Not Perfection but Preparation: An Interview with Ann Marie Thrives

WEBVTT

00:00:08.465 --> 00:00:10.047
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne.

00:00:10.047 --> 00:00:13.228
I am Anne and we have a special guest.

00:00:13.228 --> 00:00:15.451
Her name is Anne-Marie Thrives.

00:00:15.451 --> 00:00:17.913
I am so thankful to have you on.

00:00:17.913 --> 00:00:21.434
Anne-marie is an Amazon bestselling author.

00:00:21.434 --> 00:00:27.721
You are a speaker and a life coach Amazon bestselling author.

00:00:27.721 --> 00:00:28.582
You are a speaker and a life coach.

00:00:28.582 --> 00:00:29.545
We connected immediately.

00:00:29.545 --> 00:00:33.573
The first time that we spoke I felt and I knew that you were someone that I wanted to have on.

00:00:33.573 --> 00:00:39.472
But I have to say I have watched some of your interviews with you and we are a kindred spirit.

00:00:40.560 --> 00:00:46.219
The words that came out of your mouth are many times the words that I say here on the podcast.

00:00:46.219 --> 00:00:56.610
We have a saying on our podcast that there is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey, and I would say that that pretty much describes your journey.

00:00:56.610 --> 00:01:11.212
I love that you are a coach to people who are hurting and you actually say on your website we Thrive at Life that this is for people who are stressed, tired, sick and have lost hope.

00:01:11.212 --> 00:01:16.397
And I love this because you have first-hand experience at life.

00:01:16.397 --> 00:01:24.677
You're not that person who's like says that they're this inside-out coach just because you think that you have the answers.

00:01:24.677 --> 00:01:29.269
You've actually lived it and that is why you are able to walk through this journey with people.

00:01:29.269 --> 00:01:32.549
Anne-marie, I am so glad to have you on this podcast.

00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:35.746
It's a pleasure to have you in my life.

00:01:35.746 --> 00:01:42.507
Just the first time we met, I felt the same way, and so I just feel so blessed to be in your space.

00:01:42.507 --> 00:01:54.641
And's a blessing to be here, and I'm honored to be here to be able to chat and hopefully help some people out there that are hurting that you know are on their last thread.

00:01:55.284 --> 00:02:00.381
Yeah, that's our purpose for this podcast and, I'm sure, your platform as well.

00:02:00.381 --> 00:02:13.382
But first of all, could you tell us a little bit about your story, and I know that you went through quite a few times in your life where you were just bombarded with major traumatic hurdles, one after another.

00:02:13.382 --> 00:02:16.951
So can you talk a little bit about what you would like to?

00:02:16.991 --> 00:02:21.307
share, sure, from, I think, the time I was in my very early 20s.

00:02:21.307 --> 00:02:26.093
I was kind of bombarded, like you said, with accidents, car accidents like one after the other.

00:02:26.093 --> 00:02:28.247
You know like was kind of bombarded, like you said, with accidents, car accidents like one after the other.

00:02:28.247 --> 00:02:35.228
You know like, every couple of years some crazy person would just ram behind me or run a stop sign or things like that.

00:02:35.228 --> 00:02:38.901
And the one of the major, and it would hurt different areas, you know.

00:02:38.901 --> 00:02:43.388
And so one of the major ones was where I was moving.

00:02:43.388 --> 00:02:43.688
I had.

00:02:43.688 --> 00:02:56.671
The major ones was where I was moving and, by the way, they also came at times where I was making I was fed up with where I was making changes to broaden my life, broaden my sphere, whatever you want to call it.

00:02:56.671 --> 00:02:57.717
You know, go to the next, and then they would happen.

00:02:57.717 --> 00:03:06.165
And so the first one was the most major one was in my mid-twenties, where I was moving to a new place because I had just gotten the best job of my life.

00:03:06.165 --> 00:03:09.508
At that time I was playing, a lot of money and I loved the people I was working with.

00:03:09.508 --> 00:03:17.419
I was temping for a while and then everything kicked in October 1st, you know, my insurance, my package, I'm on with them full-time.

00:03:17.419 --> 00:03:44.147
And then on the 20th, as I was moving my things to be closer because it was about almost an hour from where I was living to be closer because it was about an almost an hour from where I was living as I was driving down the moving my things in the one of I didn't know this at the time, but the wheel fell off and the cars just went everywhere and I ended up with a, with a brain injury and being, you know, paralyzed and unable to walk or get out of bed or any of that, for a good while.

00:03:44.147 --> 00:03:55.365
I don't remember the exact amount of months, but it was quite the journey to get back, having to relearn all of these things and get my mind and my body back to a place where I could flourish.

00:03:55.365 --> 00:04:01.793
And not too long after that, the same thing happened again, maybe five, six years later, I'm not sure.

00:04:01.793 --> 00:04:03.560
I don't have all the timelines.

00:04:04.388 --> 00:04:15.068
So as these things kept happening, you know there became a time where I started thinking to myself you know, man, god, you got a big baseball bat up there for me.

00:04:15.068 --> 00:04:21.892
You know, just whack, whack, whack, and I didn't have a healthy relationship with God.

00:04:21.892 --> 00:04:35.689
I mean, I saw him as that type of person, instead of a loving father that really these things are being allowed for a reason and because of my religious background, I thought that they were happening because of the things that I had done in life.

00:04:35.689 --> 00:04:48.877
I mean, I didn't murder anybody, but I still was kind of going to the left instead of going to the right, and so I had to get my life and my mind straight with what the Word really said and to move forward in a way that would be honoring to God.

00:04:48.877 --> 00:04:51.944
And I started looking back, especially in the past few years.

00:04:52.004 --> 00:04:55.600
I've also, you know, had breast cancer and had to come out of that.

00:04:55.600 --> 00:05:09.211
You know, just looking back and taking an assessment, you know, like a big assessment not, you know, because I teach taking regular assessments of ourselves so we don't go off the rails and just really seeing that, wow, this happened.

00:05:09.211 --> 00:05:11.788
But I always look for the silver lining anyway.

00:05:11.788 --> 00:05:39.014
But it was just something that recently happened and it just brought me to this place of where I'm looking back and I'm seeing all of the things that happened as something that happened for me instead of to me, so that I'd be in a place where God wants me to be now, and all of those things that happened contributed to who I am right now, what I believe right now and how I handle things right now.

00:05:39.339 --> 00:05:40.362
Did those things hurt?

00:05:40.362 --> 00:05:40.704
Yes.

00:05:40.704 --> 00:05:41.987
Was I angry with God?

00:05:41.987 --> 00:05:42.468
Yes.

00:05:42.468 --> 00:05:44.392
Did I come out of that anger?

00:05:44.392 --> 00:05:48.362
Yes, I'm able to live a thriving life like we talk about.

00:05:48.362 --> 00:06:04.471
I'm not on cruise control anymore, just kind of going through life, and the Lord showed me how to turn things around so that I could just go from that place of having the abundant life that he wants me to have, and how to train my mind to have that abundant life.

00:06:04.471 --> 00:06:10.290
Because everybody's brains need training, you know, so that we can create good habits.

00:06:10.290 --> 00:06:26.120
But for somebody who's been through a traumatic brain injury, the training is a lot more intense, because the things that you think you should know and should come quickly to you and easily to you don't always there's a lot of temporary amnesia, if you will.

00:06:26.120 --> 00:06:37.403
Where you know you can't recall what that thing is called right in front of you, or you know, maybe there's memories of things that happened in life and you just have no recollection of them.

00:06:37.824 --> 00:06:41.673
And then one day you start thinking and it was like, oh yeah, that did happen.

00:06:41.673 --> 00:06:52.267
And now I remember having to just kind of get myself out of those things and accepting them for what they are, but also not accepting staying there forever.

00:06:52.267 --> 00:06:53.728
I'm not going to allow.

00:06:53.728 --> 00:06:55.129
I'm in control.

00:06:55.129 --> 00:06:57.511
God is in control, the Spirit is in control.

00:06:57.511 --> 00:07:03.154
The brain injury is not in control, even though sometimes it thinks it is, though sometimes it thinks it is.

00:07:03.154 --> 00:07:20.127
I just rely on the Holy Spirit and God to guide me through, because, although our minds are capable of handling all of these things and remembering things and just so much information, there are times where it's just not, and it affected your walking as well.

00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:20.961
It did.

00:07:21.422 --> 00:07:21.742
It did.

00:07:21.742 --> 00:07:23.264
It affected my walking as well.

00:07:23.264 --> 00:07:28.374
I walk a little bit differently, but I'm still walking, and that's the main point.

00:07:28.374 --> 00:07:29.821
It's all about perspective.

00:07:30.040 --> 00:07:31.442
I love that perspective.

00:07:31.442 --> 00:07:47.016
You have been through so much and there has been so much loss and grief woven into your story and I'm sure, as you said, it was very hard some days to put one foot in front of the other, and I just don't mean literally.

00:07:47.459 --> 00:07:50.810
Yeah, there were days that it was very difficult to move.

00:07:50.810 --> 00:08:00.470
There was a whole process to that moving, you know, because I had been flat for so long because of the way that the break was in my vertebrae.

00:08:00.470 --> 00:08:05.610
It broke clean across no fragments, which was a good thing.

00:08:05.610 --> 00:08:11.033
And when it broke it went in and it was an eighth of an inch from severing the spine.

00:08:11.033 --> 00:08:19.141
So the doctor, I had thought it would be best because they can't flip me over, because if I flip over then I might sever, it might just break.

00:08:19.601 --> 00:08:26.213
So I was flat for a very long time, months, and then I went from that to an inversion.

00:08:26.213 --> 00:08:45.692
They ordered a brace for me, an inversion table to where you know, every day I would do 15 to 20 minutes on the inversion table because when you're laying down for so long, when you try to get up, if you can get up, all the blood rushes from your brain and you know you can faint and so there were exercises for that.

00:08:45.692 --> 00:08:49.652
And then the brace came in and let's see if you can walk.

00:08:49.652 --> 00:08:55.990
You're going to put me on the inversion table with the brace on and with crutches and people all around me so I wouldn't fall.

00:08:55.990 --> 00:09:00.451
So there was like this whole process of getting back into putting one foot in front of the other.

00:09:01.179 --> 00:09:08.782
And everything is a process and I heard you say on a podcast not perfection, but preparation.

00:09:08.782 --> 00:09:18.167
I mean that could be the title of a book and talk about a book Esther in a little bit, but you do have another book coming out.

00:09:18.668 --> 00:09:19.009
Thank you.

00:09:19.009 --> 00:09:25.255
My new book is Diary of a Fat and Mourning Post-Pandemic Woman, and in that I wrote it.

00:09:25.255 --> 00:09:26.801
I was writing it through COVID.

00:09:26.801 --> 00:09:33.514
One of my brothers passed during COVID and so did he have COVID or he passed during that?

00:09:34.100 --> 00:09:57.870
time, I am not certain, because his body was so wracked with the way he had lived his life that it just got to the point where he just wasn't doing well, he had passed out and they took him to the hospital, and because he was in Italy and we were here, you know, and he didn't have directives in place, we really didn't know.

00:09:58.131 --> 00:10:07.264
We didn't have a lot of information, which was very frustrating, you know, he ended up passing, and so I talk about grief and the emotions of grief and how I got through the grief.

00:10:07.264 --> 00:10:10.900
I also talk about addiction, whether it's food or alcohol or drugs.

00:10:10.900 --> 00:10:23.880
There's hope for those who want to live a better life, but also not just what happened to grief for losing people, but grief of coming through COVID right, because a lot of us had to shift.

00:10:23.880 --> 00:10:39.203
We had to do different things, people had jobs that they've had, you know, their entire lives or you know all that stability that we may or may not have been familiar with is now no longer there, or we have to find new ways to be stable in life.

00:10:39.203 --> 00:10:42.852
So it's about grieving those things in life that were ours.

00:10:43.181 --> 00:10:47.511
That's really interesting because my entire life changed after COVID.

00:10:47.799 --> 00:10:57.720
I was an assistant director at a school for kids with autism and I have three littles with autism and they're actually my grandkids, who I ended up having to adopt.

00:10:58.019 --> 00:11:11.636
And so many times my life has just completely shifted because when you get the phone call that says you have to come get them now and I had just become an empty nester like a month out and I had to go get them.

00:11:11.636 --> 00:11:25.152
So and they've been with me ever since and we adopted them and you know, now it's been eight years, but when COVID happened I have one of them was immunodeficient and so he couldn't return to school.

00:11:25.152 --> 00:11:31.421
When everybody else returned to school and I even had a doctor note and everything, and yeah, it kind of changed my life.

00:11:31.421 --> 00:11:44.414
And what you said earlier really resonated with me too, because I think I needed to leave that job and I think that I wouldn't have left if certain things happened and God kind of made it happen.

00:11:44.414 --> 00:11:53.179
And now you know, there's so many more blessings in the life that I have now, so I'm very thankful that it went the direction that it did.

00:11:53.421 --> 00:11:56.044
Yeah, and that's another testimony of life.

00:11:56.044 --> 00:11:56.725
God.

00:11:56.725 --> 00:12:02.480
God is making life happen for us and not to us.

00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:03.423
People say that.

00:12:03.423 --> 00:12:05.210
I mean, I said it, used to say it a lot.

00:12:05.210 --> 00:12:06.822
Why is this happening to me?

00:12:06.822 --> 00:12:16.620
You know, like it's happening to me, but I look back and I think it happened for me because I may walk different, but that reminds me of what God brought me through.

00:12:16.620 --> 00:12:22.221
You know, I may think different, but that reminds me of the greatness of God and what he brought me through.

00:12:22.642 --> 00:12:29.073
When I had to change professions, it was like this was where I was supposed to be all along, having those changes in COVID.

00:12:29.139 --> 00:12:32.394
This is where I was supposed to be all along, you know, and so it's.

00:12:32.394 --> 00:12:51.535
There's like this progression of okay, you went through this and now you're going to go through this, but it's all building you up to be this and that's what I see now, even in the tragedies of accidents and cancer, you know, and losing people we love One year we lost 18 people in 17 months.

00:12:51.535 --> 00:13:00.967
They were key people my dad, my uncle, my best friend from high school, who I've known since I was 14 years old, my little partner in crime.

00:13:00.967 --> 00:13:05.400
I used to talk to her like all day long, pick up the phone and be like you won't believe it just happened.

00:13:05.400 --> 00:13:08.528
You know like she's right here.

00:13:08.528 --> 00:13:14.313
But all for the good, you know, because God always for me, works things out to the best.

00:13:14.313 --> 00:13:15.035
Do I miss them?

00:13:15.035 --> 00:13:18.873
Oh yeah, they're in a better place and I know I'm going to see them again there.

00:13:18.873 --> 00:13:27.263
There's just that piece there that every single person brought something to me that is vital for me to move forward in one way or another.

00:13:27.663 --> 00:13:29.350
And some of the deaths were.

00:13:29.350 --> 00:13:35.090
You could see it coming and you knew that it was going to happen and it was a hard road to get them there.

00:13:35.090 --> 00:13:42.429
But in the end you just take the moments that you have and you become, you know, try to be at peace with them.

00:13:42.429 --> 00:13:51.782
And there's, you know, like I said, there's those emotions that you go through when you're getting through grief, and those emotions are important to our healing.

00:13:51.782 --> 00:14:03.607
And to bypass them and put them to the side or to wallow in them, you know, is going to be how healthy or how well we come out from that situation.

00:14:04.168 --> 00:14:17.230
Not all grief is healthy, you know, when it's normalized and it becomes to the point where that's all you're thinking about all day long and you can't move forward with anything, even the good things that are around you.

00:14:17.230 --> 00:14:29.513
Something needs to give because that toxicity, it goes from being something that's healthy, that you go through, that you get out of you, as opposed to something that stays internalized and stays in you.

00:14:29.513 --> 00:14:36.023
And then you know what happens to a bottle of soda when you uncork it, right, so that happens in our bodies.

00:14:36.023 --> 00:14:44.014
When we don't, when we're not dealing with any, you know whether it's grief or trauma or anything that happens to us that really shakes us up.

00:14:44.014 --> 00:14:48.009
Internalizing it in our bodies leads to other things that we may not want.

00:14:48.009 --> 00:14:48.951
That I know we don't want.

00:14:49.200 --> 00:15:11.126
One of the things that you said on a podcast, which I really also loved, was that you used the analogy of driving and looking in the rearview mirror and you don't want to look for very long, it's just like a brief look and then you keep moving forward and if you keep looking back I think what was her name?

00:15:11.126 --> 00:15:21.381
Anita Adams, maybe on the podcast yeah, she said, well, you would crash, you know, I mean, if you keep looking back, you're going to crash.

00:15:21.381 --> 00:15:28.249
It resonated with me so much when you said that you know, because there's been times in my life that I've looked back for too long.

00:15:28.249 --> 00:15:32.659
Yes, and it really did start taking me in the wrong direction.

00:15:32.659 --> 00:15:42.289
So you said you go back forever for the lessons, but not to necessarily revisit the trauma.

00:15:42.289 --> 00:15:46.022
It's to take the lesson and move that forward with you.

00:15:46.363 --> 00:15:46.864
Exactly.

00:15:46.864 --> 00:15:50.591
It's just to take the piece of whatever it is that you needed.

00:15:50.591 --> 00:16:00.866
That's needed for this part of your puzzle right now, because you can also swerve and get out of your lane and we need to swim in our own lanes.

00:16:00.866 --> 00:16:06.047
We need to have blinders on to go towards the path that's for us.

00:16:06.047 --> 00:16:21.672
Yes, we need to see what's happening so nobody hits us from the side, but also to stay focused enough to where you're not looking at someone else to see what they're doing if it's not going to be beneficial to you, because that comparison is a thief.

00:16:22.131 --> 00:16:24.346
Oh my gosh, it's one of the worst things.

00:16:24.801 --> 00:16:32.327
I feel, you know, god made us in His image, but there was three of them, right, it was God, jesus and the Holy Spirit.

00:16:32.327 --> 00:16:38.671
So we're made in their image and I believe that we each have a piece of that image.

00:16:38.671 --> 00:16:42.811
And so if we each have a piece, then we're our own piece.

00:16:42.811 --> 00:16:51.408
We can't all be the same piece in a puzzle, because then there wouldn't be a picture, just a jumbled piece of parts that amounts to nothing.

00:16:51.408 --> 00:16:58.611
And so when we do compare, we take ourselves out of that puzzle, because we all can't be the head of the horse.

00:16:58.611 --> 00:17:03.184
Some of us have to be the legs, some of us have to be where the saddle goes.

00:17:03.605 --> 00:17:18.332
Yes, I have three very different kids Well, I have five altogether, but my three littles and one of them has so many disabilities that he's pretty low functioning, and he's the oldest.

00:17:18.332 --> 00:17:27.653
So he's always comparing himself to the other two who are doing a little better, especially the youngest one, and you know it's really hard for him.

00:17:27.653 --> 00:17:37.406
But we have found out that he's an amazing drummer and so we're really pushing that and he's going to drumming a couple of times a week and everything.

00:17:37.406 --> 00:17:43.303
And I'm like but your sibling can't do this and they can't do this, but you can do this.

00:17:43.303 --> 00:17:46.569
So let's not focus on what you can't do.

00:17:46.569 --> 00:17:50.885
Let's look at the things that you can do, because not everybody can do everything.

00:17:50.885 --> 00:17:53.372
Plus, everybody has a different story.

00:17:53.372 --> 00:17:56.825
We don't know where they've come from along the way.

00:17:56.825 --> 00:18:01.713
We can't compare ourselves at all because our stories are completely different.

00:18:02.180 --> 00:18:03.923
Well, let's talk about Esther a little bit.

00:18:03.923 --> 00:18:13.950
Esther was a woman who was known for her courage, and she probably is one of the most courageous women in the Bible.

00:18:13.950 --> 00:18:20.464
In spite of all the danger, she never backed down from what was right in order to save her people.

00:18:20.464 --> 00:18:29.336
And as a woman, you know, I very much appreciate her and maybe you could share more about her story and why you wanted to write about her.

00:18:29.336 --> 00:18:35.500
Where were?

00:18:35.519 --> 00:18:38.162
you in life when you decided to put pen to paper about this particular woman in the Bible.

00:18:38.162 --> 00:18:40.383
Well, I had done several stories, bible studies on Esther.

00:18:40.383 --> 00:18:41.624
Well, I had done several stories, bible studies on Esther.

00:18:41.624 --> 00:19:15.387
One of the Bible studies that I was doing on Esther was during the time that I had just was like moving around after the whole breast cancer situation and all the surgeries were over, and I had a friend of mine who invited me to the Bible study and so I was like, okay, so I'm venturing out, you know, still feeling a little, you know can't move too much, you know whatever, and so it was at someone's house and it was such a special time.

00:19:15.387 --> 00:19:21.474
But also during that time my best friend was the one that I taught.

00:19:21.474 --> 00:19:57.465
Her name is Chris and I just remember in my notes in the Bible study that I had written down where she because when I went into the surgery she didn't have any more family that was alive, so I was basically her family and I remember, and she's a physician's assistant, and so when I but she was recovering from elbow surgery and so she said to me, you know she was kind of like in a low place and she said you better not die on me because if you do I'll kill you.

00:19:59.911 --> 00:20:17.300
Right, I go into the surgery and you know they, it was like 10 hours and then they, you know I was in after recovery, you know, after the recovery room, they put you into ICU and and I just pardon me, I just remember saying to the nurse I just need my phone.

00:20:17.300 --> 00:20:18.844
And it's like midnight, you know.

00:20:18.844 --> 00:20:24.714
But she's because she's, you know, going through the situation, her days were her nights and everything was messed up.

00:20:24.714 --> 00:20:31.182
I remember calling her and saying I'm out of surgery, I'll talk to you tomorrow, everything's okay.

00:20:31.182 --> 00:20:53.359
So, anyways, a few months later, I'm part of the study and I'll just never forget, putting the note at the top of the, because she went through this whole mental situation where her body just, you know, shut down, she had sepsis, she didn't know it from the surgery, you know, and the nurse was like calling me every few hours to let me know what was happening.

00:20:53.359 --> 00:21:02.403
And because of the surgery that I had gone through, you know, I couldn't really sit in the car or whatever gone through, you know I couldn't really sit in the car or whatever.

00:21:02.403 --> 00:21:06.153
But the Lord gave me the strength because she said to me, she said, you know you may want to come and I can't drive.

00:21:06.153 --> 00:21:08.685
My husband has to drive me, so I have to work around his schedule.

00:21:09.067 --> 00:21:31.846
And I remember, and it was like the middle of the night and she told me she doesn't have much longer and I said okay, and I came out you know when we talk about emotions and there was just this righteous anger in me and I I put my phone on the on the dresser, and I put my hand on the dresser and I looked at my husband and I said should we go?

00:21:31.846 --> 00:21:32.587
Should we stay?

00:21:32.587 --> 00:21:33.471
I don't know what to do.

00:21:33.471 --> 00:21:35.053
I really don't want to see her.

00:21:35.053 --> 00:21:37.525
If she's passed and if I see, do I want to see?

00:21:37.525 --> 00:21:50.403
I'm just going through all these things in my mind and I said if, if I and I put my hand on it, if I drive all the way down there and she's gone by the time I get there, just like her, I'm going to be really pissed, and so at that.

00:21:50.403 --> 00:21:59.124
Then I heard my hand was vibrating, right, like the whole thing was, and I looked down and I picked up the phone and it was the nurse and she said I'm so sorry.

00:21:59.124 --> 00:22:03.660
And I picked up the phone and it was the nurse and she said I'm so sorry she just passed.

00:22:03.660 --> 00:22:06.300
So that was my.

00:22:06.320 --> 00:22:08.426
It was like God took care of everything for me, right?

00:22:08.426 --> 00:22:13.521
And so I remember in the Bible study where I put that date and I remember the, I wrote it because of I needed to be courageous.

00:22:13.521 --> 00:22:19.922
At that moment I felt like Esther, because it's like do I go into the king, do I not go into the king?

00:22:19.922 --> 00:22:39.320
And I was all about the self-care because I really needed to care for myself and not put myself overboard, you know, driving when I'm not supposed to be driving and doing things that I'm not supposed to be doing at a time where I'm supposed to be convalescing, right, and a lot of women, they won't put themselves first.

00:22:39.320 --> 00:22:42.842
They put everything else first, but they don't put themselves first.

00:22:43.383 --> 00:23:03.191
And so, coming from a place of self-care because I had to do a lot of self-care in order to get better, and so the book is all about I was always interested in like I started getting interested in essential oils because I remembered that Esther had that one year of preparation, because I remembered that Esther had that one year of preparation, right, and it was like how am I preparing?

00:23:03.191 --> 00:23:06.813
It was like all of these things like how am I preparing my heart for Jesus?

00:23:06.813 --> 00:23:08.693
Because it's preparation for the king.

00:23:08.693 --> 00:23:14.517
I mean, she's going before him and they have to do a whole year of preparation before they go in.

00:23:14.517 --> 00:23:26.525
Now, he's our king, but he's also our God and our Father, so we can go in when we're not prepared and just throw ourselves before him.

00:23:26.525 --> 00:23:30.030
So we don't have to go through this whole process.

00:23:30.030 --> 00:23:45.054
But we do have to go through a process sometimes in order to come in a manner of worship, because worship takes time, it takes preparation and it takes a certain amount of humbleness to come before the king.

00:23:45.500 --> 00:24:03.931
And then her bravery to put her fear aside, because literally the law was, if you go in without being summoned, you're going to die, and so that was one of her fears and she fasted and she prayed and the Lord gave her the plan.

00:24:03.931 --> 00:24:07.409
When she did that, she didn't go in guns, a blazing.

00:24:07.409 --> 00:24:12.330
She knew she needed help and her help was through prayer and through fasting.

00:24:12.330 --> 00:24:19.144
So it kind of related to me with the situations that I went through because I didn't know how to walk.

00:24:19.144 --> 00:24:23.084
Again they're telling me I'm not going to be able to, but I'm not going to believe them.

00:24:23.444 --> 00:24:26.881
You know, I'm going to believe God because he heals all things right.

00:24:26.881 --> 00:24:34.063
Whether he heals them on this side of the earth or on the other side into heaven, we all get healed right.

00:24:34.063 --> 00:24:35.265
That's my belief.

00:24:35.265 --> 00:24:46.770
There's just different facets of it that just really touched my heart about her life she was taken to places that she didn't want to be taken to right.

00:24:46.770 --> 00:24:49.942
They were captured and basically brought into the harem.

00:24:49.942 --> 00:24:55.941
So did you get captured in something that caused you to now have to live a different life?

00:24:55.941 --> 00:24:58.605
You know like for me it was the accidents, the cancer.

00:24:58.605 --> 00:25:03.253
You know it's causing me to kind of be captive for a minute because I can't move.

00:25:04.262 --> 00:25:06.319
And now I have to live life differently.

00:25:06.319 --> 00:25:08.587
And how am I going to prepare for that life?

00:25:08.587 --> 00:25:31.454
The book is just the different, you know, it starts with history and then it starts with her, and then it goes to prayer and then, right before the book launched, I was doing some promotions on Facebook and I was just led to do like 10 days of like a novel, like from her perspective, you know, of like going into the king and I'm so scared.

00:25:31.454 --> 00:25:32.516
Is he going to accept me?

00:25:32.516 --> 00:25:33.396
Does he remember me?

00:25:33.396 --> 00:25:41.446
I've only been with him once, you know, and so you know her peeking in and you know like what her thoughts might have been at that moment.

00:25:41.446 --> 00:25:50.464
Because the same way that we approach God I mean you know you are God and you love me and I'm your daughter, but I've done this Can I approach you with this?

00:25:50.464 --> 00:25:51.167
Is it okay?

00:25:51.167 --> 00:25:51.820
You know?

00:25:51.820 --> 00:25:52.806
Can you forgive me?

00:25:53.861 --> 00:25:59.093
So, just from those angles, I just look at her life as she put herself aside.

00:25:59.093 --> 00:26:06.488
You know she put her feelings aside, she put her the fact that you know, and then I'm a Jew, here, I am before you.

00:26:06.488 --> 00:26:15.625
You're going to be killing my people and you might kill me first, because I never told you A life of secrets that we may not be able to come forth with until a certain time.

00:26:15.625 --> 00:26:18.751
So all of these things always intrigued me about her.

00:26:18.751 --> 00:26:27.875
But being a cosmetologist too, you know, with all the chemicals and the oils and all that, that was, you know, also very appealing to me.

00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:34.834
So I took all of those things that I really admired about Esther and just kind of turned them into a book.

00:26:34.834 --> 00:26:48.986
So they were like all my notes from different Bible studies, like the history and, you know, doing extra history, because they don't give you all of it and a lot of us can go through life and never acknowledge God, but that fingerprint is there.

00:26:48.986 --> 00:26:53.130
Same thing with Esther God was never mentioned as God.

00:26:53.130 --> 00:27:07.232
It was just this presence behind everything that was happening with them Because some people live quiet Christian lives was happening with them, you know, because some people live quiet Christian lives, but their lives are a candle to what's really going on in the background.

00:27:07.252 --> 00:27:13.203
One of the things that I really related with her was her spirit.

00:27:13.203 --> 00:27:19.009
I mean, she just had this diehard you know, never give up spirit.

00:27:19.009 --> 00:27:59.882
And she was an orphan and I was adopted and, like I said, I adopted all of my kids and I just had a different path than a lot of other people that I knew and she was strong in spite of and going through hardship can make you very strong, and we often say on the podcast that we reach forks in the road and call and I always call them mile makers where something happens in our life and it's marked and we're never the same and we can choose right then what road we want to go on.

00:28:00.103 --> 00:28:05.721
It's true, it's true, we have that choice and she had a choice too, you know.

00:28:05.721 --> 00:28:11.394
She had a choice to listen to what Mordecai was saying, take it to God in prayer and see what to do next.

00:28:11.394 --> 00:28:16.130
Because even when she came into the harem, right, she had a choice to rebut.

00:28:16.130 --> 00:28:19.500
And to you know, but she did the same thing that Daniel did.

00:28:19.500 --> 00:28:26.826
She took her heritage with her and, in a way, recognizing that there's authority over me right now.

00:28:26.826 --> 00:28:34.873
But, you know, they had to eat a certain diet because they couldn't eat foods according to their laws that were, you know, in the same way that Esther did.

00:28:34.873 --> 00:28:44.068
He was strong, he was bold, but he recognized authority.

00:28:44.068 --> 00:28:50.828
He submitted himself to that authority and he said, you know, is it okay if we have, you know, this food?

00:28:50.828 --> 00:28:56.307
And then, appealing to logic, right, test us for 10 days and see what happens.

00:28:56.307 --> 00:28:59.048
Right, knowing that he knows what's going to happen.

00:28:59.539 --> 00:29:00.903
And so the same thing with Esther.

00:29:00.903 --> 00:29:13.712
You know, she went in there and she was humble and she moved herself around and pivoted to where she was now and that gave her favor, I think, her humility and how she handled the situation.

00:29:13.712 --> 00:29:25.232
Maybe she was angry and perplexed, but she didn't show it and that humbleness to the authority that we're under and the things that we do, gave her that favor with.

00:29:25.232 --> 00:29:31.530
You know, because they gave her it said, they gave her maidservants and that they put her in a better room than everybody else.

00:29:31.530 --> 00:29:38.461
So she got upgraded, you know, for the way that she reacted to the situation and I was like be more like that.

00:29:38.842 --> 00:29:47.631
You know, because there, you know, there are upgrades, meaning you know, when we handle things in certain ways, different things happen.

00:29:47.631 --> 00:30:02.108
So when we, you know, handle them well, they turn out well, and when we handle them, you know, not well, they don't turn out well, and you may be handling things well and they're not turning out well, but in the end I know that they are because God is faithful.

00:30:02.108 --> 00:30:04.047
And so I think the same thing happened to her.

00:30:04.047 --> 00:30:08.632
She just relied on that favor and said, if I perish, I perish.

00:30:08.632 --> 00:30:13.948
But she put that fear aside, trusting God, and she was going to do his will, no matter what.

00:30:14.421 --> 00:30:39.041
I've lived times in my life where I just lived in fear, and I know that one of my worst times in life I was at a woman's retreat and a woman who was very well respected in the church came up to me and said God has big plans for you, and I feel like I'm supposed to tell you that and I took that message very seriously.

00:30:39.041 --> 00:30:58.532
You know, I believe that you have had that message given to you too, and you know there were so many times in my life where I could have went a different direction or that things happened, but I believed every step of the way that I needed to just be faithful and keep going.

00:30:58.532 --> 00:31:08.992
Trust the process is what I always say and that he would use me, and he wanted to use everything that I had been through and use me as a vessel.

00:31:08.992 --> 00:31:16.035
You know he wanted me to be able to reach others and help others with everything that I had been through for good.

00:31:16.335 --> 00:31:26.186
Yeah, and we need to have like a listening ear, because, having had as many accidents as I did, it's embarrassing to talk about because it's like what the heck is wrong with you.

00:31:26.186 --> 00:31:36.974
But I didn't really cause any of them in a sense, but I was waiting for them to happen, right, because I'm moving forward.

00:31:36.974 --> 00:32:09.289
Something's got to be, you know, because it happened last time, right, and I remember, like you, we were having like a women's tea Saturday kind of thing at the church that I was at years ago and we were just kind of talking and I had been through an accident at that time I think it was like my third one and I remember talking about and there was a lady sitting right next to me and oh cause, I said you know I need to get up, my back is hurting, I just go and walk around for a second.

00:32:09.289 --> 00:32:09.530
She goes.

00:32:09.530 --> 00:32:10.134
What happened to you?

00:32:10.134 --> 00:32:21.694
And I said, well, I said some lady ran a stop sign and just you know, my car went flying cause I was trying to avoid her and and so you know my back is just hurting and she goes.

00:32:21.694 --> 00:32:25.430
And I said you know, it's just another aggravation from another accident.

00:32:25.430 --> 00:32:25.711
She goes.

00:32:25.711 --> 00:32:26.942
How many accidents have you been.

00:32:26.942 --> 00:32:28.286
I said I lost count.

00:32:28.286 --> 00:32:30.772
And she goes, girl, she goes.

00:32:30.772 --> 00:32:32.545
The enemy is trying to take you out.

00:32:32.545 --> 00:32:34.388
You have a big call on your life.

00:32:34.388 --> 00:32:39.528
I don't know what you're supposed to be doing, but just that's why it's happening.

00:32:39.528 --> 00:33:00.402
And that was the first time, really, that I even acknowledged that it wasn't because and I was also, at the same time, breaking away from my traditional things that that I had been taught throughout life, right, because good things are supposed to happen to good people, and if good things aren't happening to you, you must not be good people.

00:33:00.402 --> 00:33:06.770
No, things happen because we internalize, we let things in and we live in a fallen world, right?

00:33:06.770 --> 00:33:11.909
And so so these, these two things are happening at the same time.

00:33:11.909 --> 00:33:15.502
And I started to see God for who he really was, you know that.

00:33:15.502 --> 00:33:20.030
And then the enemy for who he really was, that you know.

00:33:20.251 --> 00:33:29.867
And then other times, too, where I had taken one of my friends to, uh, to get her infusion done, and and, and her infusion took about four hours every time she went.

00:33:29.867 --> 00:33:54.871
So I would take her and I, you know, go to, like I don't know, panera or whatever, and I would sit there and I remember these two ladies, um, that that were there and I had just started, uh, coaching and that type of thing, and they're on and on and talking, and then, I don't know, they said something, and I usually don't do this, but I was like, oh my gosh, that just happened to me.

00:33:54.871 --> 00:34:09.469
I can't even remember what they said, but I kind of joined in on the conversation and they were like, they started talking and then I don't want to be rude, so I just went back to my thing and right before they left, one of them was like real friendly and whatever.

00:34:09.469 --> 00:34:12.442
The other one was a little bit more closed and she was already at the door.

00:34:12.963 --> 00:34:15.085
So she asked me for she's like, do you have a card?

00:34:15.085 --> 00:34:18.228
And I said yes, I do, and I was looking for it because I thought I had one.

00:34:18.228 --> 00:34:24.876
I gave it to her and then the other lady turned around and she said hey, and she goes are you in ministry?

00:34:24.876 --> 00:34:28.090
And I said no, she goes really.

00:34:28.090 --> 00:34:29.333
And I said no.

00:34:29.333 --> 00:34:31.039
I said I don't know.

00:34:31.039 --> 00:34:36.164
I said I'm just an entrepreneur, I'm a businesswoman, you know I don't, I don't have a, I have a ministry.

00:34:36.164 --> 00:34:36.764
And she goes.

00:34:36.764 --> 00:34:38.086
Well, she goes.

00:34:38.086 --> 00:34:45.780
I would think about that again, because I think you have a ministry inside you and I said, okay, thank you.

00:34:45.780 --> 00:34:59.596
And then I started thinking to myself what is this ministry that's supposed to be inside of me and that led to all of these things, you know, and being open to it because you know I'm an introvert, I don't like talking to people.

00:35:08.900 --> 00:35:11.226
I don't like putting myself out there, but here I am Talking about introvert.

00:35:11.226 --> 00:35:13.612
I'm actually autistic and if you know me really well, you would pick up on it.

00:35:13.612 --> 00:35:24.619
But I had to learn, and one of the biggest things with people with autism is being stuck, and I had to learn to become unstuck with things because of a lot of trauma.

00:35:24.619 --> 00:35:32.353
As a young person, you know, I saw myself, unfortunately, for way too long as a victim.

00:35:32.353 --> 00:35:42.271
Yes, and I saw myself as bad choices and being a victim was my path, and I do have to say.

00:35:42.271 --> 00:35:53.193
However, in spite of that mindset, I never gave up, but every day I would wake up and figure it out and find a way to move forward, even though it felt like everything in me was ready to quit.

00:35:53.581 --> 00:35:54.847
I feel the need to do this.

00:35:54.847 --> 00:36:01.630
So you can either be this V or you can be this V, but when you choose to become a victor, it takes over the victim.

00:36:01.630 --> 00:36:02.887
And now you've got a W.

00:36:03.532 --> 00:36:03.693
See.

00:36:04.144 --> 00:36:04.411
Yeah.

00:36:05.320 --> 00:36:13.489
Yeah, fortunately, I mean, that was a time in my life and I'm not there anymore, not even close.

00:36:13.489 --> 00:36:27.431
But you know, I needed to go through what I needed to go through in order to be this person today, and I wrote a book called the Sinful Woman, which is from Luke 7.

00:36:27.431 --> 00:36:36.527
And I just love that woman because she and I can't tell you how many times and I just had somebody ask me, oh, what's that about?

00:36:36.527 --> 00:37:06.963
Yeah, right, well, let me tell you about Luke 7 then, if that's how you want to ask me about it, because you know what I she was genuinely just wanted to do what God wanted her to do, like Esther and regardless of anybody else around her, and it didn't matter that others were staring at her, talking about her, judging her negatively, and she just believed in who she was and her faith in God, and she just kept going.

00:37:07.385 --> 00:37:09.150
And we have to do the same thing.

00:37:09.150 --> 00:37:15.144
And the neat thing is that they didn't have the scripture back then, but we do.

00:37:15.144 --> 00:37:20.043
And as far as the East from the West is how far God puts our sins from us.

00:37:20.043 --> 00:37:24.302
And if he's going to put them away that far, who are we to keep them in front of our faces?

00:37:24.302 --> 00:37:26.369
And I think we do that a lot.

00:37:26.369 --> 00:37:29.746
We just continue to rehearse the sinful person inside us.

00:37:29.746 --> 00:37:30.429
I mean it's continue to rehearse the sinful person inside us.

00:37:30.429 --> 00:37:33.108
I mean it's good to recognize when we're doing things wrong.

00:37:33.108 --> 00:37:36.367
Bring them before the Lord and pivot and change right.

00:37:36.367 --> 00:37:45.121
Do that repentance to carry that sin that the Lord already carried is like a slap in the face to him.

00:37:45.121 --> 00:37:48.288
Because it's like, you know, you're like a little kid going to the store.

00:37:48.288 --> 00:37:56.485
He says he's got your tab and you know you've got the candy, but you know you just feel like you just still have to pay for it, even though he already paid for it.

00:37:56.485 --> 00:38:01.114
You know, and we have to get out of that mentality.

00:38:01.760 --> 00:38:04.268
The Israelites were held captive.

00:38:04.268 --> 00:38:13.851
Yes, sometimes you know, like you were saying earlier, about that captive type of mentality and being stuck in it.

00:38:13.851 --> 00:38:32.181
Sometimes we make choices that make us captive and it was one of my very favorite things to do.

00:38:32.181 --> 00:38:32.923
I absolutely loved those women.

00:38:32.923 --> 00:38:33.945
I still think of them all the time.

00:38:33.945 --> 00:38:49.306
That was what prompted me to write the Sinful Woman and I would go every week and I would pray with women who were murderers and prostitutes and all kinds of things, and my way of loving them would be just to show up.

00:38:49.306 --> 00:39:17.753
Some of the most heartfelt, broken people I've ever met in my life were in the jail and I would worship with them better and more loved, feel more loved and get as much out of it as they were getting than when I go to a church you know a regular church and I think that sometimes that that's what you have to go through and what you have to become in order to really be our true selves with God.

00:39:17.960 --> 00:39:22.791
Yeah, and I, you know, I know that God, god, doesn't look at sin the same way that we do.

00:39:22.791 --> 00:39:28.552
You know, like we say, murder is worse than a lie, but to God, because he's so holy, sin is sin.

00:39:28.552 --> 00:39:36.112
And just feel like the scripture that came to my mind and I'm not sure where it is, but who's the most grateful?

00:39:36.112 --> 00:39:41.309
The person who sinned little or the person who sinned?

00:39:41.309 --> 00:40:06.605
And so the people who have done their worst, I think, are the ones who, oh, you know what I saw I think it was on Facebook, um, where there was this lady in this, really, you know, like a St John's suit, sitting in church in a pew, and and for those of you who don't know what a St John's suit is, it's just, it's like a really expensive, like for they.

00:40:06.605 --> 00:40:12.182
They go anywhere from $1,500 up to thousands of dollars and they're very nice suits.

00:40:12.563 --> 00:40:16.012
And then next to her, you know her hair was all done, makeup done, whatever.

00:40:16.012 --> 00:40:26.313
And right next to her was a girl, you know, with her hair all over the place you know how some of the goth kids do and she's got tattoos and you know piercings and whatever.

00:40:26.313 --> 00:40:39.722
And they're sitting there and the captions are the lady in the suits is saying thank God, I'm not like her, and the girl with the tattoos is saying thank you, god that you saved me.

00:40:39.722 --> 00:41:07.945
And it's the same scripture of we can look at people who look righteous, who look at us who may not look as righteous as, and it just really put it into perspective the fact that the, the, the prodigal son, came from the pig pen, basically, and the father was like woof, you know, just gave him a hug, and it's like God doesn't want us to be all cleaned up in order to come to him.

00:41:07.945 --> 00:41:18.126
The clean come after, just come, you know, and you know, kudos to the people that are coming, no matter what they look like, because that's what Jesus is looking for.

00:41:18.588 --> 00:41:35.184
You know, I used to work and help out at a church and the pastor asked me what I thought about the church, asked me what I thought about the church and there was a lot of judgment and things like that going on.

00:41:35.184 --> 00:41:35.545
And I asked him.

00:41:35.545 --> 00:41:53.541
It was just one simple question, because I had been working at the jail and I said well, let me ask you this If the jail opened up and released all the inmates up and released all the inmates, would they be able to attend here?

00:41:53.541 --> 00:42:08.282
And he went oh boy, and you know, so many times I would hear the women say when they introduced themselves to me hi, I'm so-and-so and I'm a murderer, hi, I did this, I did this.

00:42:08.282 --> 00:42:16.474
And I wanted them to be able to see themselves for not definitions for something that they did or that other people were putting on them, but for the way that God saw them.

00:42:16.474 --> 00:42:21.630
And that's hard to do when you're going to a place and you can actually feel the judgment.

00:42:22.192 --> 00:42:26.550
Yes, I try to look at the eyes, because that's where their soul is.

00:42:26.990 --> 00:42:29.965
Yeah, and I know that because of my animals.

00:42:31.088 --> 00:42:52.980
Yeah, uh-huh, uh-huh, and you could see their pain, you could see their, you know their impanation and you know the fear in them, because they know where they're going and they're afraid that whatever it was that they did or they're doing or whatever is, is going to be rejected.

00:42:52.980 --> 00:43:01.472
And, like the prodigal son and everything else that come, I mean, god's still cleaning up my messes, you know, and every day I make a mess and it has to be cleaned up.

00:43:01.472 --> 00:43:09.476
And so we go to the throne, we ask for the help, and and he's always polishing us Right, and he's always polishing us right.

00:43:17.239 --> 00:43:20.365
So just grace and mercy for everyone who chooses to just come just the way that they are, because that's how God wants us to come.

00:43:20.385 --> 00:43:35.186
You mentioned earlier about all the grief, the loss that you had gone through, and I lost my dad when I was 11 years old and I'd already had loss because I was adopted and I loved my dad.

00:43:35.186 --> 00:43:53.664
He was my rock and it goes back to those times when I said earlier, time is divided and we're never that same person again, person again, and at the time I didn't understand it as a child.

00:43:53.664 --> 00:44:00.523
But as an adult I have learned along the way, you know, and we talk about it all the time on the podcast but to embrace the valleys along with the good times.

00:44:00.523 --> 00:44:09.320
And it's not easy but it's a part of life and if we do not go through, we will never get to the other side.

00:44:09.320 --> 00:44:31.349
If we stay there, we will not get to find out who we were truly meant to be and we can miss being treated badly in a relationship if we keep staying stuck in the pain and we can allow things to continue to hurt us and continue to close us off as if we do not, unless we walk through it.

00:44:31.869 --> 00:44:40.793
And Psalm 23, I think, is a good reminder that there's different seasons in life, right, and so life is a journey.

00:44:40.793 --> 00:44:42.594
It's not a destination.

00:44:42.594 --> 00:44:45.974
It's not I'm going to get here and everything is going to be perfect.

00:44:45.974 --> 00:44:46.655
It's a journey.

00:44:46.655 --> 00:45:02.753
That being said, the road's going to be flat, there's going to be a valley, there's going to be a mountain, right, and so you know, road trip, we're on a road trip, and so make sure you have your candy, make sure you've got everything you need to drink, because it's going to be a ride.

00:45:02.753 --> 00:45:05.460
But Psalm 23 talks about the different journeys of life.

00:45:05.460 --> 00:45:16.601
We walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but it's just a shadow right, and we're walking through, we're not staying there, and you know it's just this constant.

00:45:16.601 --> 00:45:22.092
You know the road is changing because you know our destination really is heaven.

00:45:22.092 --> 00:45:24.224
So we're just passing through.

00:45:24.224 --> 00:45:29.306
We're on this journey and we have to figure out, you know what's behind this turn.

00:45:29.306 --> 00:45:30.108
Is there a light?

00:45:30.108 --> 00:45:31.101
Is there a stop sign?

00:45:31.101 --> 00:45:31.382
Is there?

00:45:31.382 --> 00:45:33.228
What do I do when I get to the stop sign?

00:45:33.507 --> 00:45:43.110
Constantly looking at things getting better later is going to rob you of what could be better right now, because all of these betters and all of these things add up to that one.

00:45:43.110 --> 00:45:45.661
You don't just wake up one day and become a doctor.

00:45:45.661 --> 00:45:47.523
You know all of these things are involved.

00:45:47.523 --> 00:45:49.487
You know I didn't just wake up one day and write a book.

00:45:49.487 --> 00:45:56.224
You know, and you know each book came with its own circumstances, with its own.

00:45:56.224 --> 00:45:59.751
You know things that I was going through in life.

00:45:59.751 --> 00:46:04.849
Each book is based on what I was going through, that I felt the Lord was having me share.

00:46:04.989 --> 00:46:09.690
Just because XYZ is happening now doesn't mean that abundance isn't around the corner.

00:46:09.690 --> 00:46:18.411
And if we're always looking for the next shoe to drop which I did for a while just because I went through, you know it's going to drop.

00:46:18.411 --> 00:46:28.275
You know, because you have no hope and you have no faith, because you have allowed this situation to rob you of that.

00:46:28.275 --> 00:46:30.496
And that's what I went through.

00:46:30.496 --> 00:46:36.838
I allowed these situations to form an image of God that was not true.

00:46:36.838 --> 00:46:40.958
I built him up to be this person that didn't want abundance.

00:46:40.958 --> 00:46:47.802
That, yeah, you can only go so far, the carrot's over here, but I'll let you go this far and you'll never reach the carrot.

00:46:47.802 --> 00:46:53.693
That's not who God is, and I had to learn these things in order to get through that.

00:46:53.693 --> 00:46:54.885
Is my life perfect?

00:46:54.885 --> 00:47:02.373
No, you know, there's many blessings to my life, but things still happen.

00:47:02.373 --> 00:47:04.987
But I have to pivot.

00:47:04.987 --> 00:47:06.405
What do you want me to learn now?

00:47:06.405 --> 00:47:09.085
Who's this supposed to help?

00:47:09.085 --> 00:47:10.282
How's this supposed to help me?

00:47:11.865 --> 00:47:29.809
One of the things that you said in a podcast that I heard was that I mean, I don't know, you can hear something a hundred times and then just all of a sudden, you hear something that just hits you differently, and you said that you felt like a problem child.

00:47:29.809 --> 00:47:44.561
You felt that you were impossible, like the impossible one in the room, and you said what helped you with that was Christ said it is finished, nothing else.

00:47:44.561 --> 00:47:50.684
He said it's finished and that I cannot tell you.

00:47:50.684 --> 00:47:53.266
It was like the first time I ever heard it.

00:47:53.266 --> 00:47:56.367
To just know period.

00:47:57.748 --> 00:48:06.273
End of story In the Old Testament.

00:48:06.273 --> 00:48:07.813
You've got that break.

00:48:07.813 --> 00:48:10.315
You know kings and priests and all of these.

00:48:10.315 --> 00:48:13.717
You know the Levites going in and oh, you can only go so far.

00:48:13.717 --> 00:48:16.137
You know going into the Holy of Holies.

00:48:16.137 --> 00:48:29.809
I saw that curtain coming down because I was the kid that went up to the altar when I wanted to read the Bible, because I remembered something that he said but I didn't, you know.

00:48:29.809 --> 00:48:33.063
And I remember being up there and it was like what are you doing here?

00:48:33.063 --> 00:48:36.224
You're not supposed to be reading the Bible, the Bible is supposed to be read to you.

00:48:36.947 --> 00:48:43.420
And I thought, okay, and I let it go Right, but there's no longer that separation.

00:48:43.420 --> 00:48:46.889
I can go to the throne of God right now and he will accept me.

00:48:46.889 --> 00:48:53.012
That curtain won't be there anymore, because Jesus said it's finished, there's no more.

00:48:53.012 --> 00:49:02.806
I remember one time I was praying for something so bad and it was like I wanted that thing to happen, like I wanted my own breath.

00:49:02.806 --> 00:49:10.494
You know, and I'll never forget, one day I just I went into, I had a spare room.

00:49:10.494 --> 00:49:25.414
I went into the spare room and I laid down on that bed and I just, I just took this big breath and I said, lord, I said I am so sorry for making this thing an idol and whatever it is that you want to happen in situation.

00:49:25.414 --> 00:49:28.405
Just let it happen, I'm okay with that.

00:49:28.846 --> 00:49:35.043
And then I closed my eyes and I saw God coming toward me.

00:49:35.043 --> 00:49:46.512
I had this vision of him coming toward me in white and I saw this big light, just a big white light, dressed in white and coming toward me, and I actually felt him.

00:49:46.512 --> 00:49:47.961
He gave me a hug.

00:49:47.961 --> 00:49:56.349
You know how you hug, hug somebody like real deep and you you know like their mouth is in your ear and I just felt like like this.

00:49:56.349 --> 00:50:06.463
And I heard him, I felt him and I heard him say to me now there is nothing between you and me, and that I feel happened.

00:50:06.844 --> 00:50:24.914
When we have something that is so big that we put before God, it becomes like this and then there's no real connection to God, because this thing is in the middle of us and when that was a big thing for me, it is finished and the curtain coming down because Jesus finished it for us.

00:50:24.914 --> 00:50:32.742
I don't have to do penance for my sins, I don't have to say certain prayers for my sins to be forgiven.

00:50:32.742 --> 00:50:37.447
All I have to do is show up before God, say I'm sorry, because Jesus is right in front of me.

00:50:37.447 --> 00:50:40.248
I'm not going in alone, I'm going in with him.

00:50:40.248 --> 00:50:49.775
And I think we feel like a lot of times we're alone and what we've done is so big that there, you know, there's no cleansing, you know yeah.

00:50:50.016 --> 00:50:56.992
Well, I have felt that way so many times in my life, but I allowed other people to help me stay there.

00:50:56.992 --> 00:51:29.405
Yeah, I mean, I went through treatment and I remember one day, you know, I just I woke up and I said I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I blocked out what everybody else thought about me or my own definitions, and I just never went back to that person again and there were days that all I had was a step forward, but I had to be grateful for that one step.

00:51:29.405 --> 00:51:43.172
You know, recently I wrote the words down I can finally fully give love, and for me one of the biggest things was receiving love, because I looked at every what you kind of touched on.

00:51:43.172 --> 00:51:47.016
I looked at every possible relationship as a loss.

00:51:47.016 --> 00:51:51.038
And then the other thing was being too invested.

00:51:51.038 --> 00:51:56.047
Just being fully giving to other people also meant hurt.

00:51:56.047 --> 00:52:08.664
So I finally got to the point where none of that mattered and I've reached that point where I can fully love and it's a beautiful place to be.

00:52:09.326 --> 00:52:09.668
It is.

00:52:09.668 --> 00:52:13.382
It is Because that you know that fear is not there anymore.

00:52:13.382 --> 00:52:14.864
God will heal you of it.

00:52:14.864 --> 00:52:20.923
You know he will show you ways to heal and how to heal and ways to trust again.

00:52:21.324 --> 00:52:22.047
Well, part of it.

00:52:22.047 --> 00:52:29.208
You know, there were times that I was literally on the floor and it felt like I was emotionally crushed, that I couldn't give up.

00:52:29.208 --> 00:52:33.054
And you made a statement that I've heard.

00:52:33.054 --> 00:52:51.246
I heard you say that grief is like a fingerprint and I feel like everything in our life is like a fingerprint and it's not the same for everyone, and people have even you know they write books and tell you this is how you're supposed to feel and how you're supposed to grieve and how you're supposed to get to the other side, how you're supposed to feel and how you're supposed to grieve and how you're supposed to get to the other side.

00:52:51.246 --> 00:52:58.567
I watch my kids and I have to help them differently and talk to them differently, because we all even have a different language.

00:52:58.567 --> 00:53:13.751
And also, through all of that, one of the things that I learned I'm going around and I'm helping everyone about the loss or whatever major event is happening and it takes such a long time before I swing back around and think about how it affected me.

00:53:16.360 --> 00:53:16.862
That's true.

00:53:16.862 --> 00:53:21.072
At least you're making one step forward, and I was reminded that.

00:53:21.072 --> 00:53:24.007
You know I was feeling like I take it too.

00:53:24.007 --> 00:53:29.146
I think there's a book out there that I bought that said two steps forward, three steps back.

00:53:29.146 --> 00:53:32.184
I mean three steps forward, two steps back.

00:53:32.184 --> 00:53:37.483
But even if that's happening, you still made one step forward, and that's what we forget about.

00:53:37.483 --> 00:53:44.463
You know that our failures don't have to remain failures unless we choose to keep them failures.

00:53:44.463 --> 00:53:47.987
They can be catalysts that help us to reach success.

00:53:47.987 --> 00:53:50.210
You know, can be catalysts that help us to reach success.

00:53:50.210 --> 00:54:02.849
You know, and sometimes we I know I did for the longest time is I focused on the not good of what just happened instead of focusing on, you know, the good of what happened?

00:54:03.331 --> 00:54:17.807
Yeah, yeah, and it's easy to do, you know I love that you give yourself permission to be who you are, and I just love that because we need to be right where we are.

00:54:17.807 --> 00:54:20.032
You know we just did a podcast on.

00:54:20.032 --> 00:54:32.362
It's okay to be right where you are, because if you try to go 10 steps ahead, you know that's not going to work, and if you stay 10 steps behind, you know that's not going to work, and if you stay 10 steps behind, you know that's not going to work either.

00:54:32.362 --> 00:54:43.632
But being right where we are is where we need to be and that's where we can start and that is where God can actually meet us to help us to move forward.

00:54:43.632 --> 00:54:46.925
How do you think that we could be that, esther?

00:54:47.365 --> 00:54:55.347
Well, it comes with embracing the things that have happened in life and embracing the bad with the good, you know.

00:54:55.347 --> 00:55:01.043
Embracing the people talking about you, embracing the being misunderstood.

00:55:01.043 --> 00:55:06.454
So now you keep quiet, embracing the boundaries.

00:55:06.454 --> 00:55:29.644
You know that we need to put up so that these gaslighters don't put stuff on us and make it look like we're the idiots when they're the idiots and forgive me for using those words, but there are people out there, even Christians, who will use you for their purposes, manipulating you into doing things.

00:55:29.644 --> 00:55:30.487
So you know.

00:55:30.487 --> 00:55:39.594
So just embrace all of these things that have happened to you and give them to the Lord and use them as a catalyst to.

00:55:39.594 --> 00:55:41.242
This is my new life.

00:55:41.242 --> 00:55:46.902
Now, and because of all of these things that happened, I'm not going to let people take advantage of me anymore.

00:55:46.902 --> 00:55:48.487
I'm going to walk the way that I walk.

00:55:48.487 --> 00:55:53.657
Because I walk the way that I walk, I'm going to speak my mind because I love you.

00:55:53.657 --> 00:56:04.811
I'm going to tell you the truth, you know, because I want you to be better, not for me, but for other people, so people don't see this manipulative side of you, or whatever it is that you're doing, right.

00:56:04.811 --> 00:56:16.054
So so just, it's okay for me to say that, and you're my friend, you'll know that it's coming out of love and, and you know, we all have an opinion.

00:56:16.054 --> 00:56:23.157
We can express it, but there's time and a place for everything, just like with Esther, right, for such a time as this.

00:56:23.157 --> 00:56:32.177
We have to be grown up enough to understand when we're supposed to be here, when we're supposed to lean in, when we're supposed to be somewhere else.

00:56:32.177 --> 00:56:41.889
So that is the comfort in knowing that this is who I am, this is what I'm here for and, lord, what do you want me to do in this situation?

00:56:41.889 --> 00:56:45.063
Because that's the same thing that Esther did, right?

00:56:45.063 --> 00:56:46.244
This is where I am.

00:56:46.244 --> 00:56:47.126
I'm in a harem now.

00:56:47.126 --> 00:56:50.913
I'm a Jew, right, and these are the laws.

00:56:50.913 --> 00:56:59.907
If I go in, this is what's going to happen, but embracing it and saying, lord, I'm going to put my fear aside and if you want me to do this, then I'll go ahead and do it.

00:56:59.907 --> 00:57:03.103
I'm going to fast and pray and I'll take whatever answer you give me.

00:57:03.103 --> 00:57:03.963
Thank you very much.

00:57:03.963 --> 00:57:07.969
Right, and that's how I live my life.

00:57:07.969 --> 00:57:08.208
Now.

00:57:08.769 --> 00:57:13.856
You can use the grapes analogy or you could use the olive oil analogy, right?

00:57:13.856 --> 00:57:24.913
Both of those things need to be pressed to make wine or to make olive oil right, and so if there's no pressure, you're not going to come out with a great product.

00:57:24.913 --> 00:57:29.528
And that beauty comes out when you know, because one of the is it.

00:57:29.528 --> 00:57:58.313
I think it's an Ecclesiastes Ecclesiastes where the Lord says he makes everything beautiful in its time, and that's what he did for Esther Took her from being this orphan girl and bringing her to the harem, having that beautification process, and then this is what I'm going to have for you, and process, and then this is what I'm going to have for you, and you know, just embrace each little thing that it happens, because it's just creating that beautiful picture that God has of our lives.

00:57:58.701 --> 00:58:02.447
I mean a year to be in preparation, you know.

00:58:02.447 --> 00:58:04.913
That's why we just need to stay in the moment.

00:58:04.913 --> 00:58:10.711
Yes, because if we can just stay in the moment, we can be prepared and be who we are right now.

00:58:10.711 --> 00:58:12.623
You have a beautiful website.

00:58:12.623 --> 00:58:14.228
I'm actually jealous of it.

00:58:14.228 --> 00:58:33.827
Um, it's so nice, but I think everyone needs to go there so they can download your, which I saw your free coming out of the dark 10 vital keys to get you from surviving to thriving, which I love that, and your free five key strategies to excel in life and business.

00:58:33.827 --> 00:58:45.882
So I mean, is there any other books that you would like to share with us, and how can people get a hold of you if they want information or they want coaching services from you?

00:58:46.704 --> 00:58:57.710
So all of my books, my coaching services and everything that I'm about is on my website, where I'm also helping aspiring authors to get their books out.

00:58:57.710 --> 00:58:59.152
So that's on there as well.

00:58:59.152 --> 00:59:08.762
So all of the courses that I offer, all of the ways to help that I offer, are on there, and then you can sign up to hear from me.

00:59:08.762 --> 00:59:29.018
And there's also you can schedule a complimentary 30-minute discovery session where we just kind of get together and see what your needs are and if what I am doing and what God's called me to is something that is you need and want.

00:59:29.438 --> 00:59:39.731
Well, that's just amazing that you've taken everything that you've gone through and here you are doing this for other people and using everything for good, so I think that that's a beautiful thing.

00:59:39.731 --> 00:59:46.181
Thank you so much for being on Real Talk with Tina and Anne and everybody.

00:59:46.181 --> 00:59:48.161
We will see you next time.