From Something to Someone: The Denise Bard Story of Resilience and Hope Part 1

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk. I am Ann. I am very excited about our guest today. Denise Bard has an incredible story of resilience, hope and giving back to the nonprofit that changed her life. Our entire reason for doing Real Talk is to make a difference in people's lives, to take life's traumas, losses, hurts and pains and to go through life's journey together. Life is hard and we always try to find ways to make a difference and to help make lives better. Tina is not here today, but, denise, I am so glad to have you.

Speaker 2: 0:43

I am so excited to be here.

Speaker 1: 0:45

You know, one of the reasons I thought you were a perfect fit for our show was your mission and your story. You have taken what happened and turned it into something powerful. You are making a difference and I can't wait to bring your story to our listeners. Denise, you spend your life speaking and fundraising for a group home that made a profound impact on your life. Can you take us back to the beginning of your story and share how this organization played such a pivotal role? Where does your story begin?

Speaker 2: 1:18

Oh well, at birth I am a product of two drug-addicted teens and I was brought into I hate to say raise because I think and you all understand in my story that other people will raise me in a way that I'll explain later. But I was in my maternal side, so my mother's side she was addicted to cocaine, so obviously that's a really heavy drug to have an addiction to and I spent my childhood up until about, well, I think, all the way into high school, back and forth into kinship care, but anytime I was with my mom there was a lot of uncertainty. You know, where are we staying, where are we eating, where? I've had people tell me later in life how, when they saw me, I was dirty like never diapers changed. I mean it was pretty bad. One of the things that I do share, vulnerability-wise, is that her drug addiction had her take me to places that she should never have taken me and it was well, I guess, a form of payment if you want to allow her to get her highs. I think that's the hardest part of my past, that I think a lot of people share a past like that, but nobody talks about it. So something that I do share now because I think it's important to tell people that they're not alone. I obviously face a lot of other abuse physical abuse, neglect, mental, everything. And I was 12, my mother got custody of me again, full custody, and I lived with her for two years before I just well, I just couldn't do it anymore and I did try to take my life. I took pills, crushed them in water and I started to drink. But after that first sip I stopped. And a lot of people will say you know, oh, you know, were you scared to do it? No, to be honest with you, the reason why I stopped was that I knew that she would play victim. I knew that the family members would play the victim and I would be so angry because I'm the victim. Do you know what I mean? And I didn't want that. But I told a friend at the bus stop that morning and I knew she would tell the school, and so she did, she did, and school called me down and then they called the police and then they called her and of course she came in acting like she's the victim and I just told them. I said you know, I'm not going home, I don't care where you take me, but I refuse to go there. So you know I'm either going to run or you know, whatever it took, I just was not going back. Was she still using it this time? Not illegal drugs. She had changed her into prescription drugs, so she had gone through the program. That's how she got me back. She went through a number of drug rehabs but at that point had shown the court that she was capable enough to be a parent, which you know. It frustrates me to this day about that.

Speaker 1: 4:40

But can I ask you a couple more questions? Yeah, did she use while she was pregnant with you.

Speaker 2: 4:48

Well, the belief is yes, I have some, I guess some medical conditions that they that you know. There was not enough studies. I was born in 1975. So there wasn't a lot of studies about you know the consequences of taking the drugs Now we know about you know alcoholics and whatnot. But based upon the stories of the adults that knew the situation her friends there was definitely things taken. Now, what that was I don't know, but definitely there was some usage. Yes, Wow.

Speaker 1: 5:25

Yeah yeah, and you know I, it sounds awful and your, your story is the exact Same story as my grandkids who I adopted. I mean, it is my granddaughter who is my daughter now. I adopted her but she was, you know, all three of my kids. She Biomom used while she was pregnant with them. Yeah, but my daughter especially was affected with the same thing. She actually had bloody diapers and stuff because she was never changed. Biomom went to Drug house to drug house, lived in a meth house and Went to the absolute worst places to get drugs and would take her kids with her. Yes, and my daughter ended up being exposed to meth. She actually put her hand on it because they were making meth and Put it in her mouth and then it went into her system and she's had to have surgeries and stuff because of it and she's got toxic brain because of it, which you know. It's just. I just really feel for you because you know and you also are giving me a lot of hope, because look at you, look what you're doing and it just you know, it gives, it just warms my heart to know, because we're working so hard with my kids, that my kids have a chance.

Speaker 2: 6:55

Absolutely, and I think that that's an also another reason why I share so and and I Think that I was lucky enough to have the right people to be put in my life, which it sounds like your grandkids or your children have that now with you stepping in. So, going back to how I got to anchor house because this will kind of give you an idea of the difference and the reason why I say that changed my life. So, after I had Attempted and I went to school and all that, they took me to this shelter for runaway and abused youth. It's At least that's how we called it the group home for runaway and abused Today, and it may be perhaps had been this the whole time, but at that time, in 1989, that's just how we looked at it. But it's a shelter for runaway, abused and homeless youth in Trenton, new Jersey, and that's where I'm from. And when I talk about my story, I say that I went in as being something and I came out as being someone. One, because I had always been the product of, you know, whatever. If she needed drugs, I was that. I was the thing that she would take anger out on. I was the thing that she would tell me she didn't want, she hated me. No one would want me. So it's always was. I was just something. And then going into anchor house was life-changing and it a lot of people don't understand that. So I say when I walk through the doors, it was the first time I felt safe. And that's a difficult thing to tell people for them to understand because it's a hard thing to put into words and the best, you know, thing I could describe is it's it's like being terrified or afraid every single day and every single minute. Finally have a place where you didn't have to Worry about the next minute. And I remember that breath. I remember just in the handling and just absolutely feeling that Safety. And it was the first time. And the first person I met was my caseworker, michelle, who I am so fortunate to still have her in my life today, which kind of shocks me because of my craziness over the how many years I've known her. But she has always been my by my side and she was the first person to give me a hug that I am telling you. No one else hugs like her I hadn't Experience do that. You know she would give you these bear hugs and I mean like these hugs were when you are Hugged and again, it was my first time it just felt safe and it just felt where every fear just melted. And you know when you're talking to from a kid and and you know we've talked and have some experiences there's something that a lot of people won't understand. So, if you understand, you know it, you know what I mean and so, yeah, trying to describe those things to people who may have not been In a relatable situation is Difficult, but when you reflect back on it and as I tell, like I feel, like I'm in that moment, I always talk about the moment and you'll hear me talk about that, but those are those moments where it just never goes away, right, and it's a feeling that stays with you. So it's not just, oh, that moment, no, I encapsulated that moment, I took that moment with me through my entire life.

Speaker 1: 10:40

You know I call those moments mile markers, yeah, and it's like a time in your life where you just felt the trajectory of your life going in a different way, like in that very second.

Speaker 2: 10:53

Absolutely. I mean absolutely. I was learning things there. I say it's a lot of really new experiences. You know, as kids we grow up with families, and I say we, I mean I have my two children and you want them to just be kids, you want them to experience things, just, you know, in a safe setting and an environment that there isn't walking on eggshells. And so I got to experience so many things as a first, and I was 14. And so at that point, you know, they were really big milestones, mile markers, these 30 second moments, and so I've it's, it's, you know, I brought them with me as I've grown through the years. But it wasn't just. You know, for me there I obviously had all these firsts, but there were things that I learned while I was there that have followed me and have been the reason I have been able to to break the cycle, create my own story instead of somebody else's story, and that was from my case manager, michelle. There's three things that she always told me, and first of all was that what happened to me wasn't my fault. And here's the interesting thing about that and I really want to point this out is that I grew up being told that no one would ever believe me. And if I said anything to anyone, they're going to think things about me, they're going to say things about me. And so, as a kid, you want people to like you and you know, even still to this day, you want to be someone who is liked, you want to be the people pleaser. And so that completely silenced me and even when I was given the opportunity, while I was there, to be able to share that, that fear was was so much because I was so afraid of losing her, because she was that first person to. You know, make me feel loved. You know all the warming, fuzzy things and the people there, the volunteers, the, you know, the staff members. I was afraid, if I said all those things, that they wouldn't believe me and they would say something about me or they might be thinking things about me. And of course that was all not true. But I think when you grow up in an environment where that's drilled into you, it's it's hard to to not think that that is true, and especially at 14. So that was the first thing that she had told me and I'm going to be honest, I still work on that today. I think there are moments, continuing on today, that I stop and I'm like, okay, that wasn't my fault, that wasn't my fault. And then there's the second thing she always said, which was things will always get harder before they could ever get better. And when I tell you, I used to get so mad at her and she'll still say it to this day and I get so angry. But the truth is that is true, things always get harder before they can get better, true, but the third thing and this is the the one thing that I think changed everything, the one thing I talk about in my keynote speeches is that she would always tell me to look around, because there are so many people who do care about me and who do want me to do well. The problem is that I was so focused on the abuse and everything in front of me which I understand that that that is a normal thing and most people would. But the thing is, she wasn't asking me to change my perspective of it. She was telling me to shift my focus and find positive, because for me, that was going to be my survival is finding those people in my life that would help me, and I learned so much for them into like simple moments. And so had she not said that, I think our story and would be completely different, I think I wouldn't be talking to you right now. I think you know there's so many ways that life could have gone wrong for me had I not had that in my life. So when I say the anchor house is such a pivotal thing for not just me but kids like me, youth just like me, I mean without that life is just going to be different or could be different. I mean chances are at least in my personal story would have been.

Speaker 1: 15:40

I want to go back for a second on your comment about it's not your fault. Have you ever seen the movie Goodwill hunting with Robin Williams and Matt Damon? And that scene where Matt Damon is the abuse comes out.

Speaker 2: 15:59

Yeah, I think he was saying don't say it, don't say it, don't say it.

Speaker 1: 16:04

And and Robin Williams is like in his face, to the point where Matt Damon is sobbing and he's saying you know, it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault. Over and over to the point where I'll tell you what that scene. It makes me want to cry now. And you're talking about being silenced. I mean, I understand being silenced and people writing your own story and telling you what the truth is, when that's not the truth and it causes such a crazy making that you know you don't even know what the truth is anymore. But what you do know is that it's not your fault. But you feel like, for some reason, like there's this, it there's got to be some part of it. That's your fault, like you caused it somehow. And when you're young, you know. And to hear those words over and over again, like that, it impacted me and I think it really changed me after I saw that scene.

Speaker 2: 17:00

Yeah, that's definitely it, and I think that's the struggle still to this day is there had to be something I've done? And I'm 48. And so when you think about that, I mean when I was younger, I thought, oh, when I get this age I'm not going to think about anything from my past. But I think as we go on in life, we we experience certain situations where that triggers it, and then you start to think about that again.

Speaker 1: 17:25

I think we do and that's why, you know, I wanted to have this podcast, because it doesn't silence us and we can get our stories out there and we can tell them to the world if we want to and nobody can say no, you can't do that.

Speaker 2: 17:39

Right, yeah, that is absolutely the truth. And, again, like there's something that is really freeing about that to be able to talk to people. I didn't start to really. I think when I really started to be able to speak about it openly was five years ago when I reconnected with Anchor House. Okay, and so I. It's just kind of, what made you do that, what made you reconnect? Well, they have. So Anchor House is a non-profit organization and we and I said we, there is an Anchor House foundation separate in the 501c3, so they're separate nonprofits, but they you know the foundation does help a lot for Anchor House. So they have an annual ride. The foundation has an annual bike ride that they do. I think it's 500 miles and they either start from northeast down to Trenton or they go from the south up to Trenton and five years ago they were going through the town that I lived in now, which was really kind of crazy and you know what were the chances of them riding through. But I had my soccer coach, who had a really big impact in my life, actually saved my life again. She rides for them and she had said that she was going on this ride because I followed her on Facebook. We were, you know, connected through Facebook and I said oh, where's Anchor House going this year? Because every year I did try to give back. You know, I don't need it as much as I could. And when she told me I was like you know what, you're going through my town. So I showed up to their stop here in Winchester with signs that said I said thank you, room two, bed two, 1989. And that was, you know, the year I was in there. And so I think they were shocked because we had a lot of people kind of make signs, you know, cheering them on, and that's usually what happens when they get close to New Jersey and home they have family members do that. So it was kind of odd for them to have me to show up. But when I did and I got there, got to talking to everyone and they asked me to speak to the bike riders and I believe back then there was about 200 bike riders Now, whether they were all there at that one moment or not. But I shared a little bit and it was the first time that I did that publicly and so and it's not that I didn't want to share my story I was never asked. No one ever asked me what your story? And so they asked and I, you know, I told a little bit and then they invited me to the 40th anniversary of them being open. So what were the odds? Again, chances, here I am during their 40th year ride and then now we're going in. You know, at that moment was 40 years and they asked me to speak at the anniversary dinner and it just it just kind of took off from there and then I sat on, you know, wanting to do keynote speeches and motivational speeches, and was encouraged by a lot of people. But it all started there. It all started again that here, you know, back in 1989, they gave me a bit of my voice, gave me the opportunity to speak to them, and now I'm, you know, 40 something and and I'm once again, you know, here's my voice and I can talk. Yeah, that's how I got reconnected and I'm so honored that last December I got voted in to be on their board. So now I'm part of the Inker House boards. As I said, there's two sides. So the Inker House side, which is the shelter and all programs, I am now a board member too. So it's really kind of neat how full circle everything went and, as I said, I went from something to coming out as someone after Inker House, and it's just proved that they continue to make a difference, no matter how far along. You know you were in there.

Speaker 1: 21:57

Are some of the same people that were there when you were in there. Are they still involved?

Speaker 2: 22:02

No well involved. Yes, I am mainly probably supportive and involved, but a lot of them are not there anymore. I'm not old that they're not, but that year that 40th anniversary union there was, there was someone I don't know. He wasn't working there, but he came. He was at the dinner and his name is Dave Brown. He was one of the counselors there and I drove him on that. I think all the kids used to write notes because back then that's what we did it wrote notes. There was no texting, no, any writing. He'd write these silly stupid notes back and forth and you know. But that was kind of really fun to be able to see him at the anniversary dinner. How many years ago. But there was an executive director that was at Inker House when I was there, who I saw again at the anniversary dinner, and we just had a 45th anniversary dinner about two weeks ago and she was there again. So not so much as they were working there, but they were definitely still involved in being support and cheerleaders and what have you. So that's been pretty interesting. Have you seen that lady that gave you that hug? I do, well, I do, she doesn't, so she lives currently in North Carolina, but I stayed connected with her since I was 14. Obviously, when I was still in school it was a little difficult. You know, the control of my mother and my grandmother was anybody that was helping me or, you know, anything important to me was pushed away, not allowed to come near me. It was very toxic. But you know, after graduation she had lived in was Chicago and I went out to visit her. I mean, I love her to death. And so now I saw her a couple years ago, before COVID. She was vacationing with her husband and we went over to see her and I just love her hugs. I don't get enough because we're not in person, but every morning I do text her Good morning every morning. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, like I said, she's left me after these years.

Speaker 1: 24:17

Well, I mean you obviously, and that connection is still there every day.

Speaker 2: 24:22

Yeah, it is, and she's probably. You know people had asked me what's her role Like, what would you put her role as? And obviously she is not old enough to be a mother to me, because you know she was actually young when I was there. So I say it's like the older sister that takes care of you. Do you know what I mean? At least, that's in my. I didn't have that, but that's, you know. I've had friends who do that and I'm like you know, that's kind of how she is to me. She's, you know, she's. I love her to death. There's not enough good things and I know she's listening and she knows just how much I love her.

Speaker 1: 25:00

I want to go back for a minute to that first night in the group home when you first got there. After that hug, you know I we often talk about on this podcast what it feels like to be in a house where the adults in the room are the ones who are supposed to be loving and protecting you but they're actually the ones hurting you.

Speaker 2: 25:22

Yes.

Speaker 1: 25:23

So I mean this would have been your first night out of the situation like that. I mean, describe what it must have felt like being in a bed, in a safe place, for the first time.

Speaker 2: 25:34

So I always slept with a pillow over my head. I was, you know, a lot of people will hide under the blankets, but I also had a pillow over my head. I couldn't. There was a lot of sexual abuse that I had grown up facing being right around that. I didn't like sounds Like I was always afraid of hearing sounds. I was always afraid of you know what would happen. So being able to lie in a bed and not have that fear and need to cover my head was it's hard to describe. I mean, that was a first time for me to be able to do that and I think, while I was there, to be honest with you, I probably select the best that I had ever slept before.

Speaker 1: 26:25

I find it interesting that you trusted them that much. Yeah, right off the get go.

Speaker 2: 26:32

Yeah, I don't, I don't, you know, maybe it's a sixth sense, I don't know. Yeah, it was. It was like I just I remember that day and I think most of us who have gone through there, regardless of age, I think we all remember our first moment walking through the door and I think it's that right off the bat, they just you know, they come to you and they want to know about you, they want to listen to you, and when you're growing up and you don't have that, there's something that kind of put you at ease. And so, and I know that there are times where people that you want to trust are the ones, as you said before, the ones that hurt you. But this was different. This was, you knew, just completely, yeah, like there was that. So it's like a family. And obviously the program has grown so much since I was there, you know, when I was in there in back in 89, the length of time would be 30 days. The aging is like normal of 18 and you, you know, some of the kids that came in were foster kids and, of course, once they aged it out back there was there was limited options, there were limited things, but I'm so happy that they have grown so much that they have programs for these kids and youth and so they're not just left there on the doorstep. Or you know? I know one of my roommates was training 18 and you know the state gives you a couple bucks. Then it's like here you go, you know, go back, and now there's, you're able to provide that.

Speaker 1: 28:15

Yeah, I do want to talk more about that coming up in a little bit, but I want to get back to the overcoming of the childhood trauma. You know, because we talk a lot about that on this podcast and you know I endured. I endured a lot from my biologic family and adopted mom and I had a. My dad died when I was 11, and I talk about that quite a bit on here. But one thing I understand is childhood trauma but, more importantly, the overcoming part of it. Trust me, I had years where I was self-destructive and made a lot of bad choices. Unfortunately, I did make a lot of bad choices, but you know it's been a bumpy road and my entire purpose in life now is to help others overcome their trauma. So can you talk more about your resiliency and helping others carve their new path of hope?

Speaker 2: 29:13

So things that helped me be resilient is from learning how to shift that focus. I guess where I found resiliency was by the people that came into my life. I found that obviously, anchor House was a. It was beginning of finding that resiliency. The mission is that we are the anchor in the storm. So I learned that and my resiliency comes from those moments I received by teachers, because obviously as a child, my only source of safety was school and I had these teachers, you know, in my life and those little moments that they gave me really are the reason why I have been able to overcome I always say still overcoming, because I think we have work to do and into our entire lives. But what I got from each of those innocent moments was something that helped me face adversity, and so I'll explain that. So I had, as I said, you know my mother would blame me for a lot of things. I'd face a lot of, you know, physical abuse and obviously the sexual abuse, but that's hard to, you know, go by. But when I went back to her when I was 12, you know I still face that you're not worthy, you don't matter, I hate you, no one wants you. You know all those things. So you didn't feel that love, you didn't feel that part of you that you need in order to grow. And so, for me, it was these moments I got from teachers. So I'm gonna give you three examples, because and I say this with all honesty that this continues to help me, these moments continue to help me, to make me, you know, a better person, a wife, a mom. These are the reasons why I could look out my window and look at my house and know, god, I'm here because of and so, aside from my case worker, who, again, the pure, unconditional love has driven me beyond some of the darkest days. I had an eighth grade teacher. She was my favorite teacher, ms Kammiati, and she was my favorite teacher because of her subject, because I sucked at math and she was the math teacher. But she actually worked or volunteered at Anchor House and while I was there she helped with transportation because a lot of the kids that were there were coming from different areas and different school districts, so that was a challenge to get kids to their schools. And so for me and the reason why for me, and the fact that she was a volunteer there, it kind of made it easy I would get my rides back and forth, and I wish, I wish this is one of the things that, like I, have that regret. I wish that I felt comfortable enough to tell her what was going on, and I wish I remembered those trips back and forth. But I don't. But the one thing that stands out in my mind and has helped me is there was a day that someone came in to see her and I was at my locker, which was right across the hall from her classroom, and I was digging out books, and I remember her calling me over. I had long curly hair I don't have long hair anymore, but I had long curly hair and I remember her pushing my hair off my shoulders and then replacing her hands on my shoulders and introducing me to him, as this is my Denise. Those simple words Again this goes back to that 32nd moment so innocent, didn't mean anything to her, but and it was. You know, it's just that simple-ness, but for me it meant so much. It was the first time that I heard those words and that I felt like I could actually be wanted by someone, cause I had been told my entire life that no one would want you. And now I have this person who said these words to me that I was like holy crap, you know, and I learned in that moment what it felt like to feel, wanted to be someone's, and I know again, it was an innocent moment, it wasn't what she met, but it's what she said and I will say this I heard this one time. Somebody said people hear what they need to hear in that moment and I expand that to say that and I'll use kids kids will hear what they need to hear in that moment and they will feel what they need to feel in that moment.

Speaker 1: 34:09

We're going to end part one right here. I apologize because I know she just finished the first of three 32nd moments that really changed her life, but there's two more and there's a lot more even after that. So you need to stay tuned and spread the word subscribe, let people know about our podcast, follow us, go on Facebook, real Talk with Tina and Anne and follow our podcast, because this is some really good stuff and it's stuff that a lot of people are not talking about, and we want people to know about Anchor House in New Jersey, so we want everybody to get a lot out of this podcast. We really appreciate you, we love you and thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time. Reducing quality that we shouldn't do with tuna.