The Power of a Safe Space and the profound Impact 30 seconds can make: The Denise Bard story part 2

Speaker 1: 0:08

This is part two of Denise Bard's interview. If you have not heard episode one, it tells part of her story that you need to hear. She continues her story in this episode and talks more about the youth shelter that helped save her life. You will hear a little bit of the end of part one in this episode as an intro to this amazing episode. Thank you so much for listening. Denise is a very brave lady and Anchor House in New Jersey is saving children's lives, one life at a time. If you would like to donate to them, please go to AnchorHouseNewJerseyorg, and Tina and I have a new website at RealTalkWithTinaandAnnecom. Check it out and please spread the word about our podcast. We love hearing from you. Here is episode two.

Speaker 2: 0:53

You know all those things. So you didn't feel that love, you didn't feel that part of you that you need in order to grow. And so, for me, it was these moments I got from teachers. So I'm going to give you three examples because and I say this with all honesty that this continues to help me, these moments continue to help me to make me a better person, a wife, a mom. These are the reasons why I could look out my window and look at my house and know, god, I'm here because of, and so, aside from my case worker, who, again, the pure, unconditional love has has driven me beyond some of the darkest days. I had an eighth grade teacher. She was my favorite teacher, miss Camiotti, and she was my favorite teacher because of her subject, because I sucked at math and she was a math teacher, but she on it. She actually worked or volunteered at Anchor House and while I was there she helped with transportation because a lot of the kids that were there were coming from different areas and different school districts, so that was a challenge to get kids to their schools. And so for me, and the reason why for me, and the fact that she was volunteer there, it kind of made it easy, I would get my rides back and forth, and I wish, I wish this is one of the things that, like I have that regret I wish that I felt comfortable enough to tell her what was going on, and I wish I remembered those trips back and forth. But I don't. But the one thing that stands out in my mind and has helped me is there was a day that someone came in to see her and I was at my locker, which was right across the hall from her classroom, and I was, you know, digging out books, and I remember her calling me over. I had long curly hair I don't have long hair anymore, but I had long curly hair and I remember her pushing my hair off my shoulders and then replacing her hands on my shoulders and introducing me to him, as this is my Denise. Those simple words Again this goes back to that 32nd moment so innocent, didn't mean anything to her, but and it was, you know, it's just that simple-ness, but for me it meant so much. It was the first time that I heard those words and that I felt like I could actually be wanted by someone, because I had been told my entire life that no one would want you. And now I have this person who said these words to me that I was like holy crap, you know, and I learned in that moment what it felt like to feel wanted to be someone's. And I know again, it was an innocent moment, it wasn't what she meant, but it's what she said. And I will say this I heard this one time. Somebody said people hear what they need to hear in that moment, and I expand that to say that, and I'll use kids. Kids will hear what they need to hear in that moment and they will feel what they need to feel in that moment. And so for me, that was one of the things that helped me. Every time my mother would yell at me and say I don't want you, no one wants you. I was able to go back to that moment a lot and remind myself that, no, somebody does want me. I know that it wasn't true, but in my mind as a kid, somebody does want me. Gosh, that's so powerful. It is. After I'd left Anchor House I had to go live with other family members and that wasn't going well and they had taken me out of my school, which was my safety, which is where I saw that teacher, and I felt that connection and I ran away and they took me to a place called Youth Emergency Center and there it was at a hospital, and that hospital is where my mother was in the psychiatric ward at one time, and so she convinced them. Well, first of all, I ran and the police got me, and so they took me to this location and I guess she was filling out paperwork to commit me into the psychiatric ward. And I remember this man and I tell the story. I was like this fat man came in to the room and he looked at me and he said you have two choices right now. You can either write down and he put the paper right in front of me with a pen, never forget this so you can write down how you have been making all this up for attention, or you can go up to the ward, because she's already signing you up. And I sat there for a few minutes and I wish one of my regrets that I just said go ahead and commit me, because maybe somebody would have listened and maybe I wouldn't have been afraid to say something. But obviously I was hungry and I was like you know what? I know how to survive in that environment. Let me just go back. So I go back and it was about a year later and I am completely defeated again and I make my plans on what I was gonna do and I didn't care if they were gonna claim victim. And so I decided I was gonna go to my last basketball practice. And I kind of chuckle in this because you can't see me, but I'm five foot tall and there was nothing about me that screams basketball at all. But the coach was actually my soccer coach and she really encouraged well, forced me to play basketball or try basketball. And I'm so glad that she did, because that day going into that practice she walked beside me and I used to say, oh, she put her arm around me, but in all honesty, she took me into this headlock and she said I think I'm gonna take you under my wings Once again. There's that moment of 30 seconds where I mattered to someone and so once again, when I'm faced with all the adversity of not mattering. I now have somebody that says, no, you matter to me. So I was able to continue to go back to that moment. Anytime I face the adversity, which again comes into resiliency. And the third person well, there's more, but I'm gonna put this out there too. Is that that same timeframe I'm in high school and I become really close with my gym teacher. She was my gym and health teacher, miss Sedia, and I'm still close with her today. She used to I don't know how she, like I don't know how we made this good connection, but we did and she would kind of almost read me as to when I needed to talk and she would bring me out and she comes in my car and of course, you know, back in the 80s, 90s, that was okay, right. So I would go into her car and she literally would just lean over, tap me on the knee and again, when I tell you these stories, like I literally remember second to second, but she would tap me on my knee and tell me and she would say, come on, tell me what's going on, how's your day, what's going on? Just the fact that somebody was interested in me. It was, you know, again, part of okay, I can make it through these things. And so, again, when I'm told that you know I'm a waste of time, I'm Anything, I was told that I would never be. I am because I am that I'm, you know, sitting here this woman is asking me truly and genuinely how I am. And so, again, that is part of my resiliency, because I go back to these moments as I was growing up and I was still living at home. Those moments helped me get to the next spot, to the next spot. And so I'll jump forward to you two years ago because, again, this is about resiliency too, although I have like I could sit here and tell you for an hour everything that's helped me. But those small moments made such an impact that two years ago, my daughter, who I had never shared my upbringing with, I just said it wasn't a very good one, you know, it just wasn't a good, you know, upbringing. And as she got older, there was a situation which I can discuss later that happened, that kind of forced us to say and I say us, my husband, you know, was said we need to just say, you know, my mother made really bad choices and this is another one of her choices. That isn't good, she had called social services on me, but I could talk to you about that later. But I told her, when she's 18, she can go ahead and ask me anything. So two years ago I am driving in the car with her and she's 18 and she asked me and so I, you know told her the things that I was most comfortable with at that time when she was 18. And I told her my you know story. And as I'm talking to her about the story you know, obviously Anchor House comes in, michelle comes in it as Anchor House, my teacher Ms Kamyati, my coach Patty Jewel, my teacher Ms Seedia, and at the end of me, talking about everything, I said I just wish I had a mom, because this is something I struggle with, because I think I could be a better mom. I think that you know I could be a better to you. And she stopped me and she was like mom, I love the way that they raised you, because I love the way you raised me and it just kind of they hit me. I'm like holy crap. You know, those people helped me to overcome more than I even recognized, and those individuals, their 30 seconds has transcended time and a legacy has been made because I was able to give something to my daughter that I never would have been able to do, even though I lived in the same environment of that you know abuse and such. So that definitely helped me to get through and overcome a lot of things.

Speaker 1: 11:46

You know, it says a lot about who you are as a person, though, because some people and I'm not saying this against anybody that went this direction, because we're all made differently and our stories are all different, but they, you know, what happens to us affects us all differently, but it didn't hurt you, it didn't tear you down to the point where you couldn't let any of the good in. You still were able to take a 30 second here, take a 30 second there, even being knocked down as much as you were. I mean. That just says so much about you.

Speaker 2: 12:21

Yeah, and again, I mean I really believe that the reason is that I had Anger House to go to. I would not have, in all everything, honestly, have been able to know how to do that. I wouldn't have been able to find those moments Right, and so that's, you know, again, one of the reasons why I talk, because somebody else out there doesn't know about this. You know this, this tool To be able to use to overcome, because we're presented with these moments every single day. Every day, either someone's giving us a moment where we're getting a moment given to us, and so it's about, you know to us, and so it's about utilizing that. And yeah, I mean I, as I said, I don't think, I don't think my life would have been the way it's turned out without learning how to do that.

Speaker 1: 13:29

So then let's talk more about Anchorhouse then. And I mean they obviously have changed your life, but how many kids are in the program at a time? And you said, since you were in, I mean it's changed probably considerably because times have changed and it's grown. So tell us more about the organization and how many kids they actually can help and have helped.

Speaker 2: 14:00

Anchorhouse since the time I was in there in 1989, has just expanded with a myriad of different programs that help not just the 12 to 18 year olds but including going from 18 to 21 and then even to 24. I know we were talking, and you were asking, about the kids that age out of the foster care system. This program oh my gosh, like I get chills thinking about it because this wasn't there when I was there. So what happens is just incredible. The impact report you can really go into detail and see on their website, which is anchorhousenjorg. There is so many kids that it helps so many, giving them something that they would not have if Anchorhouse was not there. So Anchorhouse started back in 1987 by some citizens who wanted to help get these runaway and homeless youth off the streets in Trenton. They were able to purchase a convict, a nun's convent, and convert it into what is now the shelter, and it's where I was back in 1989. Of course, since that time the program has grown to help kids longer and with more services up from. They go from 12 to 18 in the shelter, 18 to 21 in some of our transitional housing and then the rapid rehousing is our 18 to 24 year olds. The Anchorhouse is that crisis center, the drop-in center. It's where kids initially come right to. That's the starting point and obviously there's the point to try to do family reunification, but when that is not something that can happen, the next step is to go to what we call an anchorage. It's in a transitional program. A lot of the kids who age out of the foster care system go to this. The age range is 18 to 21 and that provides long-term transitional living for these homeless youth, and whether youth we've had kids within the LGBTQIA community which we see now are having issues with homelessness as well as they're not accepted. So we're going to try to get them to do that. We're not accepted. So we are very diverse and open-armed to anyone. They there get help with life skills and the anchorage is really truly what you and I would consider. The group home, at least at this point in time, right now, is how it is. It's a group home. There's a shared kitchen, a shared living room, everybody has some bedrooms, but it is. It's that group home environment just on an older scale. Then, after the anchorage, they have anchor, anchor line apartments and this provides subsidized housing, food, case management, counseling, life skills, education, everything to be able to help them to live successful lives and on their own. You know, the whole goal is to be able to provide them that ability to live independently and on their own. Then the next step is connect to home, which these are apartments and we have. I believe it is like 34 units in 22. We're growing so much that I can't even keep up with how many we've had, but the impact report online actually shows that, yep, we have 34 rental units and these apartments provide housing, with some people with choice vouchers that that they're able to get these choice vouchers through the Department of Children and Family Services and Community Affairs. Again, that's connect to home. And then we have rapid rehousing, which is our 18 to 24 year olds. This program provides supportive services to youth who meet the HUD eligibility requirements to live in their own apartments. There are so many young adults that get to this stage and learn so much and then they become independent from our resources because they're at that level, which is awesome, because that's that's the whole point of having anchor house and services like this. We want to help them be successful. It's a lot of these kids say are aging out of the foster care system. There is no family to go back to. So where do you go? We give them a safe home, a safe environment. We help teach them, you know, like I said, life skills, the budgeting, different things like that. We help them to further their education. There are grants and scholarships in order for them to be able to go to college. And I can tell you just recently met three, actually four, because I've become friends with a one young man who have gone on to college Again. These kids, the one young man friend of mine now, he was in foster care, aged out and because of anchor house, and particularly a one of his counselors, when he found out that he wanted to go to college he just didn't have the application fee. His counselor pulled out of his pocket and gave him the money to pay the fee.

Speaker 1: 19:41

Oh, my God.

Speaker 2: 19:42

Now, he not only graduated with his bachelor's in it from Montclair State University, he went on to the university Delaware and got his master's in. Oh gosh, what was it? I think a cybersecurity. All because that man took and that man is, is why anchor house is what it is. It's that caring environment that we want to help. These kids were not just, you know, workers, were more than workers. And I say we I'm not a worker there, but these counselors and the people who do this, the volunteers, they're not just there just to be there, they're there because they want to be there, they want to help. I mean, there was a young lady at the anniversary dinner. She's got master to degree after master's degree. I mean this isn't you know, we house you and then, you know, we tell you good luck. This is no. We're invested, like anchor house is very invested in young adults and youth.

Speaker 1: 20:44

One of my first, one of my first jobs out of college. I worked in a group home for boys and I still. It was one of my favorite jobs I've ever had because of the connections that I made, and one of the things that happened was I made such good connections and back then now this is back in the 80s- yeah. So you know, people, there just wasn't the resources back then that there is now and he aged out one of the boys that was there and he the second that he turned 18. I mean it was midnight and he walked all the way. You know it was probably 20 minute drive, so I mean he had quite a bit of walking to do. But you know I had been close to the boys and I brought them over for Christmas and I brought them over for different times, so they knew where I lived and you know he walked all night long until he got to my house and I opened the door and there he was and he aged out and he had absolutely nowhere to go, he had nobody to turn to, and so he stayed on my couch for a while and till we helped him. But you know I never, ever forgot the lack of resources that happened when those kids would age out of the system.

Speaker 2: 22:12

I went through three moments while I was in Anchor House. I remember each of them. My last roommate, she was turning 18. She had a really difficult upbringing, lost her parents and we would consider ourselves sisters. She would always consider me the little sister. Actually that was a lot of the girls in there. I was the little sister but she was turning 18. And she said I'll be 18, I don't have anywhere to go. And we talked about that and I, back in, you know, 1989, at 14, did not understand just what that meant. I didn't get it Like. I didn't fully understand what was going to happen to her. And, once again, anchor House didn't have the programs that it has today, so there wasn't the support that could be given. I am most definite that they, you know, tried what they could. You know, gave her resources, reached out to people, because the Anchor House that I know would do that. But the programs that are in place right now were not there then. And that's the reason why I think Anchor House continued to grow its programs to be able to continue to help kids that, like the ones that are aging out because you don't, you don't have anywhere to go I think about the ones that are college and during the summer. You know my daughter's in college during the summer, during breaks, holiday breaks, she comes home, she has somewhere to come home to. Right Now, these kids that's great that they have college, but what happens during those breaks when you don't have the home to go to? And so there are different things that Anchor House has been able to provide for those kids, you know, finding different safe places for them to go during those short term times. I think that might be something to consider going in the future, helping kids with that, especially since a lot of our kids right now are going to the higher education, pursuing the degrees and so, yeah, turning 18, I didn't personally live that experience, so I don't have the ability to truly talk upon it. All I can say is what I've heard from other youth, and I know that that might be difficult. You know, when you think about it, anchor House is the family unit, so I think about my own daughter. She's in college and, as her parent, we're helping her to learn the life skills. We're helping to be there to provide support. You know, to understand. You know we helped her budgeting. She has a bank account. We've taught her all these things that if there wasn't an Anchor House and these kids were on the streets aging out, had nowhere to go, they're not getting the things that most kids are getting from their families. So Anchor House becomes that unit, that family, and I'll always go back to that. I'll say Anchor House was like a family to me. When I think of home growing up, I really believe that, like I think of Anchor House, that was my home, that was where I was the safest, that was where the people were, that was where the people who cared about me I, you know got taught different things. You know we had a ton of things in there and I just that's home to me. So I feel like where Anchor House is gone with all of these programs is that they are the long-term family in my mindset.

Speaker 1: 25:50

You know, one of my favorite times every, you know, when I used to work at the group home, I mean we tried to make it as family feel as we could and there was this big dining room table and every single, every single dinner, everybody had the, you know, going to the kitchen and grab the food and put it all on the table and we would all have to wait until everybody was sitting and then we would, all you know, serve ourselves and then we would talk about our day and everybody would go around the table and everybody had to listen to everybody's stories or how they were feeling. And I just, you know, I have thought about that so many times and I still do that now with my family, and that was one of the reasons I do because of how it felt to do it when I worked at that group home and you know, did you have anything like that that really gave you that kind of a family feel, even though it wasn't a family per se?

Speaker 2: 26:56

Yeah, absolutely. There was a lot of things. I kind of jokingly say the thing that I I think of when you talk about the kitchen table, we did do? We had that we all sat at like a meal. We had volunteers that came in and cooked for us and you know you would sit down for your dinner and you know, I think lunches were like a free for all, and then I don't mean that as a free for all, there was something served, but there was a time where you all sat down, right. Of course, that was incredible. We had places in the shelter where we had a game room, we had a TV room, but the one thing that kind of makes me laugh, that I thought was like family or just which chores. I know that sounds like the craziest thing. Yeah, we all had chores and then we would alternate and we would like, you know, oh, you got this, you know, when nobody wanted the bathrooms, you know we had the hallways and the sat and I just I don't know something about that made it feel like a family, like you have these parents over you, you know, and for me and some of the other kids we didn't have parents, so it was almost like the adults, whether they were the volunteers or the staff, were the parents of our whole house, you know, right, and they were delegated these chores and I don't know. I just, I smile every time I think about that because I think of all the darn chores we had and you know, and there were 14 kids at a time when I was there, I think there were 12 to 14 kids. So you have all these kids doing all these chores, you know, but I did. I liked the table too. We did some arts and crafts around our long kitchen table. We had that, and that's where, if you've gotten trouble which not many people, except for my last roommate used to get in trouble she would have to sit there, you know, and there was kind of like your I don't call it the tension room, but here, you know, when we went out and did any kind of outings, she would have to be left behind because she wasn't following.

Speaker 1: 29:01

I don't know when she would do.

Speaker 2: 29:03

But she was. I loved her.

Speaker 1: 29:07

Can we talk more about your time after the group home?

Speaker 2: 29:11

Yes.

Speaker 1: 29:12

Thank you for listening to part two. If you know of anyone who needs help or a child that needs help, please contact your local resources. And remember Anchor House in New Jersey is a nonprofit, so any dollar sent their way is very helpful. Part three will be next week. Thanks for listening and see you next time.