Every Step Forward is Worth Celebrating part 2

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This is part two of.

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Every step forward is worth celebrating.

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Trust me, I have been through it, and there were times I couldn't even move an inch.

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But I fought to go a step, and after that another, and after that another, and now it's not even an effort to me, I can just do it.

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I worked so hard to get to this point in my life, but it was worth it.

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It was worth every step to get on the other side.

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Trust me, you can too.

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This episode is worth listening to.

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Thank you so much for joining us.

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This is part two.

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So it's really interesting that you can become somebody that you've never been before and you didn't even realize that you could become this person just because that fear isn't there anymore.

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Yeah, I heard this.

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I just heard this about three days ago.

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I heard this and I don't remember who said it.

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It was a motivational speaker.

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He was like you have to learn to live and be joyful for the micro victories.

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There are those little victories every day.

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So stop waiting for the big victory to happen.

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That'll come.

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But you have to look at yourself and say you made these little victories every day.

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So stop waiting for the big victory to happen.

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That'll come.

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But you have to look at yourself and say you made these little victories every day, past the fear.

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So third row victories.

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And I started putting that in my head because I'm like, oh, you know, let's be happy that I made this little success today.

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I wouldn't have done it yesterday.

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This is my, my little victory today.

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You know, to come out of that identity of fear.

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You know, I believe that that path that I was going on kept all the positive things out you know, and I allowed people to treat me badly because I thought that that's what I deserved, it was what I knew, it was what I knew.

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I allowed myself to stay in relationships way longer than I should have, even though I knew a person was abusing me.

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I knew that this wasn't right, but I stayed.

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And you know, tina and I touched on this in our last episode and, honestly, I don't know why I did it, other than the fact that I believed that that was my path.

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Yeah, but you don't know any different.

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Again, it's a dream inside of you, but that's all that you think it is.

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What did they say?

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Dream without goals are just dreams.

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And so.

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Denzel Washington said it A dream without a goal is just a dream, and we often dream a lot.

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Yeah.

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So how do we get to that true dream?

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And again I'll go back to the mental health and I'll want to say this and say this out loud, especially during these winter months when a lot of people go through seasonal depression.

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I do this, I get through this, I have this every time, but it's okay to go out and get the therapy you need if that is going to help you or if you even try it, if it's going to help you kind of come out of that fear and to be able to live your dream, to help you kind of come out of that fear and to be able to live your dream whatever it may be.

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Maybe it's a family, a successful family, that you never thought you would be able to have.

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These are your dreams.

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Each of us have something different.

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I think sometimes we just need that extra help.

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Maybe it's not.

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You know, we can't do it alone.

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Listening to somebody, listening to this podcast, might be something that really boosts someone to make that micro victory of not so afraid and being able to hear two people who have gone through what they have and maybe they are going through the same thing but able to relate and identify with these fears that are holding you back.

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To relate and identify with these fears that are holding you back.

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You know if it's therapy.

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I know it's a scary place.

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A lot of people think of it as voodoo, but, god again, I don't want to go to my grave being in fear, and I hope that other people don't feel that way either, that you can get through the fear.

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We just don't know how to do it yet.

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Some people can do it naturally and others.

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You know what.

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We just need a little help.

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I'm living a dream, but I'm not where I want to be yet.

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You know, we recently I recently did a podcast with a man named Ron Sanderson, who is an autistic man, who was an advocate and he got his master's degree when they told him that he would not graduate high school.

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And in this episode he talks about a man who did research on lucky and unlucky people and he found that 80% of the people who thought they were lucky they found the $20 bill that he had stashed in front of a coffee house and 80% of the people who identified as unlucky didn't find it.

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So you know, that is just so interesting to me and that tells me so much about the mindset the mindset of a person, and it really is what we believe about ourselves.

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You know, after that happened, when I was 11, 12, I can remember standing in the same areas that I had before all that happened looking at the same friends, looking at the same playground, looking at the same playground, looking at the same just everything, and I was not the same.

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I was like an out-of-body experience.

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I felt like an alien in the same places that I had been before and there was just no way to be that same person.

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It's like that was a life before your life.

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You know, I had to get to the point where I also believed that making mistakes was okay.

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Eventually, you know, because lots of times we have to give our self permission to become who that person was, our self-permission to become who that person was.

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And I was so critical of myself after that, and so I really had to give myself permission to start making mistakes again.

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You know, I've messed up while speaking, I've messed up on a podcast, I've messed up when I've worked professional jobs and honestly think that I was harder on myself than anybody else would have been.

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And this is kind of funny because I was just a zombie Okay, yeah, just a zombie for our hometown.

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We actually have thousands and they predicted 10,000 people were going to be in our hometown for this big thriller thing that we put on every year.

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They close off all the streets and they come from everywhere and it is really a fun experience.

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You know our area probably has come up with.

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But it's kind of funny because when I'm, we rehearsed for like the last month, we all all the zombies meet and we all rehearse and I do great.

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I know every single move, I know everything that I'm supposed to do.

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And then the woman who's teaching it happens to look in my direction All of a sudden.

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I'm like I don't know what I'm doing.

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You know, it's that teacher is looking at you.

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Moment.

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Yeah, it's all of a sudden, everything just goes and I don't know what I'm doing, but I just tell myself in my head.

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I'm actually thinking oh you suck, you don't know how to do this.

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You can't do this, you know.

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You know she's looking at you going.

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Oh, you're the worst one in the room, you know.

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It's just so crazy how we can lose our confidence and we can talk to ourselves like that and instantly fear enters.

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And then we I'm as a speaker, I do that.

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Sometimes I'm like, oh my God if I stutter and then I lose track, even though, like I, I don't read off script, but I know what I want to say and there are certain things I want to say in a certain way, because I think that that is a very good way to connect with somebody and then, like you said, you make eye contact or all of a sudden sometimes I know it sounds weird I have dyslexia and sometimes I have it when I'm talking, where the words kind of flip flop and I'm going to startle myself and then I lose track and then you're like, oh, what the heck am I doing up here?

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I'm not a good speaker.

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These people are saying this is a waste of time.

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Yes, it's those little things that all of a sudden throw you into.

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Oh God, I'm not good enough.

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You know, I was afraid because I'm autistic too, and the friend that I go with every week to just kind of talk a little bit more about this, she wasn't there one week and I just go so confidently every week to practice and I'm just bam, bam, bam, and she did not.

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My one friend that I kind of just rely on just having an external brain, somebody there in the room that I'm used to and I can talk to and look to, she wasn't there and so I just was so bad.

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I was so bad, I mean I couldn't remember anything.

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So it's just interesting how those things can affect your entire performance in life, just because you have one thing out of place and you instantly don't believe in yourself anymore.

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It's like having that support person and being able to then being able to do it without the support.

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Yeah, you know I'm going to question myself doing something just because of one mistake, and it's crazy because some of the best people, no matter what your job, you mess up.

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Everybody messes up.

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It's a thing, you know.

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Mistakes are what makes us and that's how we grow.

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We're not perfect, Like the Michael Jackson who plays Michael Jackson.

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He always says during our rehearsals you know, it doesn't matter if you mess up, People are there to be entertained.

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In my head, though, I'm saying, oh yeah, right.

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Yeah.

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You're lying.

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Yeah, they do care if you mess up.

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Denzel Washington.

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I know I reference him.

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There's a couple I reference.

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He always says when you mess up, fall forward because you're still making progress Right.

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And then he and it's analogy so many people have fallen forward before they had success and I can't think of who it was.

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It was one of the basketball players and they're like he's made we'll say 500 shots and 250 of those shots he missed, but we don't talk about those.

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That was Michael Jordan, I think.

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Okay, we don't talk about them.

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We talk about the successes.

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So in order to get there, he had to miss that many times.

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So I think about that all the time when I do something and I try to tell myself fall forward, just fall forward, it's okay, you're going to get it.

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My friend and I we had this thing that for this performance that we wanted to be in the middle minute, the middle middle, yeah, okay, yeah.

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And so because that's we know all the steps when we're in the middle middle but we're on the outside, you know when people can actually see, yeah, and so we had to be dead by six o'clock all around the city, and so then it got to.

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The music starts, vincent Price starts talking.

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We're supposed to be moving, we're supposed to start getting into our spot, and we were behind Okay, I hope the people from Thriller aren't listening to this, okay, I hope the people from Thriller aren't listening to this.

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We were a little behind because you're supposed to lurk slowly, you're not allowed to run or you're not allowed to get to your spot on Monstery, on Zombie.

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So we ended up being a little bit behind.

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So we were kind of lurking a little faster than we should have, and when we got into our spot, we ended up towards the back side, which is the worst place that you can be, because everybody's videoing everybody and if they're going to catch you making a mistake, they're going to video it and it's going to end up on Facebook or whatever you know.

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And so we and my one friend, which I think I did really well, I don't think I really messed up that much, but my friend was, like she said instantly because she was on the end.

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She knows she messed up a lot because she knew eyes were on her.

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But isn't that funny how those fears just entered just because we know we're being watched.

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In the book Game On that I was talking about, she was a counselor to the New York Jets and she says act as if your dreams have already manifested.

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And I've been doing that lately, so I've been kind of proud of myself because I believe I'm going to have particular people on my podcast and it happens, and I believe that it's successful.

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So it just, you know, is kind of happening and I believe that we are reaching people in need and that really is the most important thing to me.

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But because I believe in that, I believe that it's happening.

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So, you know, I just have to believe that we are doing good.

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So it really is a manifestation.

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Jim Carrey talks about it a lot.

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He talked about how he wrote a check to himself for I don't know $10,000, a million dollars, whatever, and he said one day I'm going to be able to cash this.

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And he just manifested he's like, yeah, and one day I could do that.

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I think sometimes we do do that naturally in life.

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Think sometimes we do do that naturally in life.

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I, when I go in to speak, I go in as if I've spoken hundreds of times how I've been all over the place to kind of give myself a little bit of boost and to kind of try to suffocate the fear of being in front of people.

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Sounds crazy, even though, like, that's what I do, but I try to, like you said, you kind of go into it and I've just learned how to do that.

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So that's interesting that you've been doing that and cause I've, I've looked at you as very successful and that's how I want to be too.

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I want to look like I've done this so many times that I'm a professional at it, even though I'm not there yet.

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And there's my micro victories Each and every time I could go up there and do that, I feel like I need a victory of letting go of a fear, and I hope that someday I don't have that fear of going up.

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You know I've done a lot of speaking engagements and I'm a lot better at it now.

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I mean I just go up there and as long as I have my talking points, I mean I just go up there and as long as I have my talking points and I have a podium to hold on to and I just you know, there's space between me and the audience, I'm good, I feel I'm up there and I'm really confident in what I'm going to say.

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I used to be a preacher in the jail and you want to talk about a rough audience, yeah, but also they're the most loving and caring and the most broken and the most receiving of what you have to say.

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You know, I think that they helped me get to where I am.

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I know they did because I was there for quite a while as one of the chaplain people there that would get up and speak and then I would talk to them.

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They would ask me to come in and talk to them individually and things like that.

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And they really did teach me a lot when I wrote the book the Simple Woman and a lot of it had to do with being in relationship with the women in the jail.

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Do with being in relationship with the women in the jail.

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I think, out of all the things I've done in my life, I think that them doing what they were doing in fear really helped show me what I could do.

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Wow.

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It really did.

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They were strong, powerful women, yeah, and they were really making a lot of strides in their life.

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You know, there are so many possibilities of what we can do.

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If we aren't afraid, we could take those bold steps.

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And wouldn't it be nice to just start that business or that creative passion without second guessing?

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If you do this one step at a time, if you take that first step, it'll lead you to the next, and if it doesn't lead you to the next step, you're going to fall forward.

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Right.

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I think one of the things we can do is openly and honestly communicate with people about our thoughts and feelings and desires, without worrying about judgments or rejections, which is what you talked about.

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Yeah, yeah.

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I think that that is what holds a lot of people back is feeling rejected, always worried that you're going to trip up, and when you do, you feel like you're proving other people right and proving yourself wrong.

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I think that that living in that fear really does hold so many people back.

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I've lived so much of my life worrying about what other people thought, and I have finally gotten to the point that I honestly don't need someone to like me or approve of me for me to feel good about myself.

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I used to be like you know.

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A hundred people like me.

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That's great, but I would focus on the one person who didn't.

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I think that's a natural thing.

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I think I do that as well.

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I mean it just it robs you of so much joy.

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And I would.

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I would perseverate on it.

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Someone said to me a friend of my friend said to me a few years ago and it's actually now starting to dawn on me.

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She said you're not afraid of what other people think or what other people say.

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You're afraid of what you think other people are thinking and what you think other people are saying.

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So you're making the fear in your head, even though I do think that sometimes it's true what they're thinking.

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But you're making it up in your head.

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You're talking yourself into what you think they're saying.

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You're talking yourself into what you believe they're thinking, what they're saying.

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I hate to say it.

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We go into the manifesting, but maybe you're manifesting that into making them say that it's true.

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Because if you're thinking and feeling all the negative things, then it does take you on a different path.

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And it's funny because she was like half the time.

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These people don't have the energy to concentrate on you.

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And they're not even thinking about us.

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No, it's not about you.

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They're not.

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If we were not afraid, we could allow our connections to be deeper, being fully authentic and allowing people to see the real us.

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Yeah.

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You know I do that.

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Here I am me.

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I like who I am.

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Today, the fear has dissipated and my connections are so much deeper.

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I used to keep people so distant from myself.

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You know how you can be lonely in a room full of people.

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Yes.

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I say that often I said you know, you have this lonely feeling again while I'm going to therapy.

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It's hard to explain to somebody how lonely you feel when you have so many people around you.

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Yeah, I mean, that was me.

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I was so sad all the time I don't even think I realized that how I was feeling was sad.

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And then I could be in a room full of people, surrounded you know, and I still felt lonely.

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I wanted to let them in, but my fears kept everyone so distant.

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Hurt teaches you so young not to let anyone in, I feel, and fear can override everything.

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Absolutely.

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I absolutely 100% agree with that.

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One of the things I've learned on this side of fear and that's how I like to say it, because it really feels like I'm on this side of fear that living your dreams comes with setbacks and that's all part of the journey.

00:20:44.917 --> 00:20:52.243
Overcoming past trauma can heal the fear and help you to move forward.

00:20:52.243 --> 00:21:04.602
Past traumas are so heavy and the sheer weight of it keeps us from being able to move forward, and you can't move forward with like a thousand pounds on you.

00:21:04.602 --> 00:21:11.104
But the more you resolve, the less you carry and the more you are able to move forward.

00:21:12.329 --> 00:21:13.971
Yes, and again, mental health.

00:21:15.893 --> 00:21:49.721
I'm working on that and I'm going to therapy for that, so that I can work on that trauma that I thought I had worked on, because I want to be able to live authentically and not be so afraid all the time, the more you can stand up for yourself oh yes, and you demand respect and you can advocate for yourself and you can walk away from relationships that you should walk away from, and you can have your voice heard and you can walk away with more confidence.

00:21:50.262 --> 00:21:57.751
Yeah, and when you enter a room, a friend of mine said this when I enter a room I get intimidated, I get the fear of um, you know, whatever?

00:21:57.751 --> 00:22:00.240
And he always said you belong in that room.

00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.269
You belong just as much as everybody.

00:22:03.269 --> 00:22:05.073
That is awesome.

00:22:05.333 --> 00:22:08.178
I love that you belong in that room.

00:22:08.699 --> 00:22:22.462
That is so good I try to remember, I try to remind myself that anytime that I start to get intimidated, which makes me afraid, and then I'm like you know, and I try to like remind myself.

00:22:22.462 --> 00:22:28.018
And he used to go like on my shoulders he's like you belong in this room, walk in that room, because you belong there too.

00:22:28.390 --> 00:22:32.320
You know it's interesting that you keep using the fall forward thing.

00:22:32.320 --> 00:22:42.353
Yeah, because I often tell myself to fall forward and embrace the mistakes and of course you belong in that room.

00:22:42.353 --> 00:22:54.873
Everybody in that room has made mistakes and if the people in the room can't recognize it as a mistake and they're looking at it for something else, then that's something wrong with them.

00:22:55.335 --> 00:22:57.300
Yeah, it has nothing to do with you, it's them.

00:22:58.150 --> 00:22:58.471
Right.

00:22:58.471 --> 00:23:07.576
So move forward without being afraid and just know that it's all part of the journey the mistakes, the hiccups, the pain.

00:23:07.576 --> 00:23:21.384
But if we can get on the other side of fear and start demanding better for ourselves, we can start to move in a better direction, and I love to demand better.

00:23:22.190 --> 00:23:24.035
Yeah, you belong in that room.

00:23:24.035 --> 00:23:26.481
You belong there too.

00:23:27.309 --> 00:23:43.061
You know I want to leave with this Without fear, our life could be marked by courage and resilience and a willingness to fully live, to fully experience everything that comes our way, the good and the bad.

00:23:43.061 --> 00:23:51.422
Like we say at Real Talk, there is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey, and we are trying to shake that fear and live a more full life.

00:23:51.422 --> 00:23:54.137
So let's do it together.

00:23:54.137 --> 00:23:57.718
But, denise, is there anything that you want to?

00:23:58.118 --> 00:23:58.840
leave us with.

00:23:58.840 --> 00:24:21.787
Well, again, I know it's Mental Health Month, I believe this month, and I just want to just say that you know it's okay to get help, to be able to do that, Because the beauty on the other side is so much probably sweeter and confidence than it is to be stuck.

00:24:21.787 --> 00:24:25.032
And again, it's okay to ask for help.

00:24:25.032 --> 00:24:27.058
It is okay and you're never too old to do it.

00:24:27.289 --> 00:24:31.060
You know, there's so many people and I just want to touch on this really quick before we go.

00:24:31.060 --> 00:24:40.122
There are so many people who cheer me on, but there were people that I even think today would be surprised.

00:24:40.122 --> 00:24:45.999
I am where I am, yes, and they would still hold on to who I used to be.

00:24:46.840 --> 00:24:47.141
Right.

00:24:47.442 --> 00:24:59.644
Not see the and I am today and if they were standing in front of me, not really recognize it and want me to not be where I am today.

00:24:59.644 --> 00:25:15.059
Even those people being in the presence can remind you of who you were, but that can fuel you to make you even a better person today and not to take you back to where you were.

00:25:15.580 --> 00:25:16.963
Oh, absolutely I agree.

00:25:16.963 --> 00:25:18.273
I am everything.

00:25:18.273 --> 00:25:19.659
I was never supposed to be.

00:25:20.191 --> 00:25:29.117
That you know a lot of people said oh, you know, I had a neighbor that labeled me as trash growing up because of the family I was in.

00:25:29.117 --> 00:25:32.414
I'm not trash and I know that.

00:25:32.414 --> 00:25:37.616
And you know the people who support me are the ones who you know.

00:25:37.616 --> 00:25:42.038
I remember again in my book the 30 Second Moments of the Women who Raised Me.

00:25:42.038 --> 00:25:45.756
It goes about the connections, those small moments.

00:25:45.756 --> 00:25:47.580
30 seconds, that's all it is.

00:25:47.580 --> 00:25:55.922
That you connect with someone or something that gives you the courage and tells you you are worth it.

00:25:56.503 --> 00:25:58.086
My biological mom.

00:25:58.086 --> 00:26:05.144
You know I don't talk about her very much, but we had reconnected and it wasn't positive.

00:26:05.144 --> 00:26:23.218
Everybody dreams and hopes that when you're adopted, you know that like, oh, your mom is a princess or she's this Hollywood famous person who's you know will just be you know, bring you into their fold and it'll be an amazing experience.

00:26:23.218 --> 00:26:33.694
Well, you know, that wasn't it for me, and one of our interactions she said to me that you were a dry birth and you were a pain in the ass from the beginning.

00:26:34.900 --> 00:26:37.589
I've heard some things myself, about myself.

00:26:38.030 --> 00:26:45.304
And you know, I hadn't even taken my first breath yet when she what she was referring to.

00:26:45.304 --> 00:26:55.343
You know I was just being born and she had a dry birth and she was referring to me as that.

00:26:55.343 --> 00:26:56.333
I mean.

00:26:56.353 --> 00:27:12.415
Now, though, look at how all the things that you were never supposed to be, whether it be told because you had autism I have a son who has autism whether it be those obstacles or those things people say you can't be, you can't be.

00:27:12.415 --> 00:27:15.077
I mean, look at where you are today.

00:27:15.077 --> 00:27:17.938
I look at that and I'm inspired by it.

00:27:17.938 --> 00:27:25.250
Yeah, people could be horrible and you could start out your life where people treat you that way or tell you that.

00:27:25.250 --> 00:27:29.461
But again, look at where you are, but it came with a lot of hard work too.

00:27:30.230 --> 00:27:33.013
Well, back then I received things like that.

00:27:33.013 --> 00:27:39.284
I took it in, I allowed it to affect my inner person, my inner child.

00:27:39.284 --> 00:27:43.718
But now the inner child inside of me doesn't receive those things anymore.

00:27:44.098 --> 00:27:59.084
There has been a lot of things that you have inspired me to be like and do, and the fear that you don't have anymore because I can see that I hear that when we talk absolutely inspired me to want to feel that too, that freedom.

00:27:59.810 --> 00:28:02.176
And so again with the childhood.

00:28:02.176 --> 00:28:11.223
That's one of the things I'm going to therapy for is one of the things we talked about is I want to not be the afraid 14 year old.

00:28:11.223 --> 00:28:25.423
I want to be the confident 49, almost 50 year old and be allowed to not allow, like you said, those things to bring you back or to remind you of who you used to be versus who you are now.

00:28:26.247 --> 00:28:37.183
And I like the word freedom because, it is to live a life where you feel so afraid all the time it takes it robs you of that freedom.

00:28:37.183 --> 00:28:40.689
But now I do.

00:28:40.689 --> 00:28:44.836
Free is how I feel and it's how I live.

00:28:44.836 --> 00:28:53.334
And even in my worst moments, even when I'm a zombie and I'm like the teacher's looking at me and I'm like, oh you suck.

00:28:53.374 --> 00:29:11.753
And all that other stuff, and I let it come into my mind for a moment, I laugh it off and it becomes like a nothing to me, where before it would have become something, it would have been much bigger than it was.

00:29:11.753 --> 00:29:13.800
In that moment I honestly just kind of laughed at myself like what are you doing?

00:29:13.800 --> 00:29:14.644
I mean, it was just so funny.

00:29:14.644 --> 00:29:25.298
And then I embrace the mistakes and everybody's going this way and I'm going this way and it's like, oh well, you know, it doesn't even matter, it was fun and I enjoyed it.

00:29:25.998 --> 00:29:36.507
And that is really what it comes down to is enjoying life and embracing all of it and being able to be free to let in all the things.

00:29:36.507 --> 00:29:41.452
Even if it's an imperfection, it's okay.

00:29:41.452 --> 00:30:09.815
And I think why I kept everything out too was because my mom and I, to the day that she died, never had a conversation about my dad, about my sister, about why we took the six-week trip, about how my life was after, which was pretty abusive, but I do think those lack of conversations made it worse and she never brought it to the table, and I think that that's kind of important.

00:30:10.655 --> 00:30:10.936
Yeah.

00:30:11.518 --> 00:30:13.381
And but you know what?

00:30:13.381 --> 00:30:29.140
It's some of those things that Tina and I have talked about recently, about never getting the apology that you thought that you should get, and I think that maybe that adds to a certain extent when you feel like even somebody passes away without giving you that.

00:30:29.840 --> 00:30:31.301
That closure.

00:30:32.041 --> 00:30:32.722
You don't need it.

00:30:32.722 --> 00:30:39.346
Her last breath was all I needed for me to be free and become the person that I am today.

00:30:39.346 --> 00:30:59.712
So I hope that whoever is listening to this is able to let go of whatever it is that's holding you back, that's instilling this fear in you that you can't let go, that you're able to get at peace with that and be able to live your fullest, to your fullest.

00:31:00.374 --> 00:31:00.755
I agree.

00:31:02.116 --> 00:31:05.743
Well, thank you for listening and we will see you next time.