Reading someone's Trauma or Triggers is a Love Language

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk. I am Tina.

Speaker 2: 0:11

And I am Ann. You know, last time Tina and I were together, we had quite a few quotes that we talked about. I have thought about that episode so many times. You said something so profound, tina. While we talked about the quote, god won't give you more than you can handle, tina, you said a twist on that which I really hadn't thought about before that God does give us more than we can handle and that's when we lean on Him, which makes complete sense, because you know God could maybe remove people, places and circumstances in our life. So we completely rely on Him.

Speaker 1: 0:53

Yeah, I truly think that my perspective on that is I don't think it's true that he doesn't give us more than we can handle. I think he absolutely does, so that we do shift our focus to lean on Him, because you know, we can't do these things on our own. I'm honored you thought that that perspective was so profound it really was.

Speaker 2: 1:14

I mean, you know, I think I've been living that way, but it was just not really a way that I had heard it before. You know, you can think something or hear something maybe, and for some reason it just strikes you differently.

Speaker 1: 1:28

Yeah, it's so true, and sometimes it's. All you need is that perspective change. Well, this week we're going to continue with talking about a few quotes, and I know that we were going to dive more into how trauma looks so differently for everyone.

Speaker 2: 1:41

Yeah, what we are actually needing or how others' reactions either help or hurt us too. I mean, the last episode, it was said that understanding someone's triggers and trauma is a love language, and that was something that you also said. That really hit me and that you had said that. You know, I was really good with my kids on being able to read their trauma and triggers and I really had never really thought about what I was doing or what we sometimes do for other people as a love language. But understanding someone's triggers and trauma is a love language. That was so beautifully said. That is a true gift that we can give someone being able to advocate for them and understand where they are and get the people in our lives or their lives that are around them to better understand them. I mean, that's just, that's such a gift. And we just started horse therapy and I know you know we often talk about connections on the podcast. There is nothing like an animal connection, I know, but a horse, I mean that's really special. And my son, who is not calm at all. He is a 10 year old crazy kid just jumping all over the place all the time, major ADHD, and he was nose to nose with a horse and he was so calm brushing him and you could just feel the calm. And the owner actually said that my son was calming the horse because the call the horse had a hip thing going on and in and was limping in. She said, well, he's actually helping the horse. So that was pretty awesome. But you know, every time we go to therapies or talk to the schools or whoever we have to talk to, I find myself having to try to get people to understand my child you know, sometimes it's advocating, but it's just a deeper conversation trying to get them to know the core of who he is or my other two kids too, because all three of my kids are actually in equine therapy and just trying to get people to understand them, because every single one of my kids and really every single person is just so different and it's a different conversation for each person, so each person has a different love language, each person has a different way of showing trauma.

Speaker 1: 4:16

It's so amazing that you are finding all of these different ways to support each one of your kids, and some of them it's the same therapy and others it's different. But you're really truly speaking that love language quote that we talked about last week.

Speaker 2: 4:30

Yeah, it doesn't matter what you've gone through. It shows different on everyone. There is no exact science to healing or how long it takes for someone to heal, Even though I wish there was.

Speaker 1: 4:41

I mean, that is so, so true. You know, don't you feel like how there's this range of emotions when something goes wrong, or you're experiencing trauma, or or you're grieving? You know, it's not like, oh, once you're out of the anger stage it never comes back. Or denial, it never comes back, or whatever quote stage of grief it's. It's so funny to me that they're actually called stages. It's not like when one is done, you, you don't go through it ever again. You know, that's just the weird part about stages to me makes it seem like, well, once you move past that one, you're on to the next and you're not going back to that one. But certainly doesn't work that way in grief and healing and many other aspects of life, does it?

Speaker 2: 5:23

Well, I mean, I, I know so many people and I've never known anybody to grieve the exact same way or go through anything the exact same way. So you know, people do write books about this stuff and they say the, the stages, but there is no exact way for any and there's no wrong or right. You know I've mentioned how I went through something pretty horrific that I don't normally talk about on here. I kind of dance around it once in a while but one of the worst things that anyone has ever said to me was someone actually from a church, a very judgmental church person, who said to me when are you going to get over that? And you know I had gone to them about something that had happened and that was. Their only reaction was when are you going to get over that? I, I still can't believe that that person said that. Of course, this person is toxic to me and I've chosen to not have them in my life or this church in my life. We've talked about ridding of toxic people on this podcast many times. So well, with this toxic person or a toxic establishment, you know, I've rid of them and I encourage anybody to get rid of anybody or anything that's super toxic to you and I'm a lot healthier because of it Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 6:49

Setting boundaries is hard. The person that you're setting them against isn't going to like it, but that's when you you know you need to create that space, because toxicity is is not healthy for any of us and oh, I hate that somebody actually said that to you. There are some things that you just don't say. That is absolutely on my top 10 list. You know. I had someone say to me before I was just talking about this earlier today with a friend and we were talking about when someone dies, not is it better to know ahead of time so you can prepare, or for it to be a sudden shock. My take on it is hard, is hard, and they're they're equally hard, but in different ways, and I've had people tell me before, with my mom's diagnosis of early onset dementia, that it's a gift that I can be able to be intentional with my time with her, and I thought this disease being described as a gift is not even close to any word I would describe it. So I'm in the same boat with you. Not necessarily the people saying this are toxic, it's just sometimes you just don't say certain things. No, no, I walked in their shoes, you know, you don't. You don't need to say certain things.

Speaker 2: 8:11

There are words that do not bring comfort yeah, I, you know, I think that maybe just being there for somebody and not kind of directing how they should feel or think in the situation that they're in, I mean, I had both my parents die and different my, my dad died in an instant with a massive heart attack and there was no preparation. And then my mom did have cancer and we had a couple months, only a couple months, to prepare for that because she declined so quickly. But loss is loss and I, I honestly don't even know if there's a, you know your mind can really prepare for it, because I think that there's always hope. Sorry that people said that to you about your mom or what's going through. You know what you're going through.

Speaker 1: 9:05

It's not okay, you know, sometimes you just have to remind people that you know you don't always have to say something, you could just be the listening ears. You know what I mean exactly.

Speaker 2: 9:18

Just come up and sit with me.

Speaker 1: 9:20

I've said you know I'm going through something, so that's so important, just to be with a person who's hurting one of the other quotes I know I wanted to talk about was something that reminded me of children, and it was feelings or seeking support, not solutions, by Becky Kennedy you know, I'm not sure what I was looking for when I talked to that lady again, but with you saying that quote, you know I went to her.

Speaker 2: 9:49

I wasn't looking for any kind of a solution. I'm not really sure what exactly I was looking for. But when you go to somebody now I was in my 20s when this happened to me too. I mean, this was so long ago and a church leader had done something to me and the person was disciplined and the church knew about it. This person knew about it. But when the person said to me, you know had said to the church, well, there was some fault at my part and there wasn't, and all I had done was ask the church to kind of recognize that, and I think I would have moved on sooner if that validation was there, if the church would have been able to say you know, you were a victim. I don't like that word, but you were the one where this happened to you, right? We are sorry that it happened to you. It never should have happened to you, right? Instead of when I ran into this person many years later and I was like you know, did you ever like come around and see it for what it really was and be able to recognize that and say that to me. And she just simply said to me you know, when are you going to get out over that? And I think that that was the thing that she could have said. So again, I knew that she was still in the same place, that establishment was still in the same place and I just walked away and it's just like you know what. I don't want anything to do with you guys at all. I wasn't really looking for anything but validation.

Speaker 1: 11:26

I guess I honestly, I made a loss for words that that happened, but a similar scenario played out for me recently and I was absolutely dumbfounded by the lack of accountability, responsibility, no apology for something that happened several months ago. So I'm in the same boat as you. I think I was gaslighted though is the only difference and was told that I was the one that was insane and that it didn't really happen. And it was like no, we were both there. It absolutely did happen. Therefore, you are toxic. Therefore, there is no access to me and my family now, and that really stinks. But you know what. You have to look out for you absolutely, and I learned long ago to accept an apology I would never get. I know what was said, I know what was done and I know that I can protect myself and my family from this person. So I just stay away, and they need to stay away too.

Speaker 2: 12:27

You know, sometimes we do have to walk away from toxic people. You know, I love the quote that you said in our last episode that God says he will come back for the one. And you just kind of said that quickly and I was like, wait a second. You know, I lost my job after that happened and I was working at the church at the time and I mean it was just to help me in college, just a side thing, and I lost it because of me just bringing the church, you know, bringing awareness to the church of what had happened. And then they had a meeting and decided behind my back that they didn't want me there anymore. And I was just like who does that? And you know, they came out to me, the one pastor, and he had asked me to leave and I felt like I was being rejected by God. I mean, it was just such a new person with God. I had just been introduced to the concept of God and believing and all that stuff, and it was a brand new thing to me. And there I was, standing in front of this person that had brought me, or helped bring me, to believing in God, and I was looking at him and it was like a rejection from God. I mean, I really did think that God didn't want me, and so you know that that quote he will come back for the one really hit me.

Speaker 1: 13:58

I'm so glad that it had an impact on you. I don't feel like he's exactly come back for me yet, but I'm not losing hope and I'm going to give you another quote to answer that. You know, the strongest metal is forged in the hottest fire. I read that recently and I believe that to also be true and just kind of ties along with what you were saying how you felt like you know you were new to God and following him, and then this happened and you felt rejected. But you know, look where it brought you now.

Speaker 2: 14:31

Yes, absolutely. You had said in our last episode that trust is so hard for you.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Yeah, trust is is really hard. I know it's the basis of every relationship. Now, it's not. Trust isn't hard with every relationship. I, you know I feel like this will be a hypocritical statement, but once trust is Established between you know, like my husband and I, we have trust. My kids and I, you know, you and I, you know my other friends and I, my dad and I, my mom and I, you know, you know you have all these different trusts, relationships formed, but for some reason, trusting God is very, very hard for me in this season, because I don't understand what is happening and I do feel so often like he has left me and he's supposed to come back. But where is he? And I don't understand why things feel as though they are spinning out of control. And then I remind myself feelings or indicators, not dictators. But it is this vicious Cycle and you would think, well, if he's shown me before, he being God, that he is there and he has gotten you through and you've established that, why is it so hard for me now? I don't really have the answer to that question. I don't know if it's because I feel like I've been bruised and battered and I don't know how much. You know, fight. I have left in me some days, you know to to keep pushing and trying to tell myself yes, I believe there's a reason, it'll all make sense at some point. I don't really know, but that that's actually the season I'm in exactly right now. But I'm trying really hard to to figure out.

Speaker 2: 16:18

Trust isn't easy for me either. I don't Trust very many people. I keep my circle pretty small. I actually have a lot of friends, but they are all people that I really trust and I and, and you being one of them I think that that's why we do real talk is because I don't have time for the fake and, you know, I can kind of sort through and figure out who's really for me and who isn't really for me. So I guess that that's what it kind of comes down to who's for you and who isn't. Yeah, no, that's, that's absolutely true. You know, we talk so much about advocating and it is so hard to continue to stick up for yourself and what we Believe in, what you believe in. When people with high authority are the ones with judgment and when they reject you, like what happened to me, I mean it feels absolutely awful to go through something like that. It reminds me of my book, the simple woman from Luke 7. The heads of the church, the ones that were supposed to be loving without judgment, looked at the sinful woman in judgment while Jesus knew her heart, and there is nothing that makes me more mad than watching people getting judged and I always say you don't know them, you don't know their story. You know, you had a quote One does not have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient. By Charles M Blow. Maybe that's how you say so, but that is exactly what happened to me in that situation I just just described. Let's say it slower. One does not have to operate with a lot of malice to hurt greatly. The absence of empathy or Understanding or, like I was saying, validation is enough to do great damage.

Speaker 1: 18:16

Boy, can I relate to this one. This one really struck a chord with me. You know, I recently did a hiking adventure in Hawaii. I did the Kalalao Trail and the sweet friend that I went with we learned a lot about each other. When you know, when you're with someone for just 10 days straight, you really learn a lot about each other. And one of the things that really did hurt me was and to this day I I think she is great, but our friendship has taken five steps back because she lacks empathy and understanding. And it was something that was plain, obvious when we went on this trip together and you know, sometimes when people ask me about my trip, it's been, it was fantastic. But those who know that I went with a friend were like, well, you didn't really mention her much and it was almost like we did two separate trips, same adventure, but we had two separate Trips, experiences, however you want to describe it. In some ways, a lot of hurt was done to me Because there was no empathy or understanding for my, my fear of a part of the trail or for my anxiety. Nothing that seemed to me, you know, out of the ordinary, like I wasn't this crazy, awful friend, nothing like that. I was very kind and understanding, but I did not get that in return, and I think it's hard when you're a big feeler which is what I am to be with someone who's complete opposite. So I'm not saying anything bad about this person. I'm just saying that We've definitely taken steps back in our friendship because you learn a lot about each other and sometimes you're just not as Compatible as you had sought or hoped, and that's okay. Still would like to be friends at a surface level, and that's enough for me.

Speaker 2: 20:13

Yeah, it reminds me of that bullseye, you know, visualization, where you know you have the most trusted people in the very center and then it moves out from there and and you know it's not doing anybody any harm, to keep them within your circle, but maybe further out in the bullseye, you know, I mean that's absolutely, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 20:35

And I don't even know if I can fully explain the experience with this friend. It's just, it's really something more that I feel.

Speaker 2: 20:43

And it's a thing within yourself where you know that somebody really isn't meeting where you need to be and there's nothing wrong with that. And you know it doesn't take much at all to do for somebody to just give you that little bit of validation and say, tina, this was what you needed on the trip and this you know. It just takes a few little words, like with my conversation with that person. All they needed to say was, yes, you did go through this and I'm sorry that you went through this and the smallest amount of time and energy to do that. It doesn't take hardly anything at all for somebody to meet you where you are, you know, to just give that simple sorry, to give you what you need.

Speaker 1: 21:29

Yeah, two words. I'm sorry. It shouldn't be that hard you would think, but it is. It is really hard for some people. That's why, long ago, I had to learn to accept an apology. I'd never get, you know.

Speaker 2: 21:41

You know you said another quote that words not matching action is called manipulation and refusing to be held accountable for it is called gaslighting. So you know I laughed because this was my childhood and obviously in other situations as well, you know my mom would do the craziest stuff and then say it didn't happen. And that is just. It's crazy making that's the term I always used In that situation that I just talked about. The person who did what they did said it happened differently.

Speaker 1: 22:19

Well, like I said, that just happened to me with a family member. You know, I was told I'm insane that something didn't happen and wasn't said. That absolutely wasn't, it was very inappropriate. And I thought, no, I'm not insane, I was there, I heard it, you were as repulsed as I was, but for some reason now you have either blocked out the real or you're delusional. I don't even know what the term is I would use for this person, but I was legitimately flabbergasted when they approached me and said that. So yes, I have absolutely personally experienced this just recently and, yes, I prefer crazy making over the term gaslighting. But that is there, they're one in the same and it really, really stinks.

Speaker 2: 23:09

It really messes with your mind, and then you start doubting yourself, and you were supposed to be trusting the person in the room, but they are the one that is messing with your mind, for just a second.

Speaker 1: 23:21

I was like wait what you know it, mess with me for a second. And I was like, oh no, I know what's going on here. I know what I heard, I know what I saw, I know what happened and I am not for one second going to let them try to manipulate and turn this around and do the crazy making you know one of your quotes was we must learn who is gold and who is simply gold plated.

Speaker 2: 23:48

And oh my goodness, the world is full of fakes and that is why we are real here. Like I said earlier, we are the Velveteen rabbits, we are worn because we are real the ragamuffins, the misfits, but we are real here. And, yeah, there are a lot of people out there who are gold plated.

Speaker 1: 24:10

Yeah, and I think that it's so important that you find out who is true gold and who is the fool's gold. Because those people who are the fool's gold, I'll tell you they're only in it a relationship or whatever friendship job, I don't know. You could really take it and span the gamut, but they're only in it for something for themselves and they don't really have your back. They're not loyal. And I think it's important that you figure out who those real, true 14 karat gold friends are and who are the fool's gold, and you start reading them out and you start pushing them a little bit farther away from your inner circle.

Speaker 2: 24:48

It doesn't take much for somebody to recognize who somebody is at their core. When we're relating with people and not the question, and to give a validation, just meet people in the most simplest loving ways. It's not that difficult to really do.

Speaker 1: 25:10

No, or it shouldn't be anyway. You know, kindness is not that hard.

Speaker 2: 25:15

I think it comes down to just entering into relationship or conversation without judgment.

Speaker 1: 25:22

Oh, that's good, yeah. Or about, you know, trying to think about what might be in it for me, or trying to think already of what you want to say in response. I think it's so important that we are better listeners.

Speaker 2: 25:37

We just should not compare people to where we are or where we think that they should be, because everybody's journey is different.

Speaker 1: 25:45

Yes, absolutely. And you know what I think the most important thing is? Can't we just all love each other, right where we are?

Speaker 2: 25:51

Yeah, you think I?

Speaker 1: 25:54

think it would make things a little bit easier for everybody, yeah.

Speaker 2: 25:59

I do too. To be real, like we are here, we absolutely have to go into relationship without judgment and love people where they are. I say that all the time. Even the teachers always quote me and say, like you always say, you know, to meet the child where they are, to meet a friendship where they are, to meet a parent where they are. I mean to expect people to be in a certain place or a different place than they are, we can't expect us to really go into a true relationship with them. So we just need to love and acknowledge and validate and advocate and do all those things for each other. It's really not that hard.

Speaker 1: 26:40

It is not Well. Before we go, I wanted to thank you all so much for listening. We can't wait to see you next time, and I know that Ann has one other announcement.

Speaker 2: 26:48

Yeah, I think that you guys will all be excited about this, because we have been mentioning a little bit that we got picked up by wdjyfmcom on Sundays at 11 o'clock and you will hear real talk with Tina and Ann if you go there, and we are just so excited to have that little extension. So you know, we weren't expecting that, so we just hope if you want to tell anybody to go to wdjyfmcom on every Sunday at 11 to 12 o'clock. We also have our YouTube channel now on everything spectrum, and the reason why I have it on everything spectrum is it used to be my autism channel and I was going to make a completely different channel, but I had a lot of followers and the other part of that was that I realized that mental health is a spectrum. Everything that we talk about here is a spectrum. So I've converted it into just what we're talking about here and it's on everything spectrum. So Fantastic. Yeah, it's really exciting, but anyway, we're moving in the right direction and we're growing and we're shaking and all that great stuff. So anyway, thanks again so much for doing this journey with us, this life journey with us. So we thank you so much for listening.

Speaker 1: 28:22

Absolutely. Thank you, have a wonderful day and we'll chat next week.