Regrets: A Different Perspective

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Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

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I am Tina.

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And I am Anne.

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I've often been told that there is no room for regret, that there is no reason to look back on decisions made, and I have had a week of realizing how true that is and how life can change your entire life can change with just one decision.

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There are moments to look back, I think and reflect.

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I had a moment of regret this week, if that's the word I want to use.

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You know I grew up next to a young guy who was a constant in my life.

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He's always been there.

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Have you ever had someone just be alive?

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And that's their constant with you.

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You know they were always a message away or you know, if you drive down their street that that's where they live.

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You know that they're home.

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And a man I grew up next to.

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Well, he was not a man when I grew up next to him, of course, but when I grew up.

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He just has always stayed in touch with me since through Facebook friends or you know he showed up at my mom's funeral.

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He's messaged me and I just always looked at his Facebook and, you know, followed his woodworking that he does, and he was just a strong man of God, a pillar of the community, and he recently was on my mind.

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He just would not leave my mind and he had asked me to stop over at some point and visit him and I just never did.

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And then I saw on his Facebook and his family that he had passed away and I'm just so upset with myself that I did not follow through.

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I think that well, first, I'm sorry, I know that's hard, I know the feeling of regret and it really stings and I feel like the reason why sometimes we don't do those things we want to or we know we should is because we, at least I always think I'll have more time, yeah.

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You know I'm going to take this story all the way back to over 20 years ago, when my mom ended up dating this man and forced this marriage.

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It didn't work, but anyways, she had offered me the house that I grew up in.

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I decided not to take the house because you know that was a place where a lot of things happened and I didn't think I could ever live there again.

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So I've regretted that decision in the past.

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Have you ever done the what ifs?

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Oh, the what ifs.

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The what ifs are really hard to overcome.

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Yes, yes, I have.

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I've felt many what ifs throughout my life.

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I will say, though, I truly don't think about regret often, and I mean that because it is a rabbit hole of emotions if you stop and think about it for too long.

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So I chalk it up to this is the way it's supposed to be.

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That's just kind of for better or worse, I don't know.

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That's just what I say, because I don't want to be a slave to regret.

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I really feel like regret is a form of punishment, and I don't want to punish myself.

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Yeah, you know, I agree 100%.

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I really don't think about regret and I don't even like that word.

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It just has a negative connotation to it.

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It's not even in my vocabulary.

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Often to it.

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It's not even in my vocabulary often In fact, this is a very rare time that I am talking about it because of a true feeling of regret that I felt when I had missed that moment with my friend and I'm never going to get it back, obviously.

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But going back to my decision not to take the house, but going back to my decision not to take the house, I realized it might not have been a regret at all because I traced my life and three of my kids would not even be here if I would have said yes to living in that house.

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Have you ever felt that one decision took you on a completely different path in life?

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You know, I think about this in a couple of different ways.

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My mom was married and divorced and she had me with her first husband and I think about that.

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She had to be with him or I wouldn't be here.

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And you know, although she went through so much with him, I know that I was, as she used to say, you know, I was the prize out of all of that hard time.

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So I think about that and I think about what if I would have married one of my boyfriends?

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What, how life would be different.

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You know someone from high school instead of someone you know that I met in college because I was in a really serious relationship in high school.

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And you know, I do think about that from time to time.

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I just try to tell myself, though it all goes back to my theory of everything happens for a reason, that's what I really, I truly believe that.

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Yeah, I've had those same thoughts because I was like, oh, if I there was a guy that I almost married before the man I did marry, so it's just really interesting it would have taken me on a completely different path.

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Yes.

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So, I think about it like the, the, the serious boyfriend I had.

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We would have had all girls.

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I mean I have all boys.

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I mean it's just crazy, because I keep in touch with him, not just through Facebook, and yet here I am even going through all the hard, I wouldn't change it.

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I mean, listen, I would change the hard, don't get me wrong, but I would change all of the blessings in my life.

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Is what I mean.

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You know, they say, and I've heard some people say, I guess maybe we all have regrets, and I've heard people say that they regret the things they didn't do, but not the things they did do, as long as no one was hurt, of course.

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Right.

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That's why I was going to say I do believe that for the most part, as long as it's not something bad that you're doing, you know, do you need to try drugs?

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No, you don't.

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So you're not missing out on anything there.

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You know what I mean.

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Right Right, you're not missing out on anything there.

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You know what I mean Right right?

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Yeah, I mean the things like working too much, not enough time with the family Right now.

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You know, if you looked around my house you would think that I never cleaned.

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I mean, it is a mess and we are exhausted here.

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We're just so exhausted because, you know, we had a recently.

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We have just been living without regret, so we have been so busy.

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We just did all of these things.

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We watched, we went to the women's final four practice and saw Caitlin Clark play and did all the events that came along with that.

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We also did the eclipse at the Science Center in Cleveland, and my seven-year-old won't stop talking about NASA and the moon stuff he learned and he keeps talking about how he held a replica of a tire that they used in space and all three of my kids got to drive like this fake rover on the moon fake moon, of course and my son saw storms on the sun through a telescope, which I did too, and I've never even knew that there were storms on the sun, so that was really cool.

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My daughter got to complete mascot training and got this diploma, so she was kind of proud of that.

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It was really fun and my 10-year-old son hit the highest basketball at Tourneytown and all the staff there were just celebrating my kids, all the kids that were there with high fives for everything that they did and would just give them all this free stuff.

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My 10-year-old also got to play with the Cavs drums and my daughter got to talk to the Cavs cheerleaders and we all got to meet Cheryl Miller and all these other WNBA players.

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They saw Bill Nelson, who is a real astronaut and you know he's like the head of NASA.

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Now I think their experiences have been broadened.

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They want to be an astronaut and a scientist and a basketball player.

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And we watched the eclipse right next to two women who worked at NASA, who work at NASA, and that was the coolest to watch them experience it too.

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I came out of these two heart-filled experiences the loss of my friend, with that touch of regret, with watching my kids experience the best in life, and it just refueled me.

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I can tell you that I came out different.

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I felt, I feel changed, you know, and I just have this like go for life feeling.

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You recently went on a refueling trip with your family yes, and before I get to that, though, I just wanted to say I think this whole women's NCAA thing with Caitlin Clark has been incredible.

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It's happened to people for so many reasons.

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She has broadened the respect for women's sports, not just basketball, I think, women's sports.

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I love that men, dads, were taking their daughters to the games.

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You know another time boys were wanting to watch it because she was so cool.

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So we were sitting here watching the final game against South Carolina and I looked at my husband and I said what is she known for?

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You know what is her big thing?

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And right as I asked that, she took a three point shot from the top of of the key and he just said that, right there.

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So, then I started digging in a little bit about her.

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I wanted to learn a little bit more about her, and so I had learned that she frequents a children's hospital in her area where she lives and where she found out about some of her awards that she got, and it's where she found out about some of her awards that she got.

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So that was some accolades that she got.

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So that was pretty cool.

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And then I believe it was her local food pantry that she's a part of.

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They wanted to pay her for her time and that she it wasn't just a one-time thing, but she said no, I absolutely want to be a volunteer.

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So I think it speaks to her character.

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And I think that what's so awesome about Caitlin Clark from reading about her I act like I know her, I don't but from reading about her is that I think everything that she wants her legacy to be she said something that was profound to me, something along the lines of I don't want my legacy to be defined by 40 minutes on a basketball court.

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She said, yeah, of course you want to win, and breaking records is of course, but what she is most concerned about is inspiring others, inspiring kids in particular, to follow their dreams, whether it is playing a sport, whatever that dream would be.

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And I think that she's done that.

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I just think that she has opened the door for so very much, and I just I just had to say that because it's really incredible.

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I mean, my boys wanted to watch it Well, my oldest really with my husband and it was just so cool to see, and I think she just put a lot on the map, particularly this for sure for sure.

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yeah, my oldest son, who had this thing which was really strange that he didn't he always kind of downplayed girls and what they could do versus boys and he was like you know, yeah, boys rock, we rule, you know, but he's only 10, you know.

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So I mean, but it was so cool because he was one of the first ones that ran up to some of the women players to get autographs and he was cheering the team on and just going crazy over all the women that he met in sports, and so I was like uh-huh, yeah, you have a little bit of a different perspective now.

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Huh, you know, women rule too.

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Absolutely, you know.

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And then, before we get to my refueling trip, it was, you know, jumping around a little bit, but we were in the path of totality.

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31.6 million people were in the path of totality for the recent solar eclipse.

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We were.

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It was so beautiful, it was amazing.

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I was excited about it leading up to it, but it really did live up to the hype.

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I'm so glad that we got to watch it in our own backyard with my family, with some of our neighbor friends.

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It was so neat to see all of the different things that happened during the eclipse, like how cold it got.

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The mosquitoes came out.

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It wasn't as dark as we thought.

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It looked like a sunset all around us, not in terms of like orange and red, but just the color changing sky and you could see the stars and all the birds quieted.

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And it was so cool and how you could take the glasses off and then you could just look at it, not to mention that's some pretty spectacular pictures that I was so proud of myself because that was my plan B.

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I'd wanted to time-lapse it and it wasn't working on my phone, so I pulled apart some of the glasses.

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I had to make a big lens for my camera my DSLR camera and it worked like a charm.

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So that was really cool to see my kids excited about it and my oldest did a project on it.

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That was neat.

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Now, something I've noticed about myself over the recent years is that the mountains recharge me, and so we took a trip to Shenandoah National Park and it was fantastic.

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The weather wasn't great, but we were not going to let that stop us.

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We spent a day in DC.

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We did the zoo, we did the cherry blossoms, we saw some of the monuments, and the rest of the time we spent either enjoying our amazing cabin that we didn't want to leave, and we spent it hiking, because we are a big hiking family.

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We had deer watching us as we ate breakfast.

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Some mornings, right outside in the driveway, we saw a fox run through.

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No bears Anywhere I go I can never see a bear, but at least we saw a fox.

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When you look at the majestic mountains, they are majestic to me, and how it can be completely fog covered or it could be completely clear, and it was like bluer than blue.

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And then it was it just the colors and the changing.

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You just see how big it is and that there is a place for you in that space too, and how just that view can it just soaks into me and it recharges me.

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I had no anxiety for those five days that we were there, and I mean that wholeheartedly.

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And then that last day when we had to go, it was like it kicked right back in, so it totally did refuel me.

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I mean, plus, when you're on vacation, you don't have all of the responsibilities per se that you do when you're at home, and so it's always good to get away.

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All I can say is use all of your vacation days, friends, because they are so worth it.

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I always feel like our life is not balanced the way it should be.

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I have always felt that I mean where 99% of your life is really anxiety, ridden, full of responsibilities and you know.

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And then we have this 1% of time in our life where we can go off with our families and do things and just rest and relax, and no wonder we're all walking around so stressed.

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I mean it really makes a lot of sense.

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So recharge, whatever that looks like for you.

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Recharge and do it in small spurts if you can't do the big ones.

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You know?

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But what you just talked about experiencing life, just breathing it in and I felt that like no other during the eclipse, when it went completely dark I mean I didn't think that it was.

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They said that it was going to go dark, but it went black and I could not believe how dark it was and my kids were grabbing me and jumping up and down and everybody was screaming where we were and clapping and I was just the chills that I got and it was just like breathing in this life.

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It was such an amazing experience.

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It was so amazing and the thing that really gets me and just makes me stop for a moment is thinking that for those few minutes, so many millions of people were looking up at the same sky.

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I was at the same thing.

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I thought that too.

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It blows my mind.

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It brought us all together.

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It sure did.

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That's exactly what I thought, just like sports can do, just like the pandemic, in a way, did.

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Do you know what I mean?

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It was something that brought so many people together.

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Yeah, yeah, you know, I wish that we would have more moments of that.

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I wish I would have spent more of my life keeping things closer and not pushing them away because of a lack of trust.

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I wish I would have kept some people closer that were not the reason for the hurt.

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Have you ever kept a lot of things away because it represented something to you, but it wasn't the actual person or place that gave you the hurt?

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Yeah, I think, if you know, this was a hard one I've still been thinking about this one.

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There have been, I think, people I trusted and got close to quick because they filled a gap that maybe I'd been missing my whole life, and then to find out that, you know, they kind of hurt me too.

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But in the same sense that you're talking about, I'm trying to think if there's a specific person or place that I just place, that I just well, I can tell you that I have not gone and revisited my childhood home ever since my parents moved, for example, because it was a great place for me to grow up.

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My brother ruined it and so I don't want to go back.

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Because when I go back, unfortunately and this is a question I love answered, and you know, maybe it is somewhere out there, but why is it that the pain trumps the good?

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So now, when I think of my childhood home, instead of like all of the memories I had growing up there, it's trumped by his.

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Now, I don't know if it's because it was the last things that happened there before we had to leave, I'm not exactly sure, but I would say the house didn't do anything.

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I had great memories growing up, but I stay away, and I stay away from my hometown because my brother tarnished all of that and for me there's no reason to go back.

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So I guess the answer is yes.

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You know that wasn't a place that hurt me, and you'd think that you know there's a Miranda Lambert song that talks about I can't think of what the name of it is, but it talks about going back home.

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You know, and how those are the.

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I can't even think of all the words, but you know my.

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It says my favorite dog is buried in the yard and you know all those things, and that's true for me too, but yet I don't want to go back there.

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No, I get it, it's really a mix.

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Mm-hmm.

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No, I get it, it's really a mix.

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What do you think makes a person be the kind of person that has no regrets, or maybe we could word it in a way that a person who reflects back and knows for sure that this is the path that their life was supposed to take.

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That's a good question.

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That's a good question, a great one.

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I think it's about perspective.

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So for me, when we started talking about this, the only regret that I can actually come up with is when we had to say goodbye to my first dog, cooper.

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That was three years ago and I still struggle with it, and I think the reason is because it came somewhat unexpected in terms of it happened so fast.

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His last week of life happened so fast, and I don't know if anyone is ever truly certain that when you have to make the decision to end something's life that you love so much like my dog was my best friend I don't know if that part ever truly goes away when you have to make such a hard decision.

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So what do I think makes a person be the kind of person that has no regrets?

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I don't know if there's anyone that has no regrets.

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I think that it might be more like people who shift their perspective about them, kind of like what we talked about in the beginning OK, podcast.

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So right, you know, darn it.

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You know you wish that you would have made the time to go and see your friend before he passed away.

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We all know our days are numbered, but we don't know what their numbers come down to, and so we think we have more time, and I think, if you just think about it, that there were other things that you know.

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You knew in both of your hearts how important that you were to each other.

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But in this current season, or in this current chapter, I hope that you'll give yourself some grace and just know that your friend knew in his heart that you guys are important to each other.

00:21:49.279 --> 00:21:53.811
You know there's nothing you can do about it now, but you'll see him again, you know.

00:21:53.951 --> 00:22:02.835
No, and the thing is is that if I would be, if if I would walk down the street and see him today, he would know how much I cared about him.

00:22:02.835 --> 00:22:08.002
See him today, he would know how much I cared about him.

00:22:08.002 --> 00:22:13.915
So you know, it's that making sure that people know how you care about them, how you that that really is the most important thing.

00:22:13.915 --> 00:22:15.321
So here's.

00:22:15.501 --> 00:22:19.327
Here's how I can maybe put it into a little frame of reference.

00:22:19.327 --> 00:22:42.061
When we lost our baby boy May 5th 2018, I vividly remember several friends coming to me and, you know, wanting to get me out or wanting to do something with me, and I was so um I don't even know what the word would have been I I, I didn't want to leave my family like at all.

00:22:42.061 --> 00:22:42.523
I was.

00:22:42.523 --> 00:22:43.025
I think.

00:22:43.025 --> 00:22:45.662
I was afraid that, oh my gosh, is one of them going to be next?

00:22:45.662 --> 00:22:47.728
I want to spend whatever time I have left with them.

00:22:47.728 --> 00:22:59.445
So for a while, I didn't do anything with anybody else except my boys and my husband, because I felt very clingy, I felt like I really needed to be with them, because I didn't want to have any regret.

00:22:59.445 --> 00:23:01.189
I didn't want to let go of them.

00:23:01.189 --> 00:23:09.741
So I guess it all boils down to my original theory that we had chatted about.

00:23:10.242 --> 00:23:22.364
I think what makes a person have little regrets I guess I would say, or know that the path in their life was supposed to happen is simply knowing that everything happens for a reason.

00:23:23.066 --> 00:23:42.442
I have often thought and I've said this to my oldest son, who is a gifted athlete I started noticing about he's 10, and I started noticing about a year or two ago that there are some people who are jealous because he's so good.

00:23:42.442 --> 00:23:54.628
And so I started to tell him and I've said this to him every couple of months to just keep it in the back of his mind, and it's not to discourage him, it's because this is the reality of people.

00:23:54.628 --> 00:24:09.416
So I tell him that there are going to be people who love you because of your talent, who support you, who cheer you on, who are truly in your corner, and then there are going to be people who hate you because they are jealous of you.

00:24:09.416 --> 00:24:10.580
And jealousy is ugly.

00:24:10.580 --> 00:24:16.373
I tell him let mine in your dad's voice be the loudest voice that you hear.

00:24:16.373 --> 00:24:22.743
You tell him that all the time, and that's because I'm thinking that's so good.

00:24:22.763 --> 00:24:24.509
Oh my gosh, I love that.

00:24:24.980 --> 00:24:38.648
Thank you, thank you, it's it's because you know you notice things and then you try to pass them on because you need to know who you can trust and who you can't, and so I want them to know that you keep doing you, you keep doing you.

00:24:38.648 --> 00:24:44.308
You listen to your mom and dad's voice and you have to block out the people who don't matter.

00:24:44.750 --> 00:24:45.592
I'm going to use that.

00:24:45.592 --> 00:24:48.624
I'm going to steal that.

00:24:49.026 --> 00:24:51.506
You can, you can, and any listener can too.

00:24:51.506 --> 00:24:56.467
I think it's true, whatever the talent is that your kid has or that you have.

00:24:56.467 --> 00:24:59.053
Jealousy is ugly, but you know it's going to happen.

00:25:00.508 --> 00:25:01.653
It goes into everything.

00:25:01.653 --> 00:25:06.231
It goes into everything where you know my kids are bullied.

00:25:06.231 --> 00:25:14.942
My kids have a difficult time period with some peers and I want them to hear my voice louder than theirs.

00:25:15.502 --> 00:25:16.144
Absolutely.

00:25:16.526 --> 00:25:24.471
And even maybe their inside voice, where their voice is telling them negative things about themselves, and for them to listen to us louder.

00:25:25.240 --> 00:25:25.862
Absolutely.

00:25:25.862 --> 00:25:40.967
I feel like if we start that young, it's just like if you have the drug talk age-appropriate drug talk with your kids about don't use because of this I think that it really sticks with them better than if you don't have any talk at all.

00:25:40.967 --> 00:25:48.329
That's just my opinion, but that's why I've wanted him to know, as I've seen already at such a young age.

00:25:48.329 --> 00:25:53.150
I mean, who would have thought at such a young age you'd have to see this from you know.

00:25:53.150 --> 00:26:02.047
But I just thought no, if I tell him that now, hopefully he'll remember it and it'll stick, especially when he needs it the most.

00:26:02.940 --> 00:26:05.786
You know, going back to regret.

00:26:05.786 --> 00:26:09.534
It's so easy to go there.

00:26:09.534 --> 00:26:13.451
I've seen so many forks in the road in my life.

00:26:13.451 --> 00:26:23.166
I think that the things that matter the most this fits perfectly with what you were just saying is that family and friends.

00:26:23.166 --> 00:26:25.553
I want them to know how I feel.

00:26:25.553 --> 00:26:31.952
Everything else doesn't really matter when it comes down to it at the end of the day.

00:26:31.952 --> 00:26:49.166
I have literally said to myself in decisions well, this will not even be a thought in my last days, but time with my kids and making sure that my family and friends know that they are important is really all that matters.

00:26:49.166 --> 00:26:54.424
I want my kids to know where they came from and I want them to be able to pass it forward.

00:26:54.424 --> 00:26:58.461
I want them to put God first and feel the love and joy.

00:26:58.461 --> 00:27:01.586
Other than that, it doesn't matter.

00:27:02.907 --> 00:27:07.035
I can remember my friend who was so about her mom.

00:27:07.035 --> 00:27:18.334
She was very fortunate to have a mom until she was 60 years old and she made her mom feel like she was a queen, like she was the most important person in her life all the time.

00:27:18.334 --> 00:27:22.951
And when her mom passed, you know she said to me I'm okay.

00:27:22.951 --> 00:27:29.026
She said that she was okay because she had nothing left unsaid, nothing was undone.

00:27:29.026 --> 00:27:32.088
Everything was awesome between the two of them.

00:27:32.088 --> 00:27:39.626
They had their closure she needed and she never had any regrets because she always made her mom feel the most special.

00:27:40.440 --> 00:27:47.703
So I think that actually answers your question that you would ask before this of how someone lives with no regret.

00:27:47.703 --> 00:27:51.152
You say what you need to say when you need to say it.

00:27:51.152 --> 00:27:57.901
Tell the people you love that you love them, Make them feel special because they are, and spend time with the people who matter most to you.

00:27:57.901 --> 00:28:00.461
So that brings me to.

00:28:00.461 --> 00:28:03.522
That triggered a memory.

00:28:03.522 --> 00:28:14.247
I remember being in church one day and our pastor was talking about this very thing and it was when her husband passed away and she said oh, it sucks.

00:28:14.247 --> 00:28:18.648
And I cry every single day still to this day, and this is years later.

00:28:19.328 --> 00:28:21.269
She gives herself that time to grieve.

00:28:21.269 --> 00:28:26.431
But she said I'm going to be okay and I have no regrets.

00:28:26.431 --> 00:28:30.492
And I remember her looking on the stage and her saying she has no regrets.

00:28:30.492 --> 00:28:35.015
And at that time, something I needed to say to someone, I said it.

00:28:35.015 --> 00:28:50.887
You know, I really started like okay, get, get some of this stuff out.

00:28:50.887 --> 00:28:53.339
You know, if you've been wanting to say this to this person or see this person, go and do it.

00:28:53.339 --> 00:28:54.443
And so I really did.

00:28:54.443 --> 00:28:57.653
I started kind of checking those regrets off, if you will.

00:28:57.653 --> 00:29:03.321
Um, but again, more of the things I didn't do, kind of like the quote you were alluding to earlier.

00:29:03.321 --> 00:29:07.703
It wasn't anything that I did do, it was the things I didn't do.

00:29:08.464 --> 00:29:14.847
So I think ever since then it really just spoke to me that everything happens for a reason.

00:29:14.847 --> 00:29:27.413
We make time for the people and the things that matter most to us and so if someone matters to you or something matters to you, you need to find a way to make sure that they know, or it knows or it's checked off your list.

00:29:27.413 --> 00:29:43.619
You know, I'm a big, I'm a big bucket list planner, seasonal and just in my own life, of where I want to travel and so, or you know even things that you want to do to improve your home.

00:29:43.619 --> 00:29:49.844
It's really neat when you write those things out and you start to make a plan and then you can start checking them off and checking them off and sure things come up and kind of disrupt what you have.

00:29:49.844 --> 00:29:57.144
But I think the more intentional we are, the better off and the less regret we will have.

00:29:57.945 --> 00:30:17.762
You know, I used to have a list of my friends, a list of my friends and this is so weird, but the reason why I did it was because life goes by and you'll say, oh, a month or two went by, or maybe even months or a year, and you haven't checked in with that person.

00:30:18.565 --> 00:30:32.980
So I used to and I'm going to go back to this where I had a list of friends and I would actually check every couple of weeks and put a check next to their name to make sure that I checked in with them.

00:30:32.980 --> 00:30:41.442
I love that and it was the it and I would add people or you know whatever I needed to do to make sure you know what.

00:30:41.442 --> 00:30:45.795
I need to make sure I check in with this person in a couple weeks and I would put their name down.

00:30:45.795 --> 00:30:48.582
So then I would make sure that I would do that.

00:30:48.582 --> 00:30:57.923
So I mean that's, it's those kind of things that we could do to, you know, make sure that the people know that they are that important to us.

00:30:57.923 --> 00:31:06.773
You know, I think another side of this too, is that doors close, it's hard.

00:31:06.974 --> 00:31:07.875
It can be hard.

00:31:08.395 --> 00:31:10.547
Yeah, but a door can close.

00:31:10.940 --> 00:31:24.990
And for us just not to have a regret over a closed door, just sometimes they do, and it could even be a family member or something, and we just have to realize that it's just a closed door.

00:31:25.680 --> 00:31:41.563
You know, there's a saying in AA that goes and I say it often and even sometimes daily, and I'll emphasize different parts of the prayer it's a serenity prayer, oh uh-huh, but God grant me the serenity.

00:31:41.563 --> 00:31:55.252
And then I'll just say, whatever day it is, you know, god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and sometimes I will just say it over and over to accept the things I cannot change, to accept the things I cannot change.

00:31:55.252 --> 00:32:08.666
Or, if it's a different situation, the courage to change the things I can and I'll just say that over and over and the wisdom to change the things I can and I'll just say that over and over and the wisdom to know the difference.

00:32:08.666 --> 00:32:15.067
So I cannot tell you how many times that that has gotten me through, for me to understand and accept the things that I can't change.

00:32:15.067 --> 00:32:16.751
I can't change it.

00:32:16.751 --> 00:32:20.346
Yeah, it is, and if it's a closed door, it's a closed door and that's just the way it is.

00:32:20.346 --> 00:32:24.076
And if it's a closed door, it's a closed door and that's just the way it is.

00:32:24.759 --> 00:32:59.142
And if it is something that we can change and we want to or need to, then we just need to, we need to, we need to do it so I can't remember where I read this probably some, maybe some psychology magazine or something online but it said that there is actual scientific proof and power of speaking these words not these words in particular, but speaking words say it's positive affirmations or it is the serenity prayer, whatever it may be, but actually them.

00:32:59.142 --> 00:33:09.641
And in fact I'm trying to dig back in my memory archive I think it was a National Geographic article.

00:33:09.641 --> 00:33:33.153
If I remember correctly, that was talking about how train stations in Japan I want to say how they go through a verbal four-step process before they let a train go, and it was like okay, like the person who's going to hit the button for the train would say, okay, doors shut.

00:33:33.153 --> 00:33:36.724
Okay, you know, lights on or whatever's working.

00:33:36.724 --> 00:33:55.414
It goes through this whole process and it talked about how it saved a woman and her son because she got stuck in one of the doors and because it spoke the protocol as they were looking the speaking like, the more senses that were involved, the less amount of error there was.

00:33:55.414 --> 00:33:59.586
So I've read those things the more senses involved, the less amount of error.

00:33:59.605 --> 00:34:11.443
And then I've also read about how actually speaking something that you are reading, for example, or want to remember, or you are preaching to yourself has a huge benefit.

00:34:11.443 --> 00:34:25.045
I don't remember what the percentage was, but that you know, the more that you feel it believe it type of thing, pretty fascinating to me.

00:34:25.045 --> 00:34:27.210
So because I never believed, I'm like, well, why can't I just say it in my head?

00:34:27.210 --> 00:34:27.972
And then I, and it's still.

00:34:27.972 --> 00:34:34.088
It's actually very unnatural to me and I wonder if it's natural to anybody else to.

00:34:34.088 --> 00:34:45.155
Okay, so if I have some positive affirmations I don't think I really ever say them out loud I'll repeat them in my head, but speaking them but it's supposed to give life.

00:34:45.155 --> 00:34:45.737
So you know what?

00:34:45.737 --> 00:34:47.188
I'm going to give myself homework.

00:34:47.188 --> 00:34:49.315
I'm going to do that over the next week.

00:34:49.315 --> 00:34:57.074
I'm going to start speaking the truths or whatever it is that I need to tell myself and believe and see how it changes things.

00:34:58.956 --> 00:35:17.996
Well, I'll tell you, coming out of the eclipse and everything that we did and the experience with my friend, it changed me and I know that you know it's so new and it just happened and but I really believe that I feel different.

00:35:17.996 --> 00:35:34.568
But I really believe that I feel different and I really came out of it believing that I want to stop allowing you know things to bother me so much and just to go get things and just to go really live life.

00:35:34.568 --> 00:35:35.990
I had that.

00:35:35.990 --> 00:35:46.570
I had it, but I lost it along the way because I'm constantly putting out little fires everywhere all the time.

00:35:46.570 --> 00:36:01.907
All I'm doing in my life is correcting my kids and you know, I have all these things on top of me and all these responsibilities or this appointment, and I stopped really living and enjoying.

00:36:01.907 --> 00:36:07.396
And so I came out of this saying you know what?

00:36:07.396 --> 00:36:08.780
I'm going to get that back.

00:36:08.780 --> 00:36:11.610
I don't want to live like that anymore.

00:36:12.972 --> 00:36:17.385
I love that and I so hope you do, and I know how determined you are that you will.

00:36:17.385 --> 00:36:19.327
I feel similarly.

00:36:19.327 --> 00:36:31.717
There are two things I wanted to share before we have to wrap up, and the first thing is, when we came back home from our trip in the mountains recently, I just our countertops in the kitchen being messy.

00:36:31.717 --> 00:36:44.989
Messy meaning, you know, you have a stack of papers here, you have the dirty dishes here and you have more papers over here.

00:36:44.989 --> 00:36:47.396
We just don't have a lot of space in our home.

00:36:47.396 --> 00:36:50.530
It, it just.

00:36:50.530 --> 00:36:52.914
It amped my anxiety up.

00:36:52.914 --> 00:36:54.318
I just the clutter.

00:36:54.318 --> 00:36:55.742
I don't like clutter.

00:36:55.742 --> 00:37:00.494
So if you could see the room that I'm in now, it's my office slash playroom.

00:37:00.494 --> 00:37:02.197
Everything has a bin.

00:37:02.197 --> 00:37:05.849
I like you know the Legos have a bin and the dinosaurs have a bin.

00:37:05.849 --> 00:37:06.833
I like that.

00:37:06.833 --> 00:37:10.590
And so then you know what you're getting when you pick that out and you can put it away.

00:37:10.871 --> 00:37:11.655
We're so similar.

00:37:12.184 --> 00:37:18.994
Yes, in the same spot because I hate being able to see all the stuff and I hate being all up.

00:37:18.994 --> 00:37:33.838
So I spent my husband does not know this yet, but I spent a little bit of money to get some organizational stuff delivered to our home here this week because I need that.

00:37:33.838 --> 00:37:42.731
I can't live amongst the junk and you have to keep some of the school papers and you have to keep the recipe.

00:37:42.731 --> 00:37:45.757
It needs to just have an organized place.

00:37:45.757 --> 00:37:47.418
So I'm working on that.

00:37:47.418 --> 00:37:52.210
The other thing that I am I'm really disappointed in myself.

00:37:52.210 --> 00:38:19.355
I don't know that I go as far to say as it's a regret or anything like that, but I turned 40 last year and before that I had watched this show with Chris Hemsworth and just talked about how the decade of your 40s is a pivotal decade for health, for your mind, for your well-being and how really eating right, exercising, staying fit this decade is important.

00:38:19.355 --> 00:38:19.976
It's crucial.

00:38:19.976 --> 00:38:30.505
You know, after this your brain starts to shrink this is what my mom's neurologist was even talking about and it's just important to keep yourself active.

00:38:30.505 --> 00:38:36.768
So I was gung-ho about it and I got fit for my trip and I was really eating right.

00:38:36.768 --> 00:38:51.028
Making lots of healthy decisions tore my whole 400 square foot deck apart, cut it into four foot pieces, laid Trex decking down, just figured it out by myself, and stayed active, stayed active.

00:38:51.028 --> 00:38:51.791
That was all the way through November.

00:38:51.791 --> 00:38:58.911
Then we got sick and I was in the hospital for pneumonia and that was all of January.

00:38:58.911 --> 00:39:03.291
Then February comes and you know you're still tired and recovering.

00:39:03.291 --> 00:39:16.755
And then March comes, and now you've made all the excuses of why you're not going to go out and do this or that anymore to stay healthy and next thing you know all of the weight that you lost is back, and how quickly that all happens.

00:39:16.835 --> 00:39:34.108
And I'm still sitting here trying to answer the question why is it not good enough that I want to do everything I can to try to live my best, healthiest life for myself and for my family when I was so gung-ho about it nine months ago, why now is it so much harder?

00:39:34.108 --> 00:39:48.164
And I feel like the reason is I don't have a set thing that I'm working toward, like when I was for my Hawaii hike, the Kalalau Trail but at the same time it's like but this is longevity here that we're talking about, and so I can't figure out why I can't get myself on board.

00:39:48.164 --> 00:40:03.036
I think it's going to help now that where we live the weather's turning for the better, but I feel like I wish that wouldn't stop me and I am very frustrated that I haven't been able to hit that motivational button somehow.

00:40:03.036 --> 00:40:08.802
So I started to read Atomic Habits by James Cleary, is it?

00:40:08.802 --> 00:40:22.976
And I'm trying to start to understand the whole four-step process of why motivation in and of itself isn't going to help and isn't even the necessary driver.

00:40:22.996 --> 00:40:25.585
So I'm in the middle of trying to figure out come on, tina, get yourself going, you know.

00:40:25.585 --> 00:40:29.572
And why can't you just do it for the purpose of longevity?

00:40:29.572 --> 00:40:38.414
So I'm reading the book and I'm hoping, really hoping, to get back in shape, but I think it's because of the things that you were just talking about.

00:40:38.414 --> 00:41:13.476
There's so you only have so much energy in a day and I gotta tell you, my three children and sometimes the husband exhaust me to the point that I feel like a zombified robot some days and I'm like I don't have the energy left to work on me because I literally need to just sit in a quiet room and do absolutely nothing.

00:41:13.556 --> 00:41:22.882
I couldn't even keep going, and it is about longevity for me too, and I'm one of the heaviest I've been and I'm doing all the right things.

00:41:22.882 --> 00:41:37.280
So I'm really frustrated and so I got up off the couch and I made myself walk three miles on the treadmill and I'm just going to keep doing it.

00:41:37.280 --> 00:42:04.384
And you know, I want to be here as long as I can and I want to be the best that I can while I'm here too, and, like I said earlier, I want to pass on the good things about myself to my kids, where they can then pass that on to theirs out myself to my kids, where they can then pass that on to theirs.

00:42:04.403 --> 00:42:05.105
So it's really critical.

00:42:05.105 --> 00:42:09.246
It is critical.

00:42:09.246 --> 00:42:10.027
I've got to get myself in gear.

00:42:10.027 --> 00:42:11.391
I really do, or I need to change my habits.

00:42:11.391 --> 00:42:18.722
Maybe I need to go to bed a little sooner so I can get up a little earlier and integrate waking up with a morning walk or something like that.

00:42:18.722 --> 00:42:19.646
I've even seen these.

00:42:19.646 --> 00:42:20.547
I don't know if you've seen them.

00:42:20.547 --> 00:42:26.789
I don't have space for a traditional treadmill, something you know big, I just don't.

00:42:26.789 --> 00:42:33.494
But they have these like walking pads that are like mini treadmills that you could even store underneath your couch.

00:42:33.494 --> 00:42:35.947
That's something I thought about.

00:42:36.487 --> 00:42:37.690
That's kind of what I I have.

00:42:37.690 --> 00:42:53.559
It doesn't have the railings or anything, nothing to hold on to, it's just a flat thing and it has all the electrical parts to it where I know my calories, I know my miles, I know all that stuff and I really love it I love it.

00:42:54.465 --> 00:42:56.889
That's what I'm thinking of getting because I work from home.

00:42:56.889 --> 00:43:01.976
So even in between my work or while I'm working, I mean I could be getting.

00:43:01.976 --> 00:43:05.880
Maybe I could get three miles in during the workday, you know.

00:43:06.505 --> 00:43:07.369
That's what I try to do.

00:43:07.885 --> 00:43:15.619
There's got to be a way for me to better incorporate it, especially if I don't want to go outside on a really cold or yucky day.

00:43:15.619 --> 00:43:19.896
Now, this is kind of what lit a fire under me.

00:43:19.896 --> 00:43:27.916
My awesome 93-year-old neighbor had a little bit of a health issue and he's been in a rehabilitation facility for the last few weeks.

00:43:27.916 --> 00:43:38.634
Well, I went to see him a couple days ago and his wife was talking about how her sister, who lives in another state, is 87 years old and she still walks four miles a day.

00:43:38.634 --> 00:43:41.833
And I thought and no weather stops her.

00:43:41.833 --> 00:43:43.893
And I thought I have no excuse.

00:43:43.893 --> 00:43:45.550
I'm less than half her age.

00:43:45.550 --> 00:43:47.356
Making up excuses.

00:43:47.356 --> 00:43:48.889
This is ridiculous.

00:43:48.889 --> 00:43:54.297
Do what she does, 87 years old, walks four miles every single day, no matter the weather.

00:43:54.297 --> 00:43:58.552
And no, she does not live in Florida, she lives in Indiana.

00:43:58.552 --> 00:44:01.648
So there's just no excuse.

00:44:01.648 --> 00:44:02.411
The weather.

00:44:02.429 --> 00:44:03.652
And no, she does not live in Florida, she lives in Indiana.

00:44:03.652 --> 00:44:04.233
So there's just no excuse.

00:44:04.233 --> 00:44:08.786
Yeah, I have a 90-some-year-old lady who's a friend of mine on Facebook.

00:44:08.786 --> 00:44:19.054
I've known her for a while and she had a cardiac issue recently and then she disappeared from Facebook for like a week because she was in the hospital.

00:44:19.054 --> 00:44:30.153
She had some stuff done and then the next pictures of her are in, you know, working out, and she's in her 90s and I'm just like, if you can do it, I can do it.

00:44:30.635 --> 00:44:33.432
Yes, yes, let let them be our inspiration.

00:44:34.065 --> 00:44:34.387
I think.

00:44:34.407 --> 00:44:35.853
I think that's a great way to end it.

00:44:35.853 --> 00:44:36.126
Let.

00:44:36.427 --> 00:44:36.929
I think so.

00:44:37.405 --> 00:44:39.092
Older people be our inspiration.

00:44:39.092 --> 00:44:40.411
If they can do it, so can we.

00:44:40.411 --> 00:44:45.175
So here is the homework I would say for our listeners.

00:44:45.175 --> 00:44:52.014
If you will I don't even like to call it homework here's a challenge Go out and do the thing that you've been wanting to do, you've been waiting to do.

00:44:52.014 --> 00:44:53.768
Take that first step, at least.

00:44:54.331 --> 00:45:01.548
Take the first step, get off the couch and get on the treadmill.

00:45:01.548 --> 00:45:06.423
Yeah, and make that phone call and make the list of your friends and check in with them and you know pass check off.

00:45:06.423 --> 00:45:11.655
Yeah, pass, pass on the things that you want your children to pass on to their children.

00:45:12.376 --> 00:45:17.552
I don't know there's just I would say tell the people you love that you love them.

00:45:18.414 --> 00:45:18.693
All right.

00:45:18.693 --> 00:45:21.920
Well, thank you so much for listening here at Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

00:45:21.920 --> 00:45:28.157
I really hope that you got something out of this episode and we will see you next time.