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I definitely think there may be some people listening that don't have good intentions, but I will say this we are allowed to have our voice and our opinions and not everyone has to agree, but this is absolutely something we're doing to help people feel like they're not alone and to just do the best to keep kind of a positive outlook.

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And, as you were talking about, pretending doesn't heal and what if we embrace the pain to move forward?

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I've been thinking about that a lot this week actually.

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Oh, okay, I don't have anything pinpointed, I don't have some grand thing to say, oh, you know, I figured it all out, or anything like that.

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But I have been thinking.

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That's been on my heart is that I think that the current season I'm in that feels a little bit hard, will have some sort of benefit later.

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If I believe that all things can be worked for good, then I feel like, okay, I just need to hopefully wait it out and see what that might be.

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So yeah, I've just been thinking about it.

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Like I said nothing grand, just thinking, okay, well, I got to trust this is going to work out for good.

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Yeah, you know I am a visual person, so lots of times I go to visual ways of trying to figure out my way forward and in everything in life.

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I don't know, I think it's probably my autism, I don't know but imagine trying to start a race 10 steps ahead of where you are standing.

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I mean it's impossible and I believe that I've lived a great deal of my life not living where I was and I can picture myself, you know, stumbling, trying to avoid the pain, to try to just start 10 steps ahead without experiencing all the steps in between.

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Yeah, I think that's a great point, and I think I've kind of heard something similar recently too, that you know, don't get stuck living in the past and looking so forward to the future that you miss the here and now.

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I think it's so important to just be grounded and try to find.

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We're all so individualized, unique, so it's not a one size fits all, but I think we need to find, well, what is it that keeps us grounded and what is it that would keep us focused on the present moment?

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It's okay to reflect on the past and it's okay to look forward to the future, but I think that myself included, sometimes you missed right where you are because you're thinking of those other two things.

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Oh my gosh.

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Yes, and you have to experience the storm and the hurts, because that is where the lessons are, on both sides.

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Imagine that we don't tell people that they've hurt us and I've done this.

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I still do this all the time, and I don't know why I do this, except for the fact that I'm afraid to hurt the other person.

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You know, so oftentimes I don't tell them that they've hurt me, which can cause us to not move out of the problem and just continue on while pretending everything is okay If we don't find a way to move forward together.

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And you have to be honest in order to do that.

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So they have to be able to receive our honesty, even if it hurts and even if they feel they didn't do something wrong.

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Start with listening and validating the pain, and you don't even have to agree in order to validate the person and their hurt.

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Agreeing just to sit down and listen is huge, because people do hurt us and it's a fact.

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Then the next step is having those real conversations, and they aren't easy.

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No, and you know you touched on a really good point.

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But what happens if you're not given the opportunity?

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You know you're assuming that everyone can be adult.

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You know that we're referring to and sometimes people can't be adults for whatever reason, and you're not given the opportunity to say, hey, that really hurt or they don't, they just don't care to hear.

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And so I think that then goes back to almost the whole phrase of accepting an apology you'll never get.

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And that's hard, I think, no matter what age that we are, because sometimes, you know, I saw another quote recently, because you know we love quotes here yeah, it talked about I can't think of it word for word, but it talked about how you can love people and you can talk to them and you know all these things and they still just can't hear you Move on.

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You know, if you tried and tried and tried and tried again in all these different ways, sometimes you just have to move on.

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You know, if you tried and tried and tried and tried again in all these different ways, sometimes you just have to move on, and sometimes that can be hard.

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And sometimes, you know it's hard when you're accused of things or people, just flat out.

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Maybe they just don't like you because of no reason at all, and that's hard too, you know.

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So I think there's so much that if we could all behave the way you described, so that we could all tell each other hey, that hurt when you did this, because none of us are perfect, I think that would be so, so great.

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But not everyone is able to give another party the opportunity, and I think that's where more hurt can enter opportunity and I think that's where more hurt can enter.

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You know, like you're saying, I wish that people were willing to just come to the table.

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You know, I don't know if you've ever watched I think it's like Red Talk or Red Table with the Smiths, and it's like Will Smith's wife and her kids and they all sit around.

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It's like red table talk, that's what it's called, and I mean they get down and dirty and they just all say all the things and I don't know it's hard, but you can tell that they all sit and they listen to each other and they respect each other's opinions.

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They receive it and then they talk it through.

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And I know it really is.

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You know, I have this visual of teaching my child math.

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It's just so funny because I, you know I'm the worst at math and I just want to jump to the answer right away and I don't like the way new math is at all.

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No, me neither.

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I don't understand it.

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It doesn't even make sense to me why they're doing it this way.

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But one of the things that I always hated was showing my work, and I get it.

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You know, the reason they ask our kids to show their work is to show how they got there.

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And we have to do the steps to get there, not just jump ahead to the answer, because, honestly, by doing that we are denying ourselves so many lessons along the way.

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We are denying ourselves the ability to pick up right where we are and move forward healthier.

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If we just go to the end of the equation or, in this case, the problem, you know, I feel like I'm just faking it, so it's not real and that's not where I really am.

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So it's kind of good to take all the steps to get to the solution, I guess.

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I really like that.

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Denying ourselves lessons If we just skip right to the end.

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Yeah, really really good.

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I think that's really helpful for a season that I'm in right now.

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Just remembering that, I think it would be good for maybe all of us to write that down.

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I love that Well you know I've been in a season myself and I'm going through another one right now because I'm having some problems with my kids and just different things.

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And you know I don't take those detours anymore like I used to.

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And we can all take detours and I've done it many times and I want to tell my kids that they're fine lots of times when they aren't, just because it makes it easy.

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And but how many times do we tell ourselves that we're fine when we really aren't?

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Yeah, that's a good point.

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I feel like then we're teaching our children to mask how they're feeling and I don't want to do mouse a little bit lately and just on occasion, you know, been a little disrespectful, and we don't think he's perfect Again, nobody is and so you know we've been working on it.

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But he really pushed my husband's buttons recently and so, you know, my husband took him upstairs into his room, you know, and I didn't love, I guess, the way it was handled.

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It wasn't any name call, nothing like that.

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I just, I don't know.

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You don't often see my husband really upset.

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And so I talked to him about it later and I said, you know, he's like I just want to make sure that we're on the same page.

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And I said, well, I know what you're saying, that you want our son to be respectful, but I don't love the way that you handled it.

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And he said, that's okay, you don't have to, but I am confident in how I handled it and no matter who was here, it wouldn't.

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It wouldn't matter who saw it, because I'm that confident you know the interaction that it was okay, and more than just the interaction itself, all I could think of was he is that confident that, you know, one kid was afraid and the other one's, you know, really upset and crying, and I was kind of like, well, I don't like how you did it and there was every opportunity there that he could have maybe like I don't know if this is the right phrasing but caved in and been like, oh okay, you know, I, I, yeah, you're right Just to make us feel better.

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But he stood strong and not in a mean way at all, and it was his confidence again that just really stood out to me.

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I think that you know, in all the right places, if we all had just a little more confidence, I think that it would make things a little bit easier as we go through some of the experiences that we're talking about.

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You know, it's beautiful for the way that you guys communicate with each other.

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It's beautiful that you work as a team and that he listened to you and, even though you had a different opinion, that was fine, and that he was confident in how he handled it.

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And then you, you know it made you kind of see the situation a little differently.

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So I mean, that's an actual very it's a beautiful illustration of the two of you working together.

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And it was a hard.

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You know, it was kind of a hard conversation to have because, again, it doesn't that rarely, if ever happens, and so it was just one of those things where we could have yelled and screamed at each other, but we handled it the way that you talked about.

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One of us felt hurt or uncomfortable or I don't even know whatever you want to call it, but we were able to just talk it out with love, and I you know we've said this before on an episode or two, and I don't remember when, but when did we become this society, or just in our relationships, where there's no room for error, there's no grace, there's no, just talking it out like adults?

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When did that fall by the wayside that we're all expected to not ever make any mistake of any kind, and it's like I don't know why there's not more grace being shown, because nobody is perfect and you know.

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So that's just kind of something that's been on my mind for a long time.

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Is you just look at this world and you can see that there's so much bad thing and this and that going on, and it just seems like, well, can we?

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I don't know, is there any grace to be given here.

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That's what I keep coming back to is kind of where's the love?

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You know, where is the love at?

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Our society has really changed and you know, I think social media has so much to do with it, because these kids are, and actually even your generation.

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I'm older than you, but you know people, every single generation has become more and more.

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I feel unkind and less gracious and, you know, loving to the other side and listening to the other side, and the entitlement has really taken over, where people just feel like they need to be given everything and you're the one that's wrong, even though they might have had some wrong in it, but they just don't see that they've done anything wrong.

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I mean, it's getting worse and worse and I don't know how we reverse it, because it's, it's bad yeah, I agree, I don't know either.

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I don't know, but hopefully you know, I still always believe the best in people and you know, sometimes you just have to say I, this disrupts my peace, you're gone because you know you try and try and try and and it's like no, we're done here.

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Obviously this isn't going to work.

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It's amazing how often we rob ourselves of the experience along the way, even if it hurts.

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And I feel like what you're talking about.

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I mean, people are just kind of skipping out on the hard parts and they're just dismissing.

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You know, dismissing that's one of the worst things I think is dismissing.

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And one of the coolest things and hardest things that we did this summer was go on a trip.

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We went on in 16 states.

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I know that's crazy, Isn't that crazy, Crazy fun.

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We were in 16 states.

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It was a lot, but the thing about it was there was the ups and the downs and the peaks and the valleys, and you know, literally and figuratively, but we were a family in the car for those 16 states and you know we just had to deal with each other.

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We had to fully experience everything because, you know, there was just really no escaping.

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So one of the things that we did was we had bought tickets to NASA.

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We spent a few days actually at NASA, but it was one of my favorite things.

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I think my kids too.

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But we spent the first day there.

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We did everything.

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It was such a great day and then it was almost closing time and we were realizing, oh my gosh, it's closing time.

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We better hurry and get to the tour bus that we were going to take.

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We got there just in time for the bus to pull out and I was like are you kidding me?

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I mean, it was like my dream to go to the rocket launch area and you have to, because it's government property.

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You have to take a special bus to get there and there was no going on your own.

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No, you're not allowed to go on your own, no.

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So I was like you, you know, we were all crushed.

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So while we were leaving and our hearts are down and we're just like okay, you know, I'm trying to accept this.

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Uh, we saw this woman that we had friended that during the day.

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She was such a great woman.

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She loved my kids.

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Her name was Noah, A female named Noah.

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She was a female named Noah and she showed us the way she like parted the Red Sea for us.

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It was so amazing how she made this happen and she was from a different country.

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So she's like I'll tell you what.

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I'm going to get you these tickets, and I think everybody got these tickets for the second day, but she made us feel special and she got us discounted tickets for the next day which were really, really cheap, so we could all go back for the next day and the first thing that we did was go to the launch area.

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We went to the bus and we went to the launch area.

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But you know, I was thinking about that because if I would have said no, you know, so many times I think in life we just take the one day tour and we miss out on all the amazing things that happen along the way and we experienced the good and the bad, and then we got to the other side and then we did have a really great, amazing time.

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And in relationships, many times we just do the one day thing and then the other side of that is that there are legit times that we need to know when to go, and so we need to pay attention to all of that.

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Oh yeah, that's so good, so, so good.

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Well, I'm getting ready to actually embark on another adventure, because my first day is fast approaching and it is going to be a literal up and down.

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I'm going to do my first Via Ferrata, which is called.

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It's Italian, it's a via ferrata, I don't know if I'm saying it right, but it's a climbing adventure, okay, where there are two people.

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Another climbing adventure.

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Yes, it's more climbing than hiking, but it is in a different state than where I live.

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Okay, and I'm going to be going, and it's with the tour company, and the backstory, I guess, is the place is owned by a couple, I believe, who hired an adventurer years ago to come in and install all of these, like a big walking swinging bridge and some like foot ladders and things in the mountains, in the rocks of the mountains, and so it's about a three or so hour tour where you know you're climbing up and down the mountains and the peaks and in the valleys to get from one mountain to the other.

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And I'm really looking forward to it because I'm feeling again much like I did last July of 2023, that I need to clear my head again and just be out there and make sure I can still do something that I really want to do, and so that is what I'm going to do.

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It's going to be an adventure, because I thought, well, I could probably do the drive, do the tour and get back all in one day, but I'm going to spend two days, and it's the reason that you said I don't want to have to be rushed and miss out on something.

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I just want to enjoy my time, and so the other funny thing is I have been all this year saving to um in purchasing different things so that I can sleep in my whole family, actually, um, so that we can sleep in our minivan, so that we don't have to.

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You know, hotels get expensive for just one night, what's you know it's, it's not worth an extra $200 just to have a bed somewhere you can.

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It's just like camping, but it's a hardcover tent, in my opinion.

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So that's what we're gonna do overnight and I am I am really excited about it.

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It's gonna be.

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It's gonna be a really fun adventure, and it will still challenge me because, while I'm not afraid of heights, you know per se, um, I love roller coasters and all those things.

00:23:59.516 --> 00:24:06.306
That bridge is just from this mountain to that mountain steel cables and some wood.

00:24:06.306 --> 00:24:07.948
You know that you walk over.

00:24:07.968 --> 00:24:08.729
Why do you do this?

00:24:09.150 --> 00:24:12.684
I don't know, but this time I have carabiners.

00:24:12.684 --> 00:24:14.619
I'm carabinered on, you know.

00:24:14.619 --> 00:24:17.547
So you can carabiner yourself across.

00:24:17.547 --> 00:24:25.020
So you can't fall, correct, the only way I would fall is if I took it off to go around something in mist.

00:24:25.020 --> 00:24:29.154
So yeah, it should be relatively safe, which you would not do.

00:24:29.154 --> 00:24:31.339
No, I don't plan to do that.

00:24:31.339 --> 00:24:41.916
I mean, I hope there's no tree in my way or something, but no, it just looks like a fun, just a fun adventure, a different type of adventure, but still an outdoor adventure.

00:24:43.038 --> 00:24:43.358
You.

00:24:43.358 --> 00:24:46.041
I don't know if you're brave or crazy.

00:24:46.502 --> 00:24:47.644
I know, I don't know either.

00:24:47.644 --> 00:24:49.465
It's fun, it's fun.

00:24:49.465 --> 00:25:03.057
But you know, when you talked about those literal peaks and valleys, I thought, well, I'm headed in that direction too, because I feel like that's the easiest way for me to kind of clear my head and just kind of like shake it off, as Taylor Swift would say.

00:25:03.057 --> 00:25:10.460
You know, just take all that stuff off and, you know, just get grounded again, like we talked about in the beginning.

00:25:10.460 --> 00:25:13.085
So I am looking forward to that.

00:25:14.406 --> 00:25:15.589
Well, how exciting.

00:25:15.589 --> 00:25:46.641
You know, I know that we are comparing experiences like this to life, but, honestly, this is life and I think so many times we are in such a hurry that we don't take the time to truly resolve things or truly experience right where we are, because we are thinking ahead or thinking I just want to get to or I just don't want to face, whatever it is when, in reality, every time we do that, I think we really leave a part of us behind and we don't really allow all of us to move forward.

00:25:48.423 --> 00:25:48.784
You know what?

00:25:48.784 --> 00:25:49.384
I think?

00:25:49.384 --> 00:25:50.647
I think you're right.

00:25:50.647 --> 00:25:56.824
I also think there might be a certain time to have it all come full circle.

00:25:56.824 --> 00:26:06.835
So, you know, maybe you do have to push it to the side for the time being, as long as you remember, to come back to it so that you can feel it, to heal it.

00:26:06.835 --> 00:26:26.320
I know I've used that phrase before, but that's what's really, you know, spoken to me so much over the last few years the last about six years or so and it's, I think, just so important because if we don't go through that necessary step let's be honest, nobody wants to walk through the valleys.

00:26:26.320 --> 00:26:28.125
I don't, I really don't.

00:26:28.125 --> 00:26:37.061
I wish so bad that we didn't have to, because they're hard and sometimes it's like the hits just keep coming and coming and coming and you're really knocked down.

00:26:37.061 --> 00:26:53.563
You're looking up and you're like there's no way I will ever get back up to the top and then, one foot at a time, you start to climb back out, because if you stay in that valley too long, it's gonna eat you up.

00:26:54.846 --> 00:26:56.932
You know, the learning and the experiences are what?

00:26:56.932 --> 00:26:57.836
Like what you're saying.

00:26:57.836 --> 00:27:02.186
They're in the journey and that is why we always say that there is only.

00:27:02.186 --> 00:27:18.217
There is not only purpose in the pain, but there's hope in the journey, and it is a journey and unfortunately, we have to take the good and the bad in order to complete, have a complete experience.

00:27:18.217 --> 00:27:21.744
The thing I want to emphasize is the complete experience.

00:27:21.744 --> 00:27:35.478
At the end of that vacation, you know, it also became about what our family went through together, and when you go through something with someone, it deepens the relationship or it makes you realize that the relationship needs to end.

00:27:35.478 --> 00:27:54.506
But you can stay in things much longer than you should because you are not allowing yourself to fully experience where you are with a person or in life and we ignore our feelings in that situation or with that person, or we are so fast to move on that we don't realize that.

00:27:54.506 --> 00:28:02.105
You know we're getting that nudge letting us know it's time to move on and we can miss that nudge if we aren't in the moment.

00:28:03.394 --> 00:28:31.920
You know, that very thing has happened to me before where friendship has ended and I feel like in a way it was, it was almost like like a mutual but unspoken kind of ending, but at the same time it's it is still hard to, you know, see something like that go, because you did have an investment in each other and you know I'm not the same person.

00:28:31.920 --> 00:28:38.018
I was today, that I was a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, and I think that's always.

00:28:38.018 --> 00:28:39.063
Our goal is growth.

00:28:39.083 --> 00:28:39.242
Yeah.

00:28:40.236 --> 00:28:56.547
You know, for those of us who want to grow, you know, I know people who think that that's just for children, literally had someone say oh well, you know, growing together and learning together, yeah, that's for kids, not adults, and it's like no, I think it's for anyone.

00:28:56.547 --> 00:28:59.163
I don't think it's age specific at all.

00:28:59.163 --> 00:29:02.984
I think that it's important, you know, to grow.

00:29:02.984 --> 00:29:15.268
I mean, just think about if we didn't grow with the times right, we, you know, we wouldn't have a podcast, we wouldn't have a computer, we wouldn't have so many things, because that's what you just have to do.

00:29:15.268 --> 00:29:28.486
So, um, I, you're, but, but you're right, when you do go through something with someone, I feel like you either grow closer or you grow apart, and I don't know if there's an area in between that.

00:29:29.214 --> 00:29:38.950
Yeah, you know, I've stayed in relationships that have hurt me over and over again because I didn't pay attention to what my insides were saying.

00:29:40.195 --> 00:29:47.480
And our bodies talk to us and they let us know when we need to flee, and I don't know why I have done this.

00:29:48.201 --> 00:30:05.249
I think I learned super young to stay with people who are hurting me, so I actually have had to retrain myself and it's been interesting to watch how I have grown over the years to take notice and allow myself to move on.

00:30:05.249 --> 00:30:07.261
And you and I have talked about this.

00:30:07.261 --> 00:30:11.326
I think that there is this gut feeling that we need to pay attention to.

00:30:11.326 --> 00:30:18.965
I think that there can be patterns that we need to pay attention to and I know for me, I know how I feel around someone.

00:30:18.965 --> 00:30:30.046
I can instantly feel my heart go up, I can feel drained when someone leaves me and if this continues, I know that this isn't good for me.

00:30:30.046 --> 00:30:44.290
And if I do not feel fueled or heard or believed or validated or feel that it is a reciprocal relationship, or feel appreciated, it's time to move on Absolutely.

00:30:44.290 --> 00:30:48.962
This is the end of part one of Facing the Hurt, the Power of being Right when you Are.

00:30:48.962 --> 00:30:51.228
Tune in next week for part two.